My kids were taken from me and my hunny in July because of our drug use. Both of us went to treatment, I will have 4 months sober next week and he just celebrated his 3 months sober. Now we got the news that our kids will be back home next Friday. My oldest just turned 9 and my youngest is 2, I know that they are going to push my buttons and think that things are going to be the way that they were. I hate to admit it, but while I was in my addiction I was a very lazy parent and let my kids do and get away with anything cause I didn’t want to deal with them, but that’s not the case anymore. I guess I’m wondering if anyone else has gone through the transition of getting their children out of care, and if you have any tips on how to deal with the little behaviors that the kids will test out, and also what I can do to help stay in the present and not let my emotions spill all over them.
I know that many people here have been through similar things, @CaptAZ for example, certainly others - if you search “family services” “children’s services” and similar terms you’ll find some posts on it.
Might be something to talk about in your recovery group, see if you can find some empathy and practical tips. Children - like recovery - are about healthy boundaries
Well first of all, congratulations! 4 months is a good start and getting kids back from DCS is a big step. I knew folks in my IOP who’s kids had been in foster for over 16, 17, 18 months because they could not stay sober and make it to parenting sessions, IOPs and all the other stuff they want you to do.
Secondly I can relate to what you wrote about the feelings, the what ifs, the past attitude and behaviors. My wife and I weren’t terrible parents but we sure were lazy a lot and completely selfish.
My kids were 9, 8, 6 and 5 when they got put into foster care, we got them back in 7 months cause we dove into getting sober and all the services they offered. What your case worker said, your parental aid said, your counselor said all carries weight, they wouldn’t put the kids back just because as those kids are their real concern and if they thought you were ready then you probably are.
My advice, enjoy them when they get home, ours missed us dearly and we spent a week just enjoying each other. Set some boundaries, kids will be kids, they test, they push, they need some boundaries. Be patient, you dont want to get too high on a wave or too low. The past is the past, it cannot be undone but it will slowly fade when you keep making the next right choice.
Just move forward by making sober decisions and setting a good example, thats about all you can do. It’s what we’ve done for 4.5 years now and we’re a pretty cohesive unit.
I hope you can set some boundaries and be firm. Maybe spend some time outdoors together? Is that possible? Idk, kids sometimes like nature, it may take awhile. We can all be a big pain in the ass sometimes, with kids it is usually cuz they are having some feelings they might not know what to do with or how to express (same as us big kids). Paper, crayons, markers, journals can help us all get the shit out of our heads and onto paper. Every little bit can help. If there are parenting classes available for you, take advantage. Our women’s shelter always had a few and the library sometimes has free kids stuff to do too. Wishing you well.
How are things going with the kids @Bmdxox?
Sorry, haven’t had internet for a while.
Things have been going really good with the kids, but unfortunately I was denied having my kids come home by cfs, and they made me sign another 3 month agreement. They said it’s because they don’t want to rush the reintegration process and have an incident happen.
I’ve been having a hard time dealing with stress, but I can proudly say that I haven’t had a slip through all of this. But I can’t say the same for my partner, he has tested positive for cocaine on 5 different urine tests, which we have 3 times a week. Obviously he denies it to me, but honestly I think that’s why I was denied having my kids come back home.
Im not making assumptions, but I also haven’t been able to talk to him about it as he still acts on his anger which makes it very hard to have a conversation with him.
So I’ve just been doing everything the social workers tell me to do, but I’m starting to feel like they are judging me on my partner’s decisions and resentments are starting to form.
Does he live with you? Is it the kids’ dad?
Glad you are staying sober ODAAT!
Yes he lives with me and is also the kids father.
Glad you are handling your sobriety well. I would assume that yes, CFS is looking at the household as a whole and your partners drug use is going to keep your kids from being returned home. That is a tough spot to be in. I hope you fight for your self and for your kids.
How can he deny it if he’s tested positive?
Then see Sassy’s response. He may need to remove himself from the household until he can choose to get sober. If I were CPS, I would not allow the kids to return to your household.
This is a great community with lots of support. What else are you doing to support your sobriety?
I’m in a really tough situation, I’ll do anything to get my kids back, they mean more to me than any relationship. But I’m stuck, I have absolutely no income since cfs took my kids, I live on a reservation and unable to receive social assistance from the province, social assistance here on reserve is only 80$ a week which makes it impossible to save up. This is my partner’s place and he makes that very clear. There is no space for me or my kids at my family’s house. I don’t live in a city where it’s easy to walk to where you need to go and also don’t have a vehicle or family/friends that would be willing to drive me to and from work if I were to get a job. So I’m literally stuck and don’t know what to do.
And he denies it because even when he gets caught in a lie he still can’t tell the truth. I don’t like being with him sober, but I don’t know what to do, I have no where’s to go for now.
So I probably won’t be getting my kids back until I can figure out a way to get my own place.
Oh lady, I had no idea. I’m so sorry that that is your situation. I am going to pray for your continued strength. I firmly believe that things will get better, maybe even unexpectedly so, if you stay sober. Also, if you could find some online sobriety meetings or sobriety podcasts to get you better connected to the outside world, that may help.
That sounds really tough and I feel for you. Do you feel you can trust your social worker with what you’ve just shared here? I think you’d need a lot of support but that you sound committed to staying sober and getting your kids back but that your partner is clearly not so committed.
I’ve been homeless before and my kids were in care for a short while too although it seemed like a very long time. During those times all I could do was visualise us together in a safe home. I had no idea how that was going to come about, but it did and I really hope it does for you too.
Im currently going through something very similar. Me and my partner of 10 years lost her children 6 months ago. Since weve both been working the case plans and ive been 100% committed. She on the other hand has relapsed 3 times in the past 40 days or so. The problem is, i cant get the kids back by myself as they are not biologically mine. What ive told myself is that i cannot control her actions, only mine… the difference in our situation is you are both the biological parents and it sounds like you are in a much more difficult situation with being co dependent on your partner/ childrens father…maybe its time to completely relocate into an area where you can thrive for your children. I know that must sound really difficult and it probably will be… remember, your children are worth it… they are worth every inch of fight that you are able to give!!! Dont give up, you have a phone in your hand with sooooo many resources… i would just keep calling around and checking your options… stay hopeful, stay fighting the good fight! I wish you the best!!!