Ty Matt, beautifully said, bookmarked !! 
I guess it’s very difficult to recover in isolation.
Blessings to you from an isolator embracing the process of recovery. - Owen
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Wow @Matt im outta hearts but just found your thread. I love your insights, always have. Book marking this because just reading the past couple months of entries have given me alot of food for thought in my own journey. Thank you for your transparency and wisdom 
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My body.
I need to surrender my body.
I was listening to this meditation this morning on Insight Timer - Insight Timer - #1 Free Meditation App for Sleep, Relax & More - and I reflected that I am holding my body hostage with tension and fretting and stress. I am not surrendering my body; I am holding it hostage.
To surrender my body, I can exercise, I can stretch, I can get a massage, I can do things that are loving and caring for my body, and I don’t need to hold my body prisoner to my “expectations” of what I’m “supposed to be doing / have done by today”. (That’s common for me, getting preoccupied with these lists of things I think I’m supposed to be doing, imagining I can be everything, everywhere, all at once.)
I surrendered my body today to meditation, and before the end of the day I will surrender it to some gym time.
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Fantasy.
I need to surrender my fantasies.
I didn’t realize before what a paralyzing effect fantasies have on me:
- the fantasy that I can do my addiction and still be ok (it never is; the addiction always takes over and it eats me up and poisons my relationships and my life)
- the fantasy that I can admire my addiction “stuff” without getting pulled back into it: the idea that I can take a quick look at my addiction without technically “doing” the addiction (I can’t; it’s as crazy as being an alcoholic trying to get sober, but going to the liquor store just to look at the bottles, maybe even sniff some samples, but not technically drink anything - that’s crazy; that’s obviously not helpful and puts me at significant risk which can and should be avoided)
Fantasy is my problem, reality is my solution.
I have to surrender fantasies to live in reality. That doesn’t mean fantasy thoughts might not drift in and out of my mind - my mind is always thinking and not every thought is realistic; some are reckless - but I need to develop my ability to let those unhelpful thoughts go.
Let them go: surrender them - surrender my fantasies, and instead, explore my reality (with other people who can help me stay grounded and connected).
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That was the topic last night in my group meeting.
Remember it’s baby steps. Surrender what you can when you can. Ask your higher power for help, ask your sponsor too. As long as you take baby steps you will make it.
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Great experience Matt! Surrender is hard but rewarding. It’s hard to learn to surrender. I was in and out of the program many times. Primarily, because I didn’t want to surrender. As much as it was ego it
was fear. I wanted to run the show, that was the ego part. The fear was I didn’t want to loose running the show.
Now I accept my past, rather than let it weigh me down for years. I give my self up to my Higher Power.
Great work!
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Debt; borrowing.
I have been borrowing too much my whole life. I have borrowed more money than was wise (not an unmanageable amount, but more than I should). I have been borrowing time from my present and my future, with my addiction.
I need to surrender borrowing. I need to live within my means, instead of a fantasy.
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Update: I am holding onto something and it is tripping me up. I don’t know exactly what it is - fear maybe; or maybe it’s just my addiction fighting like hell to still have a place in my life - but I have been struggling the last three weeks.
I notice it when I meditate: I feel like I’m rushing through it.
I have the same feeling in talks with my wife (she’s overseas right now visiting her family). I love her and she me, but I find myself distracted and kind of waiting for the calls to end. (It sounds terrible but that is sometimes the feeling.) I share this with her - it’s an emotion and it’s happening to me - and she’s been encouraging.
I find this irritating. I had what felt like great momentum earlier this summer and it has fizzled into - not nothing, but definitely I feel like I’m moving at 20% capacity instead of 80%.
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Love this Matt! Thanks for sharing. It makes me think of the oxymoron of ‘holding onto letting go’ 
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I’ve never heard that before but it strikes a chord! What an interesting image 
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What do you mean? There may be, but I want to be sure I’m understanding what you’re saying 
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I actually got it from the Slipknot song ‘Unsainted’ 
One of the tunes thats helping with my sobriety 
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That’s a good question. It is a little of both, but that’s true of most healthy things in my life, and it isn’t something I ever regret doing (like exercise: I have to push myself to do exercise / body movement some days; but that is healthy and it is also something I never regret doing).
I also think that the desire to talk is directly related to the work of being sober-in-recovery (the work of learning how to live my life free from my addiction). The last few weeks have been difficult - I hav le neglected some important personal care work - and my recovery has suffered as a result, so I suspect that is a factor here too.
It’s an interesting question you ask: it’s one of those questions that is simple and clarifies a lot; it focuses mind and thoughts, and focuses inquiry.