Finding a sponsor

So as I stated in my check in I still have no sponsor. I honestly just dont get it. I dont understand how someone can commit to me and possibly many others at the same time in this manner. I cant even bare to ask the one woman I even remotely feel drawn to because I dont want to burden her with all my shit.

How can I even trust this one, that one or the next one with my story? How do I know they wont talk to others about it, their partners about it in bed. How do I know my story wont trigger them and make their days shit? I dont think that my past is worse then others but it’s exactly that. Mine…and a whole bunch of shit I’m not proud of. I dont feel I will be judged I just feel like maybe I’m not worthy of anyone’s focus, or maybe it’s not that… maybe its I dont want anyones focus. I get that helping fellow addicts is part of recovery but does everyone actually enjoy being a sponsor?

I just feel like I have so many questions and its sooooo fricken hard for me to trust people. I feel like my lack of willingness to open up and my feelings of inadequacy are a recipe for disaster but I dont know how to over come them.



From a sponsor? Quite the question…


i felt similarly for a bit. the idea of doing my 5th step really scared me. but it turns out the experience was really beneficial. i asked a guy who seemed happy and honest to sponsor me. hed been sober 30 years and that was also attractive to me. looking back i see trusting the process and taking his suggestions really benefited me to growing in a lot of ways which id have never found on my own. might seem daunting but i encourage you to go ahead and take the plunge :slight_smile:


That is why you pick someone who has experience in the program , youl going to have to trust people again , been sponsoring for a few years now and hand on heart havnt discussed any of the guys i have sponsored over the years ,


Ofcourse she is Looking for attention and advice regarding sponsors. Sorry i dont know if i missunderstood your comment. But i got quiet sad when i saw this answer, to a person reaching out.

Again sorry if i missunderstood what you meant


Trust the process my friend. You will be helping your sponsor with sobriety more than you’ll ever know. It might even be the beginning of a caring, loving, beautiful, healthy friendship…


Ofcourse you are worhty of getting a sponsor, and i clearly understand if you are nervous regarding sharing your story and all about your life. But i guess you should take it piece by piece. Get to know the person and share when you feel for it, dont rush, take your time. So it doesnt go to fast for you to follow. :heart::heart:

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Hello do you sponsor yourself?

Thank you, I’m pretty sure you didnt misread it. :slightly_smiling_face:


I’ve just started aa, as I think you know. I’m not yet sure if I need/want a sponsor at this time. I’m trying to get to a wide range of different meetings and really feel everyone out before i make such a decision. Theres definitely those I look up to, and some I connect with, but i haven’t approached the idea at all while I’m in the rooms. For me, however, I need to get everything out. Being basically alone, since my bf doesn’t understand, I really need the release of sharing with people who do. They’ve seen and heard it all so I dont mind opening up bc I know that’s not who I am now. You cant change the past, even tho we all wish we could, and the only way to move past it is by addressing it and figuring out how to move away from it. I doubt any of this helps but I guess I’m just trying to say you shouldn’t have to worry about judgment from your sponsor. That’s what they’re there for. It says right in the beginning statements in aa they strive to get the message to those still suffering(or whatever the wording). They want to help you learn how to deal productively and continue to move forward. Keep up the good work until you find the right person. All the best :heart:


I really value you saying this. I was hoping you would respond to my questions as I know that you have mentioned that you sponsor in other threads.

I do need to learn to trust again it’s happening slowly I guess. But ALWAYS in the back of my mind I’ve prepared myself to be let down.

@Edmund this is what some speakers mentioned last night at the meeting. How it does become a two way street. :slightly_smiling_face:

@AnonymousD yeah maybe I am overthinking it (not abnormal for me) . Maybe I should take my relationship with which ever sponsor I find one day at a time like sobriety. I envision myself sitting with some stranger puking up my whole life and that doesnt appeal to me at all. Thanks for the support and attention. :wink:

@LCarlson92586 thanks, I am glad to hear that its not easy for everyone. The process takes time and maybe I’m just trying too hard to put pieces into place.


Just really take it in your own pace. :heart: dont rush it dear. Maybe ask the women you thought of and start with a coffee, see where it goes :heart: I wish you the best. Keep reaching out :blush:


Don’t over think it. Ask the lady to get coffee with you and chat with her about your questions and fears. Trust comes with time and relationship. I just this morning told my sponsor of over a year something new about myself that I was scared to tell her. She reacted with kindness and love. It’s ok to be scared, but growth happens we push ourselves out of our comfort zone a bit. :bird:


I’ve asked 3 people to sponsor me and they all said no for one reason or another so kinda been left in limbo. Maybe life has a plan for us both and when the time is right we will both find the one.


I’m so happy I’m not the only one that feels this way. I’m in the same boat. I don’t wanna burden anyone with all my shit and how can I really trust them. Every week, i walk into the meeting thinking I’m going to ask someone but I fail each and every time. Also, how do I know which person to ask? I mentioned I wasn’t sure if I was ready to start the steps and I was told that getting a sponsor is only the beginning, the steps can wait.

The counselor in IOP suggested I ask for a “temporary” sponsor in order to decide if I’ve chosen the right person rather than commit to one right away.

Keep me posted on what you decide. I’m eager to hear how others make out with this.


Can you elaborate on your question? Are you implying the OP is attention seeking? This is what this forum is all about, sharing experiences and learning from others.

Edit…If you’re wondering who flagged your post, it was me. I think it’s rude and disrespectful to ask this question. The OP reached out for support with a legitimate question. You chose not to clarify.


I get that helping fellow addicts is part of recovery but does everyone actually enjoy being a sponsor?

I enjoy being a sponsor…very much. For me, there is no way I can ever repay what the program has given me. The people who helped me get sober and stay that way helped save my life. It is a privilege to be of any help I can to another alcoholic.

Also - working with newcomers helps me remember why I can’t drink again. It helps bring new meaning and perspective to my own stepwork. I have learned things from each person I have sponsored - even those who have gone back out.

I am being completely honest when I say that I am thrilled when someone in the program asks me for help. I know they are reaching out and forming a network that will help them stay sober. None of us can do this alone - and fortunately we belong to a program that fosters not having to.


Just an idea, one I haven’t tried … yet… A therapist suggested that before or after a meeting, just ask a few people if they have a sponsor; if yes, how did they chose one, what was the process like, how do/did they deal with trust issues … etc etc.

Say you’re just looking to learn more about it, nothing more, at this time.

  1. It gives you more info,
  2. you never know, you might find a future sponsor, and
  3. it might unofficially put the word out that you’re possibly looking.

Just an idea, one that I will try… soon :+1::sweat_smile::kissing_heart:


Thank you Cate. This is a huge help. I like this approach. I’m always talking to the women at the end of the meeting, I’ll just slip these questions in and see what happens. :smiley:


The craziest thing just happened to me… I have been thinking about this all day. And I started thinking about the one woman I felt I could relate to a little… going over everything I have heard her say in the meetings she has spoken at. I walked into my office and I could hear my phone ring out of my pocket…when i looked down it have dialed her number. I have never called her before only text about getting literature weeks ago. I hung up immediately and she called me back.

We sat on the phone for a long time talking and listening to each other. She said that she is starting a closed step group in the next few weeks and invited me to come. Feeling a little more at peace now and like I have somewhere to start.

@Lisa07 I still didnt have the balls to ask her to be my sponsor. Lol maybe next time. :blush: