I had my Dads 60th on Saturday. Crowded party, family drama, and right around Christmas. Gave a big ol “fuck it, I’m drinking!” because I knew I’d be anxious for a large majority of it. I thought I’d feel fine with it and told myself I’d drink over the holidays and trying to get sober in November was stupid because I knew the holidays and family shit was coming up.
Woke up on Sunday just absolutely regretting it. A bit hung over, not like horrifically or anything, but just feeling like “why am I doing this? What do I get from this? I’m just hurting myself and for what?”
Being drunk isn’t that fun, it isn’t. I think a part of it comes from the fact that I’m a friendly person who is also awkward. In comfortable situations I’m loud, but in uncomfortable ones I kind of slink back and want to engage but kind of freeze. I feel like “I’ve had a few drinks” Is a good excuse for the awkwardness.
I’m not sure how to work on being okay with the fact that despite loving people and being friendly and warm, I am a bit eccentric and not always appropriate (I often think I am but then notice what I did or said was either seen as very funny when it wasn’t meant to be or that I’ve made someone a bit uncomfortable. I can’t seem to train myself out of it. I’ve been trying since I was very young to just…interact in a way that’s more normal?)
I don’t really know how to be okay with that…For some reason “Christine is an alcoholic” was an easier thing for me than “Christine is a bit strange”. Though…truth be told…. Most people who know me think the second one as well as the first regardless.
One thing documenting my relapses here has done for me is allow the opportunity to realize why I drink and what I’m trying to cover and hide from. It’s been very helpful
From one awkward and strange girl to another, sobriety helps. The stuff that used to come out of my mouth when I was drinking would raise eyebrows, sometimes because people thought it was funny and sometimes because I had hurt someone’s feelings. My nickname with my best girlfriends is “too far”. No matter what it is I took it too far (drinking, talking, being odd).
Now I’m 9+ months sober. I’m still proudly weird but I’m no longer mean. My impulse control is better. I stole this pic from a thread on here a while back and refer to it on my oddest days.
Dude, embrace your weird. I’m 3 1/3 yrs sober and I’m still super awkward and I say inappropriate things that make ppl laugh or make em just as uncomfortable as me. Often times I just leave a conversation. Or I’m the one now who goes after the p I’m having a bad moment with at the next chance and have it out with them before the entire day or relationship is ruined. That’s weird and uncomfortable. Happens at work. The other day I almost got in a physical fight cos I didn’t take shit from someone. Also weird. If I hadn’t been sober and self posessed that would have gone down differently.
In sobriety, you’ll become who you are. There’s nothing wrong with a bit of spice and colour. You’ll probably discover more disconcening stuff along the way, I bet. I know I did.
Who are you worried about, the other ppl or you?
This above is very very true. So c’mon. You can do better.
