Hello everyone,
I have been a sex and love addict in different way for many years, essentially since puberty (I am 32) but it really blew out of hand a few years ago with serial, multiple affairs and the lying need to cover them up. I was in a bad place mentally, compartmentalising to the max and telling myslef that it wasn’t related to my long-term relationship, but I see now that it caused me a numbing depression and disconnect with myself and my life, sowed seeds of doubt and fear in my partner, contributing to her serverely stronger depression and alcohol addiction. The magnitude of the repercussions is only hitting me now that my secret is out since last Saturday. My distance and coldness and absence was finally too much for my partner and she started wondering if I had cancer ala Walt White or was going to leave the country or other things, and I was somehow able to start telling her (I have been increasingly aware for several months that for the sake of her, our and my future I had to come clean. There is definitely something manipulative about my waiting: in retrospect I was waiting for her to be stable enough to cope with it without seriously endagering her sobreity, mental health or our relationship - but I can’t lie, just as strong if not stronger was me trying to save my ass and the fear of admitting to doing such terrible things. Real fear of abandonment and extreme need to people-please here). This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for us both. In some ways I feel massively relieved, unburdened of this huge numb and silencing weight I have been carrying, finally able to start the rest of my own life, we have been able to connect and be intimate again and I really believe we can make it together. But I have also had to face the massive and long-term pain and doubt I have caused her, the years my actions have robbed from us both, as well as the extreme vanity and resistance inside me, and my struggle with self-care and self-knowledge. I am looking forward to my recovery, will try to lean into resources like this, SLAA and am in intensive therapy. Looking for connection and support. Thanks for reading and for all being there for each other.
You are not alone. It takes courage to do what you’re doing, and you’re facing an animal in that addiction: you need to strive daily and be fearlessly honest with yourself and your accountability partners in group, to get to where you need to be.