Getting sober while in a relationship

Hi everyone,

Today I am 23 days sober (24 at midnight but who is even counting :woman_shrugging:t2:).

I have had this app since I first decided to start working on getting sober. I usually would just journal my triggers when i truly felt an urge/ desire coming on to drink. Recently I’ve been using my journal for many other things. I will write about how much alcohol has affected my life in a negative way. But I’ll also write how stopping has made me already feel so much better mentally and physically. I like to think I’m doing pretty well with the way I am handling situations sober. One thing though I have having a VERY hard time with is my relationship. Things will seem to be going good but the moment my bf goes out drinking it feels like a huge slap in the face. Idk. I guess if it wasn’t as frequently I may not be as bothered but it’s pretty often. Last week i got off at 6am from a night shift and he wasn’t home and i had no idea where he was. I felt so upset. He is a huge reason I started to work on getting sober to begin with. I would get very angry while drinking. It wasn’t every single time but the last time was either we were breaking up or i wasn’t allowed to drink anymore. I truly believe though you can’t make a person change who doesn’t want to. I was ready to make this change though. I just don’t feel the support from his end and it’s starting to worsen my anxiety again when he goes out. Does anyone else have this problem or have had a similar experience? Do you have any advice? To be 100% honest I am going to do what’s best for me so if that is going to mean I’ll be single in the long run than so be in. I was just hoping maybe there were a few things left to maybe try…

Any advice is welcomed and appreciated :woman_facepalming:t2:

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It’s so hard to let go of loved ones I am expecting my first child with my ex but the history we have together is to much to bare with and I had to make that sacrifice in order to keep up with my recovery as much as possible and made that decision knowing that if I hadn’t done something about it it would eventually jeopardize my sobriety and I can’t risk that because the best way to take care of my child when he’s born is to put myself first…
Just like while flying in a plane when the masks drop down you put yours on first so you’re More effective to help put your childs on…
It’s sometimes the hardest thing to do but if it was easy then it wouldn’t be worth doing right? So I sincerely hope you make the right decision and find solice and serenity in whichever route you take I wish you another 24 hours of sobriety

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Tell him you’re not comfortable with his behavior; you’re making a huge effort to be a better person. Ask if he thinks you should part ways. You’re allowed to be selfish about your health and happiness.
You’re doing great, do what’s best for YOU. :wink:

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That is such a good way to look at it! Thank you so much for your words and congratulations :balloon::tada: Your son will be so proud of you!

You are 100% right! I definitely will have a talk and see what he thinks and if maybe he is willing to make any sacrifices as well. I’m not asking him to be sober but this is sooo fresh for me and I just really don’t feel the love and support from him. I really wish he would seek help too.

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You need to be just as sure about his seriousness of sobriety as well as your own otherwise itll lead back to questionable thoughts and progress quicker than you know into a relapse possibly and sometimes to love from a distance is the best thing to do I learned that the hard way

But it’s something I’ve been very content with now given the fact that I can make my own decisions and not have to worry about whether or not it makes someone feel a certain way because no matter what decision you make someone will have something to say about it and it’s all about how we choose to respond if you don at all which there will be some decisions better left undecided in my opinion

You should be the reason. Not anyone else. Not kids. Not a job. Not family. Not friends… YOU.

You only need to get sober for you.

If you choose to get sober for anyone or anything else, you will sooner or later resent them or it.

Because ultimately, you can’t change anyone else either.

You partner is on his own path. Even though you are “together”

Girl live your life, get amazing, and the rest will happen as its meant to.

You may notice that maybe in the end, that relationship is only holding you back from shinning.

It’s a big world out there. What ever it is that Is going to be your truth, will be there waiting.

You do you, don’t have expectations on anyone or anything… your future self will thank you and shine in doing so :wink:

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This is an impossible quest…

Never, will anyone know the truth to this, because ultimately, we are all addicts.

And unfortunately we are unpredictable.

As George Michael said best " you gotta have faith"

That’s all anyone can do :wink::laughing::innocent:

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I only meant that if you can’t be certain that he’ll do whatever is necessary for the betterment of himself than how can he possibly do so in a relationship idk I ramble on sometimes lol

Sometimes relationships are codependent but you don’t realize it while you’re in it. Many of us after getting sober can realize how many relationships were in fact codependent. Or toxic…

My advice is, sobriety come first and foremost. If your relationship creates unnecessary anxiety and stress because a partner isn’t supportive then you should definitely choose the healthy route, whatever that may be. If you’re continuing to grow and evolve as a person sometimes you leave people behind. It doesn’t mean you don’t love or care about them.

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I really love and appreciate this advice! This is all still so fresh for me and I really needed to hear that. I definitely do need to put my sobriety first!

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Yes, I’m for sure going to try. It just already doesn’t seem like it’s gonna go to well. But everyone is right. Sobriety needs to come first. Thanks for reaching out. :hugs:

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If you want to stop drinking to have a better you and a better life and your bf can’t respect that. Cut your losses now and save yourself from some the unnecessary chaos. I speak only from my experience.

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I have been trying but he keeps turning things around on me. When I would drink I could become very angry so he says things like “I’m not the one who fights people when I get drunk so I don’t need to stop” or “I enjoy getting wasted and having a good time”. This morning after working a 13 hr. shift he starts fighting with me immediately. But then says how starting a family might be what settles him down… I told him if he can go out drinking all night and not even let me know where he is than I certainly don’t need to bring a child into this world to have to deal with that… I feel like I’m on fucking Jerry Springer putting all of this out there. But honestly, idk what to even do anymore. I tried leaving this morning and he just starts throwing all my shit out the door and talking down to me. I finally just broke down crying because I couldn’t take it anymore. Getting sober is hard enough and he should be supportive but he’s making me want to drink ( I’m not going to but he’s becoming a huge trigger). Im sorry everyone for ranting. This just has been a veryyy very rough day.

I feel for you and the part about bringing a child into this world when any parent is dealing with an addiction is the worst thing possible. I know from experience. Mine are now 9 and 7 and I’ve been fighting my sober battle for that long. I’ve had good streaks of 200 days. Recently relapsed but didn’t binge. It’s getting easier with each passing day but I would say have yourself and significant other all balanced out and sober before bringing a child. At least 1 year sober. Good luck. You got this.

No need to be sorry for getting it out there. Getting sober is an incredibly hard journey. There are always going to be plenty of yours and downs on this journey and you are making the effort every day so far. It seems like you are doing a great job so far.

I agree with a lot of the people in here in that you need to focus on yourself first. Just remember that drinking because of your boyfriend is not going to be the answer. Stay strong and check in here or meetings if you are going to them. You will be all the better for it in the long run.

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