First step to actually doing it

I went to buy groceries sober for the first time in a very long time. For once my fridge finally makes sense. I’m recently recovering from a sex, alcohol and substance problem and part of me thinks that maybe I used all three to get me through ordinary life because of my bipolar/anxiety disorder.

Today was a small step into becoming the women I want to be. I can actually focus on my college classes and I’ve slowly stopped using Snapchat to message men I’d met on tinder (also deleted tinder). Deleting tinder was hard and I really hope I can stick with not impulsively redownloading it.

To any of my recovering sex addicts how did you stay away from using social networks to acquire sex? I’d love to hear what things could potentially help me.

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I found social networks a problem but mainly Instagram and TikTok, for the images.

I have deleted all social networking apps from my phone except LinkedIn and Sober Time / Talking Sober; those are the only social sites I visit regularly (and the only one I visit daily is Talking Sober).

Personally what I found was that I did try to put controls on my internet use (for example I got rid of my personal cell phone and replaced it with my former company’s cell phone, which our IT department controlled internet sites) - but they didn’t stop me from accessing these sites on my computer at home. That behaviour didn’t stop until I dealt with the fundamental problems, the fundamental imbalances underlying my addiction.

The thing that really turned it around for me was group work in a sex recovery group, and psychological and psychiatric care. (And time. It takes time and persistence, one day at a time.) Two things: A) getting counselling that taught me how to communicate constructively with my wife (instead of fighting about superficial things), and B) medical treatment for my depression (I take bupropion / Wellbutrin now, which combined with the improved marriage emotional communication has made a significant difference). Since doing those things, the “itch” to open unhelpful sites has been gone. I even have my own cell phone now, no blocks, no problem. (I am still vigilant, because the momentary thought comes sometimes, but I manage it now by checking in and sharing here; it helps me to get it out of my head, in writing: Checking in daily to maintain focus #42.)

I also worked on making some sober friends from my groups. We still hang out, years later; we take walks, have lunches.

Obviously marriage counselling and depression treatment specifically is not true for everybody, but the point is, our acting out behaviour is about unmet needs. Addiction is a false approach to a real need: for example, meaningful human communication and connection. This is a basic human need - we all have it. At some point, all us addicts substituted the numbness of addictive behaviour, instead of healthy human communication and connection, and we’ve been starving ourselves for years. To get sober we need to learn to be with ourselves, sober and clean, and to be with others, socially, in the same way. (This is why recovery groups are so helpful.)

Fundamentally my advice would be the most important thing you can do is get something started to start looking at your needs and learning how to meet them.

If you’re looking for a step up, maybe a kick start, there is something you can probably do: get rid of your cell phone entirely, and your computer or tablet. Get a landline phone and a voice answering machine, and use the internet at the public library. That will remove all possibility of logging in to anything inappropriate, at least, on the internet. (It’ll also give you lots of time to read paper books - another good reason to go to the library :innocent:)

What do you think?

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I actually really appreciate what you have to say Matt. I like when you comment on my stuff you seem like someone who gets it. Your experience is something I could benefit from so I really appreciate it.

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Congrats on your first sober grocery trip! It’s amazing how different the experience feels. Not wasting money on food you don’t need is a bonus too. I don’t have much advice for sex addiction specifically but I think loading up on other resources to keep your mind distracted is important - books, magazines, activity and puzzle books, craft kits, especially if they let you feel like a kid again. I bet your inner child would benefit from a lot of love (just like the rest of us), so maybe think about trying to get to know them better (: thank you for being brave enough to share your situation and ask for advice, all the best!

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How are things A?

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Matt you have a gift with words. Thank you for being here and always being so supportive and active. I appreciate your sobriety and your insight. :heart:

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Things are going alright. Today was a little rough for me. I wanted to give in and jumped right out of bed and made myself go in to work on my day off. I’m just scared I’m going to give in to myself or some guy. I’m scared I’m going to drink again or have sex. I’ve never been scared of myself honestly. But I’m trying and I’m trying to remind myself that I can do this.

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Have you reached out for counselling?

You said you were going to college - most colleges have student support programs including counselling. I went to counselling when I was in college (which was one of my first steps in my road to getting sober).

Have you reached out about that? If not, why not?

Getting the words out to another live human being is liberating. It’s a relief.

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I guess I’ve always been scared that I’m a basket case and if I told people how I felt they would think I was a freak.

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You’re not a freak. I understand how you feel though. It is totally normal to feel intimidated about this. I felt the same way when I opened up to my first counsellor about that. But every counsellor, universally - and I’ve been to 5+ over the years since - has been non-judgmental and understanding.

Their goal is to help you find your path. They will do their best to do that for you.

There is absolutely no risk in finding a counsellor and a significant benefit. I say you do it tomorrow.

Lots of students get counselling for lots of reasons, and they operate under the same confidentiality rules as doctors. Just call or go in and schedule an appointment. No one will know why you’re there - you could just as easily be coming in because of stress, which is also something people see counsellor about. :innocent:

You are not a freak. You don’t need to be ashamed. You deserve to be seen and supported and you are a good person who needs help and who wants to make it work. Go ask for the help you need. It is a step in the right direction :innocent:

I think the most liberating part of any therapy is when you are able to put into words the parts of you that feel the most icky and the most shameful and the person listening says “ok” and you move forward together. Counseling can be very helpful. Sending love and strength. You aren’t a freak, just a loving and flawed human being (like all of us) figuring it out. :heart: