Food for thought 🎭

[Matt]

Your story matters Stacey. It is a hard hard story and it’s full of messed up experience and running and confusion and loss and grief and pain. It is not a postcard story. (And that’s a big thing that makes it so hard. There’s kind of a standard ideal route people want lives and stories to take. When we don’t fit in we… don’t know where we fit in or what we should do. We’re like the butterfly that got trapped halfway out of the cocoon. Why am I not flying? What’s happening here?)

But your story matters. A lot. It matters the same way all struggles matter: when humans struggle to be just and fair and healthy in the world, that always matters. Equality for women matters. Elimination of racism matters. Equal access to health care matters. Mental health matters. Social support for people who struggle, matters.

Recovering from addiction matters. It has shaped us into something we don’t want to be, and (at least in some way) it is impairing our ability to make healthy decisions. Your story of recovery matters.

And you are writing that story now. You are the hero of your story. You are Little Red Riding Hood (or Frodo, or any one of a thousand awesome heroes) who has an enemy that is trying to trick her and consume her.

You are the hero of your story. And I promise you, if you stick with it, you will win. Your story is a story of persistence and victory. Like every other great hero, you have friends and mentors and guides and supports. You have ups and downs. But eventually, you will win.

We’re here with you. Don’t give up. You will beat this.

[Swam]

I dont even know what to say to that.

Thank you? I guess is a start. So thanks.

[Matt]

Thank you for joining us on the journey. We’re stronger because your story is here with us. Thanks for writing your story together with us here!

[SeanyBoy]

You gotta find your one way of thinking that works for you, I respect that. Tbh, myself, I feel like addiction is a combination of factors. Genetics, environment, positive reinforcement, mental illness, etc. And no one person with any one of these or even all of these is definitely going to become an addict.

Like as far as I can tell, I used alcohol and drugs to medicate PTSD from my childhood and later on, general anxiety and depression and also because of: culture, positive reinforcement, physical addiction, and yeah like you said there was definitely my choices thrown in there and me being an idiot. So if I’m using substances to medicate conditions, then being an alcoholic wasn’t the disease, it was my attempt to medicate other preexisting conditions, you know? Whether that means addiction itself is a disease, who knows. But I think it’s good to look at the wider picture. Yeah, you’ve made bad choices. But why? I don’t know you, but you certainly don’t seem like an idiot to me, and you seem strong, so there’s gotta be something else at play here. It’s like that with every addict I’ve met.

[Dolse71]

I love this. Cheers for the share.

[Swam]

Dude this means so much. I’m sitting here in tears because of how how trapped I feel. I’ve already been diagnosed with Complex PTSD and BPD. I been in therapy for over 2 years . I’ve done some great things and let some hard things go. And I practice the skills from Dialectical Behavioral Therapy everyday and I have done since I did it over a year ago, but I’m still trapped, only, now I have to work hard everyday with those skills just to not make other people uncomfortable with my behaviours, essentially I can just keep them at bay and not make things worse, and I’m white knuckling my mental health because the skills havent become automated like they promised and I’ve done them over a year now so they should be, I guess keeping things from getting worse is still better than letting them get that way; but what kind of life is being trapped in defeat and chaos and just able to not make it worse? Now they want to investigate Bipolar as well because they think my mastery of the skills has created a clear platform and now bipolar and ADHD behaviours are manifesting and I just feel like I cant escape myself. I’m an addict too because even when things are going okay I want to use. I’ve done my DOC + a ton of other for like over 12 years almost 13. And no matter how hard I try I’m defeated. I cave everytime. I’m so screwed up, like right now I’m , and my anxiety is kicking off because its ruining my make up, which is supposed to be a self care option so I thought I’d just try to look nice today. AND now I’m gna look worse for putting it on and people are gna give me more attention than I can handle cause they feel sorry for me worry about me being upset (it’s pretty obvious) and it makes them uncomfortable. But I’m literally like tryna muster up the whatever-it-is to go to work because my boss seriously needs me. And there are animals lives at stake so I cant just do what people say and say I cant come. They say " Just tell her what’s happening and that you can’t come. Its okay to take care of you, "But there are actual bad consequences for other people, which will make my anxiety worse, even if I dont have to go. So I’m trapped in my mind trapped in my circumstance and skill after skill only keeps me from going crazy and doing something nuts and just disregarding the impact on anyone else. So I have to go, it’s the least impactful for me and for the everyone involved. Skill: opposite action…I dont want to go, but I’m going to go anyway because I have weighed it and its the right thing to do with the least negative impact. So I’ve decided that. But I’m still left with like a tough situation. I feel so much internal agitation I wanna punch and break something into smithereens.

So what to do do?

I’ve created some time between now and when I need to start work. Yes it mean I work to like 9 or 10pm but that’s okay because it will be close to bedtime so I can do a bedtime routine and then go to sleep and not have to wallow in my mistakes of my day.

Right now, I am browsing pages on here or facebook. Experimenting with vape juices, listening to a friend play some electric guitar…it calms me. Sip on some electrolytes. Give myself hugs (this is weird to me but apparently physiologically hugging yourself changes body chemistry so I’ll do it even though I thinks is weird as heck) I will assess myself in half an hour after all that, whether or not I feel physically able to go. If I am feeling okay, I will assess again at half hour after that just to make sure I’m mostly capable. If I am good to go. My friend will drive me to work to make sure I’m okay getting there. Then I will do the animals first to make sure they are all okay and then the tasks for the salon I maintain, to the best of my ability.

Then my friend will pick me up once I am finished, get me home and hang out til bedtime. Then do my routine and probably have a good sleep.

I know for a fact I will wake up and the first thought on my mind will be I’m trapped in here I want to die. But my wise mind says I dont want to die I just dont want to be trapped. So I will use my skills again like the 547 days before today to avoid making things worse hopefully and wait until thursday for my psychiatrist appt to figure out the ADHD and Bipolar and hopefully get some more skills to get things under control.

I relapsed yesterday, but I’m gna try get through today not touching anything. Its gna be tough but I wanna keep trying. I FEEL defeated and hopeless but I know KNOW im not defeated and hopeless so Im gna choose to act on what I know and just try again. Get through work. Get through dinner and sleep. And tomorrow have a plan for how to get through. Maybe plan it tonight.

I’m sorry I’ve relapsed and let you down my family. But I want to try again. Please dont give up on me…

[ThajokerNL]

Swam… Dear swam. Never say sorry for life being heavy. The great thing about not using is… You can do that everyday take care.
You can always message when in a dark place we are all here to listen.

[anon79808082]

You’re a big part of this family and you are loved and NOT a disappointment!

[Swam]

The acid that decays my existence burns like hot, black tar and I want for nothing more than to cease.

[KevinesKay]

I’m concerned for you Stacey. What’s been going on?

[Swam]

I dont know Kev. I dont know. I’m just down…been a few weeks now and I am so over it.

[Swam]

I’m dying. Everyone is. But while I age and hey closer to death, my soul is decaying. My spirit is weakening and I don’t want to participate in this life anymore. It sounds drastic. I’m not gna kill myself so dont panic. But to sit and come up with a million ways to die, knowing I can’t act and am trapped in this shell for who knows how long…that I don’t know what to do with. I want a life. A real one, with beauty and magic and peace. Instead I have decay. A heart like a rusty cog winding round and round slowly becoming nothing, as the rust chips away at its form until there is nothing left.

[KevinesKay]

It is good to hear from you, Stacey. I’m glad you checked in.

Paging @anon79808082, @ThajokerNL, and @crystalclear since they may not be aware yet that you reappeared.

[anon79808082]

Hey Stacy; I’m sorry you’re feeling like that today; I can relate alot actually… What’s your plans for today? I’m not sure what part of the country you’re in. I also get so sad around this time of year, every year. I have bad childhood memories of “holiday” and also my younger brother went missing in October of 1981 so I put my head down and try to push through.
I’m so glad you came on here, keep us all updated! I said it before, you’re important to us and part of this crazy online family!

[ThajokerNL]

Hi Swam,

Magic is in moments, encounters and surprises rather then in life itself is what I concluded.
Beauty is in selflove and selfacceptance since we are beautiful beings and to get there and to achieve the peace your longing i needed a sober mind dear. And i know that now.

Are you sticking to NA? Or are you perhaps in search of a clinical treatment.
I have talked to you on days the sun wasn’t shining this dark on your being.
I believe those days were days of clean time.

Please please, I urge you to accept the surrender to a program to ultimately get where you want to be. Your right mind is asking to be helped but your poisoned mind will not stop convincing you drugs are a solution.

Take care dear Swam. I see you for the beautiful being you are to. And if I (an internet username) can feel that hell yeah you can too!

[Matt]

Hi Stacey, is there an inpatient or detox program you can attend somewhere?

FindTreatment.gov

Take a look & see; there are filters for distance and for cost (play around with them and you will find something).

Got you a little motivation here

[Swam]

I have thoughts…lots of thoughts…but I realise I dont have to act on my thoughts. When my addict brain says “use” it’s okay. My brain will think these things but what I do is what matters. Action. That includes suicide and all sorts. I dont have to “DO” based on feelings and thoughts. I can do the right thing…just for today

[Matt]

You got it Stacey. It’s like sitting beside a river. The boats pass in front of you. They call you to get on. But you can choose to stay on the riverbank. You see them, hear them, but you don’t get on board. Eventually, they all pass.

Sober on soldier. One day, one moment, one minute at a time if you have to. Pick yourself up and try again, try again, try again. Persist. Do whatever you need to do to not use. Eventually, inevitably, you will be back in the driver’s seat, where you belong.

[Swam]

Thank you so much! It means alot to have your support!!

[Matt]

You got it Stacey