So as I stated in my check in I still have no sponsor. I honestly just dont get it. I dont understand how someone can commit to me and possibly many others at the same time in this manner. I cant even bare to ask the one woman I even remotely feel drawn to because I dont want to burden her with all my shit.
How can I even trust this one, that one or the next one with my story? How do I know they wont talk to others about it, their partners about it in bed. How do I know my story wont trigger them and make their days shit? I dont think that my past is worse then others but it’s exactly that. Mine…and a whole bunch of shit I’m not proud of. I dont feel I will be judged I just feel like maybe I’m not worthy of anyone’s focus, or maybe it’s not that… maybe its I dont want anyones focus. I get that helping fellow addicts is part of recovery but does everyone actually enjoy being a sponsor?
I just feel like I have so many questions and its sooooo fricken hard for me to trust people. I feel like my lack of willingness to open up and my feelings of inadequacy are a recipe for disaster but I dont know how to over come them.