FORGIVENESS in recovery

Hello :wave:

I was just wondering if anyone else has or had struggling issues with forgiveness during there recovery journey? How did you feel about it?

I myself am really have a really hard time with it. Honestly I am not sure how i feel about it nor what it means to me at this point in my life anymore. I just can’t comprehend how me forgiving someone in their own wrong doing( when I am not at fault, yet has effected myself and others) is to help me move on. Only because the memories/ trigger will still be there. It’s like they say things can be forgiven but not forgotten, how is one to forgive if the forgotten is still around(hope that made sense) also how is that to heal me the teigger still there so is memory of the issue(s)?

Please :pray: can you help me understand the part of recovery? :orange_heart::orange_heart::hugs::hugs::orange_heart::orange_heart:

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Tell me, who is the one hurt by your resentments ? The other, or you ?
It’s like trying to throw burning coals at someone else - the only one getting burnt, is you.

Besides, we are all just products of genes, cultural beliefs, upbringing, etc.
Whatever someone did wrong, that was a result of many causes that person never asked for.

We’re all just humans. We make mistakes and hurt others as well as ourselves.

In the end, forgiving others isn’t the hard part. Forgiving ourselves is the hard part…

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This is what I used in my first post on here, still valid and still hard. But resentment and guilt are very blocking in personal recovery :pray:

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Yeah forgiveness is tough. For me, it’s not about forgetting a memory, but more desensitizing the memory that exists. It’s not saying “what you did is ok” but more “I am ok after what you did.” Idk if that’s helpful, but that kind of framing helped me.

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People don’t have to be sorry for us to forgive them, they don’t even have to see what they’ve done wrong, if we know its wrong, we can forgive them for our sake, and be free from the burden unforgiveness.

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The thing is in the situation i am in I am the one that didn’t do the wrong, the other person is in the wrong and i just can’t forgive that person for their wrongdoing. And I don’t see how me forgiving her for her wrongdoing is going to help me heal. She did all the wrongdoings not me. Why do i have to forgive.

Forgiveness initially was very hard for me. I held onto alot of resentment in particular to my abusive ex and to the men that hurt me while being in the sex trade.
The key for forgiveness for me is realizing that i am not forgiving them, for them. I am actually forgiving them, for me. Bcuz the only person that I really hurt by carrying around that hate and those grudges and resentments, is me. They dont know that i hurt or that i am angry over what they did.
Nor do they probably even care quite frankly. But it effects my life bcuz i am being negatively impacted by their actions. Forgiveness also doesnt make what they did okay. It basically releases me from that hold that they have on me. I used to be sooo angry at men and at my ex that i would literally use drugs over it. So who is this effecting by me being angry? Not them. Its me thats hurting. The 12 steps taught me that resentment is the #1 killer for recovery. Its absolutely crucial that we deal with our resentments bcuz many people have relapsed over them.
It also helped me to realize that those that hurt me were very, very sick people. Its not an excuse for their actions but it helps me to understand how unwell they were (and maybe still are).
So once i realized that i was allowing these people to live in my head rent free, i knew it was time to kick them out lol and start living the life i deserve :slight_smile:
I hope this helps and i hope i explained this right lol

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What do I have to forgive myself for? I this situation i didn’t do the wrongdoing she did.

I just don’t understand why i have to forgive someone for their wrongdoing when they don’t understand what they have done is wrong.

U dont have to forgive that person honestly. Its totally up to u if u want to. But if this situation is causing u pain and anger and hurt, how long do u want to live with this? Like i mentioned… resentment can cause people to relapse. Are u willing to let this resentment potentially harm ur recovery? Its not worth it :frowning: idk if u believe in any sort of Higher Power, but i have actually prayed for people who piss me off and have hurt me. And the first few days my prayers were not sincere whatsoever. But overtime i prayed for them bcuz they are hurting in their own way. People dont just hurt people and do hurtful things for no reason. Peopke need to be unwell to intentionally hurt people. So i would pray for them and in doing so, it helped me to release that resentment that i had for them

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Sorry you went through all that.

Thank you for explaining it too me. I am just trying to figure out forgiveness and rational thinking. These are two piece of homework my 2 therapist gave me to work on.

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Thank u for ur that. Forgiveness is a hard one to understand honestly. And im glad ur asking about it. Otherwise how would we all learn :slight_smile:
I am really passionate on forgiveness bcuz its very freeing. I could be sitting here crying and angry at what those people did but i truly dont want to live my life like that. They stole apart of my life back then, so why should I allow them to continue to steal my joy and happines now? They have been far removed from life and they dont deserve that time or energy :slight_smile: i hope that u can find what u need to move past what happened. Whatever ur going thru sounds quite serious and u deserve to be happy :slight_smile:

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Because your the one doing the suffering.
This story is just me - When some kind of higher power entered my life it filled all the cracks with love and compassion for others. Raped by my mother over 30 years ago I would love to hold her now and let her know everything is OK. Because what a terrible life someone must have lived to be able to do such an act. I don’t know why I feel like this I just do but I know it’s a lot healthier than hate and resentment. Sorry I can’t help you but your experience is personal to you and only you can figure out how to deal with it.
I do know one thing though that the only way to deal with these things is head on, if there is a conversation that can be had with this person as tough as it is I would have it, if its going to cause pain to others don’t have it, if its going to cause pain for you in the short term it may heal you in the long term. Only you know the situation.

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Much like @Butterflymoonwoman, I had to work toward forgiveness toward my abusive husband. It was a long road and it was freeing for me when I got to the place where I could acknowledge that he acted as he did because of his own childhood and upbringing and because of his own unresolved issues. I also had to forgive myself for staying in that relationship up to the point where I almost died.

My work toward forgiving my best friend’s husband for sexually assaulting my daughter has been much more challenging. I can forgive my friend for staying with her husband because that is the only life she knows and she is deep in denial and feels unworthy of self love. Can I forgive myself for not realizing what was going on? For not being a safe enough resting place for my daughter when it was happening? Work in progress still. Can I forgive her abuser? I work toward that. I release my anger and my deep well of sadness. I don’t allow him space in my head, heart or soul.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. It is setting free the chains that bound us to another. Letting go of a situation that is in the past. Embracing our future and working toward healing.

I wish you much healing on your journey. :heart:

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Yes I fought with it hard frfr I started using of the age 6 I’m 41 now n I’ve been throw alot had lot trama happen to me growing up from my poor decisions n use I was abused sexly mentally n beaten most of my child hood lost lot family to addiction n volance deaths ect I was really missed up when I started cleaning up my life n staying clean n sobor my life style thought me to treat others how they treated me tooth for a tooth ect doggy doggy world but my higher power god tought me how to forgive by his sacervice on the cross he forgave me n gave his life for me so who am I not to forgive as I was forgiven it’s lot of step work praying n practice u will get there in time it’s a process

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Thank you for sharing your story & how you feel about forgiveness. It does help me when i hear others. :pray: THANK YOU :pray: :orange_heart::orange_heart::hugs::hugs:

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Thank you for sharing.
All the questions you ask yourself is very reasonable questions to ask ourselves and I never really asked myself questions like that for my own situation(s).

Thank you :pray:

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