I had 19 days and I really fucked up tonight. And somehow convinced myself I could get away with just straight drinking vodka, like my husband wouldn’t know. So full of self-loathing and hatred. He’s so kind and patient. How can I do this to us? It literally makes no sense. But, yet…
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Dont be mad on your self!
Try to rebuild your positivity and just start again with NO using.
We are addicts and its the ilness that wins sometimes… But stay on the real you!
Its not that you are now just felt back totally you just made a wrong choise and now you learn of it.
Did you enjoyed it?
Was it worth it!?
I hope you have a beautifull day today and dont be to hard for yourself. And enjoy the weekend.
Bighug from The netherlands
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The disease of alcoholism is powerful, cunning and baffling. The disease tries to make us think we can just drink straight vodka or have one drink. We that are alcoholics cannot have just one drink of any kind of alcohol. Proud of you for reaching out here on Talking Sober @DoubleBee there’s a lot of good people here that will help with guidance and point you in the right direction. Maybe even try looking into attending Alcoholics Anonymous. It has helped millions of alcoholics achieve continuous sobriety in their lives. YouTube also has an incredible amount of recovery resources. Wishing you peace and serenity on your journey in sobriety. 
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You are not back to day one. Congratulate yourself on going 19 days sober, pick yourself up and carry on towards a bright future.
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Not pathetic, struggling with sobriety is tough…
Your not the first and won’t be the last to try and hide our disease. I think at 7 months sober I feel strong enough to maybe have one…But then when I think about it I know for a fact that history doesn’t lie. I will keep going which is why I had to stop. I would try and hide it from my wife and that’s what lead to me giving in last year after a year and a half sober. She knew and so did I. Life is good now not feeling like I have to lie to myself or my family about something that really gave me nothing but hurt in return. Keep strong and learn from your relapse. You have 19 more days sober than what you could have had.
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No, it doesn’t make any sense, I know. When I entered what I call the “terminal phase” of my drinking life, my choosing alcohol made no sense, except perhaps I thought I could have both my family, and alcohol. Normal drinkers don’t have to make a conscious choice, so why should I have to?
The thing that I realized is alcohol and living a normal, fulfilling life are mutually exclusive for me. It’s a binary choice. If I say “yes” to drinking, I am saying “no” to my marriage and my kids. IfnI say “yes” to my marriage and family, I must say “no” to booze.
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I really feel like I am in that terminal phase right now… I keep bouncing from one side to the other - couple and family life ; and selfish drunk one. Very hard sometimes. When alone it gets harder.
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But you aren’t alone…ever. You have the community here.
When I first joined here, I was astounded that no matter the time of day or night, if someone posted they needed support, someone answered pretty quickly.
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This is very familiar to me. You are not alone. I hit 13 days and fell off for almost a week. Totally not worth it. Sounds like your husband is great and will support you 100%. Stay here and some great people will provide excellent advice and comments. Dont ever give up and keep trying.
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Hey dont be so hard on yourself just dust this one off and keep showing up keep proving yourself that even tho you fell you can get right back up its a journey its a tough walk it wont be easy and things will get lighter as you go for now keep fighting the good fight and prove yourself this is just onother battle that you have to overcome 19 days thats a huge accomplishment you should be proud now take it to the next level go 20 days then go a month keep building keep progressing on your own terms and way ita not going to be a one way clean shot were all going to have setbacks and slips here and there but its about the times that you get back up and start over that counts we all know how hard it is so because we know were bound to have our setbacks its a journey keep fighting you got this !!!
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You’re right, it doesn’t make sense.
We say that alcohol is Cunning, Baffling and Powerful for a reason.
Here’s a quick read that may help you.
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Funny how our thinking can change and convince us that drinking another way would be ok , in AA its called stinking thinking as Gabe says the big book gives you a insite to what your going through , so back on the horse wish you well
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I understand the feelings of self-loathing. I had 6 months, and now I am back to day 2. We’ve got this!!
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