I think I can see a nipple
Well this is fun. I’m actually really on top of my erectile disfunction. Of course thoughts creep in, but I feel stronger this time. I’ve put a lot of energy into my health and I’m slowly on my way to getting buff.
So, now that I’m feeling better physically and mentally, I’m craving more healthy activities. I have been working out 7 days a week now for about a year. I was experimenting with something. I had previously been on a 5-day split with taking weekends off and lifting somewhat heavy. Well…. heavy for me.
I used to be a personal trainer, so I wanted to debunk some myths. Some that I even preached myself when I was training. So, off to the races I went.
I decided to work the same muscle groups every single day, 7 days a week, high rep, lower weight. Zero cardio, just weights.
I definitely saw improved definition in my arms and abs. I grew muscle, and basically accomplished a recomp. For those who know what that is, it ain’t easy. Most bulk, then cut. This combines the two, and consistency is non negotiable. Everyone’s body responds differently to these things. Just like sobriety, we all have to find the secret formula that works for us. This is working for me.
A friend of mine is getting married and sent me a link to an app she’s using to workout. I was like “meh, why not”. I’m not someone that is typically into classes, but I do love the ones that combine weight training. So, here we are. My introverted ass is in heaven. I look forward to it everyday. I think focusing on my health and seeing the results is helping me fend off erectile dysfunction. 
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Looking awesome Beth, even if they are the ‘before’ pics. We know we’re on a good thing if we’re actually looking forward to it every day. Much easier to commit and maintain if we enjoy it!
I love the shirt, my sister in 50 this year, I was thinking of getting her something similiar 
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My sister went ham on Amazon. I had crap coming here for a few days haha. But, the little shit turns 50 herself next year, so I’m going to have a lot of fun with that 
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First of all, why’s Amazon gotta do me like this? They already pulled up the order and pic of the product. Rude 
Second, I really debated posting this, but it’s deeply affected me and I can’t seem to come out of the darkness created by it. To others it might seem like no big deal, but something about it triggered me immensely and I can’t move past it. As many of you know, I’m not a crier. But as the frustration, sadness, internal turmoil, etc. grew, I began to slowly leak from my eyes and it turned into a full blown sob for about an hour. Talking about it out loud will make me cry again. I had a meeting this morning and it was noticed that I didn’t seem ok. That never happens.
So, number one, I don’t want this turning into a mask debate. I honestly could not handle that right now.
I take a big cart to and from work everyday. I call it Svetlana’s Uber. I put her in it with all my books, laptop, tablet, shoes, whatever I cart back and forth. On the way home it was really windy and raining. I guess the outskirts of that tropical storm. So while fumbling around trying to get the umbrella out and cover both littles and me, my mask must have flown somewhere. No idea because I clip it to my keychain.
I was looking for it as I was entering the building and couldn’t find it. The wind was blowing the umbrella and everything around, I was soaking wet, and maybe 5% of the people in my building wear a mask. This includes the concierge director and other staff members.
So I said “fuck it” and went to the elevators. No one except for 3 women in the elevator lobby were wearing masks. Two elevators opened at the same time and the mask wearing women got into my elevator. I smiled and said hello as I always do. They waited until the door closed and asked me if I had my mask. I was stunned and embarrassed because I didn’t have one. They didn’t let me get anything out after I said no. They got angry, loud, called me ignorant, asked if I thought I was special and above the law. I was cornered and in the back corner of the elevator. The part that hit me so har was as they tried to physically intimidate me on the way out of the elevator, she got in my face and said “that’s your damn white privilege”.
They don’t know me. They don’t know what I stand for. To say that to me of all people is crazy.
We’re they right about the mask? Absolutely!
Did they go about it inappropriately? Absolutely!
Do I have to explain myself to a stranger? No!
I’m don’t know which part was the most triggering. Was it the fact that I felt I was being kind a friendly and they cornered and bullied me? Was it calling out my white privilege when they don’t know what I stand for and how important the BLM movement is to me. The fact that as much as confrontation terrifies me, I will confront anyone that says or shows racist behavior. I need to use my privilege to help make the change. I’m anti racist.
Do I believe in white privilege? You bet your sweet ass I do. In my part of the country, we have a long way to go.
Was I triggered because I gained an even deeper empathy for people of color? Thank ve become ashamed of being white. I got judged on the color of my skin yesterday, and look at what a weak mess I am. They chose to get into my elevator for a reason. If the no mask bothered them, they would not have entered. Had they entered first, I would not have entered out of respect that they were wearing masks.
Anyway, that one time and how it’s affecting me ain’t shit compared to a lifetime of feeling that way when you’re a person of color. They didn’t know me, they don’t know my heart, but they hated me. So I feel like a loser for being so upset by this. But I can’t even function. I’m in this wild depression.
I’m afraid to leave my apartment. I thought about dying my hair. I thought about moving. Then I started to think about ways to never have to leave my apartment ever again.
Thank god I have therapy on Friday.
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You have compassion, you have a heart. You got hurt. You were a victim of racial profiling. You are a strong woman with good strong convictions.
Do some good for you things, try to relax, whether it’s working out or watching a movie. Hugs.
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Thank you 
I feel ashamed for getting so upset. Like it happened to me one time. The lady who went off on me has had to live her entire life like that. It made my heart break for her and at the same time I wanted her to know that I care. But she wasn’t open to listening. So I just let her blow me up. She could’ve had a bad day. It just gave me so many conflicting emotions. Still not sure what was triggered.
Thank you as always for your support. I’m just about to workout. Believe it or not it didn’t help me yesterday!!! I was a little surprised by that. I’m getting better as the day goes on and I’ll make sure to buy more masks and always have extras on me 
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It puts a big lump in my chest just reading it because of all the reasons. It’s a very valid reaction that you had, for all the reasons.
Never be ashamed of your empathy and your caring for your fellow human beings.
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So many questions. I wonder if she would have acted the same way if she was alone. Maybe having a bad day and took it out on you. Since getting sober, I find myself making excuses for others. I try to avoid seeing any bad in people. While in active addiction, I constantly blamed others for everything so I guess this is where it comes from. I wish you had a chance to explain so that she could see what an amazing person you are. She probably would have been very understanding if she took a second to find out why. Whatever the case, it doesn’t dismiss the fact that she jumped to an unfair and unfounded conclusion and that makes me sad. Oh well, we’ll never know why she attacked. I think I need to talk to a therapist after reading this. Can I join you Friday?
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Yes!! Please come with me lol. I wish you lived closer, we would hang out all the time. I would even go to a meeting or two with you haha. I love you girl 
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Me too. And that goes both ways, when I’m attacked and when I’m the one losing my cool. I don’t know if that’s an alcoholic thing or just a human thing. But it does go against the grain of how I was raised to be quiet and powerless and to suppress any “bad” feelings.
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I think I’m in a smidge of a funk. It’s probably mostly my period as it has me completely down for the count. I shouldn’t complain as I never even had so much as a cramp until a few years ago. I know it’s almost over, but it affects my job. I’ve taken as much as a week off in the past, so I’m glad today is a holiday.
A few situational things are stressing me out right now and my anxiety has been off the charts. I don’t recall having anxiety this intense before.
Stress item number 1
The main one is my CCIM Portfolio. First, it got lost in the shuffle. When I reached out to the designation person to check on the status, she ignored me as per usual. I had to contact my mentor who wants to sleep with me, ugh, he’s married. I’ll get to that. He’s high up in the organization so he was able to get someone to look at it and respond. It was then denied, and one of the transactions was completely kicked out and I needed to submit a different one. Problem was, I didn’t have another one. The one that got kicked out was a clerical error by the listing firm’s broker and she shorted the lease by 19 stupid days. A 19 day clerical error was standing in the way of everything I have worked so hard for and I was livid.
My mentor asked me if I included the lease for the space I rent for my company, which I had not! So, he saved the day with that. I had to run up to a clients store and have her sign a document. I had to bring a freaking notary with me and my client had to sign a document stating she actually signed the contracts because the way it came through DocuSign was not acceptable.
My portfolio was supposed to be unlocked the same day it was rejected, on September 1st. It’s still locked. My portfolio auditor said to just email everything to him as it will be quicker. I did that on Friday. I have yet to even hear from him to verify it was received. So, as I’m typing this I just sent him another email with the notarized doc. I sent it from a parking lot where I was having lunch with my notary friend, and the signal was terrible.
I have worked so hard for this. I have built my company up against all odds. Commercial Real Estate is hard enough to make it in, let alone when you start up on your own with no guidance. I hung my license at a residential firm so I could head up their commercial division. The owner and my future partner was not carving out a fair ownership deal, so as soon as I was able to bet my broker in charge license, I went out completely on my own.
I’m grateful for a very large network as I was able to source information and mentorships to learn my craft. I also read, read, read and study my ass off. I’m fairly intelligent, so thankfully the knowledge comes easily. The CCIM education has been by far the most valuable. However, it was extremely expensive and time consuming.
I have already purchased plane tickets, reserved my fancy ass hotel room (thank god for group rates), paid for the review course, and paid for the test. So, I’m really on edge about my portfolio being approved. My ESPN sees me there taking and passing the exam, but what if I’m wrong.
People fly out from all over the country for the pinning ceremony which is in the evening on the same day as the exam. If I’m not at the pinning ceremony, the humiliation of failing the test might be more than I can handle. I feel so much pressure. Very few women hold this designation. Anyway, I’m over here just trying not to freak out.
Stress item number 2
The large commission I got screwed out of. Did all my research to see if I t was my client or broker, and it was the listing broker that screwed me over. He’s both a CCIM and SIOR, both must abide to a strict code of ethics, which clearly he has not. I was torn about how to approach this as he’s big shit in my market and I actually really liked him a lot and respected him.
I wrote the following email to him on Thursday and his response was simply “understand”. I hope that means he’s going to continue to pay me. I honestly don’t want to have to get my attorney more involved than he already has been. Poor kid is so busy, which is a good thing. I refer him a lot so he doesn’t charge me for little shit like this. Obviously if I sue, I’ll pay him. Anyway:
L***r,
I was able to locate and connect with the new owner of Kal Freight. I was informed that the landlord approved a sublease for the property. Because the tenant I produced is still ultimately responsible for the lease, my commission payments should not have been discontinued.
As you know, I respect and admire your greatly. However, I’m disappointed with how this was handled. I was not informed of any issues, or given the professional courtesy to rectify and/or be part of the solution. I was never informed of the sublease, but I rather had to reach out to Caitlin to let her know my commission check never arrived. I assumed it was lost by the postal service as it had been numerous times before.
I must say that I was blindsided by your phone call, and it left me feeling uneasy. So I obviously did some digging as well as consulted my attorney. I’m a very fair and easy going person, but please don’t mistake my kindness for weakness.
Again, I have incredible respect for you and enjoy working with you, but this is disappointing to say the least. My hopes are that you do the right thing and continue issuing my commission payments as agreed upon.
Stress item number 3
My GA Firm, Broker-in-Charge, Broker Licenses. I submitted the applications and funds over a month ago. Had to do the whole background check and fingerprint thing. I hired an agent of record company in Georgia and filed my articles of incorporation with the Georgia Secretary of State. I’m worried because I have “assault and battery” on my record. The charges were dropped. This was the incident that gave me PTSD with cops. They absolutely terrify me and I’m actually shaking as I type this. This is when my first husband almost killed me and I called the police for help. I was wounded badly, my clothing was ripped, blood on the bedroom wall, and the bedroom door was broken in half when he came in there to get me while I was on the phone with the dispatcher screaming for them to hurry.
He was completely calm when they got there. I was terrified and crying. 7-8 officers were at my house. No on talked to me. I saw my ex take one of them upstairs and then they all went outside with my husband again. I heard laughing so I opened the door to ask if anyone was going to talk to me. They were angry and said “ma’am step inside please”. Right there I knew something was not right. Finally one of them came in and asked me if I threw a remote control at him? I said “no, I threw one, but not at him”. The said “ma’am, stand up and put your hands behind your back”. My piece of shit husband let them take me. I spent 48 hours in solitary confinement with not medical help and they told my mother I wasn’t accepting calls which was a lie. My paperwork literally said assault by throwing a remote control.
So I’m worried about that charge being an issue. But I also was pulled over in GA in 2017 when my car was on fire and I was too drunk to even notice. I was irresponsibly fleeing husband number two who came home and woke me from a dead sleep to beat the shit out of me. I can’t even remember what I did to piss him off. I just got in my car and drove as far as I could. When he finally came to get me, he said he was leaving me right in front of his mother as she was with him. This was the very beginning of the car ride. You know, because he was so sick of MY shit. My charges were downgraded to failure to something yield caution or something. I don’t know. But I was on probation or something like that, for a year in GA and I had to do community service, which Ed turned into a long term thing for me because I loved where I was doing my service. I’m worried as to whether I was supposed to put this down, but it was a misdemeanor and not a felony, so it should be a no. I contacted them a few weeks ago just to make sure it was received because I had to send money orders via mail and that made me nervous. They confirmed it was received and sent to some department for review. I’m just nervous that it’s going to get rejected because of one of my criminal records.
If not, then I’ll be licensed in NC, SC and GA. FL is next. I miss Florida so much, I would love to split my time between there, Charleston, and here once the business takes off a bit. Commercial Real Estate in Miami is insane and I want in on that mosh pit!
Please let me know if this wasn’t long enough and I’ll be happy to elaborate
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That is a lot at once.
I would have a hard time having all of that on my plate. I know you thrive in high stress situations but… a lot right???
They all seem really important so how will you cope with all of that so that you are less overwhelmed?
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Stress Item Number One.
Wait until Tuesday, hopefully you will then receive good news. This is a holiday weekend for you, Monday, and lots of people may not want to work or may be too drunk to work.
Stress Item Two.
You’ve done all you can do for right now. Again and unfortunate it’s WAIT until Tuesday. Hopefully it will be good news. If not, then contact the attorney.
Waiting is hard. I’m sure you feel like you’ve been waiting forever. Try to do something good for you that will ease your suffering and anxiety. Pet the pups.
Stress Item Number Three.
Again the dreaded WAIT word. Hopefully you’ll be accepted. If not do what you can to get it reviewed again and see what you can do to plead your case.
Very stressful stuff, writing it down is good. I’m glad you shared it. Now if you can set it on the table and know you’ve done all you can for today. Tomorrow will come and you can deal with it.
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You know me…. I almost signed up for another personal training certification today so that I would be getting certified from two separate organizations. I’m still going to do it, just waiting on a better price.
All I can do is organize my time and not get distracted. I don’t think my friends truly understand how difficult and important this is to me. Especially one friend. She owns a business, but she’s a photographer. She can talk and work at the same time. I cannot. I need to concentrate. She calls me like 50 times a day. When I tell her I’m going off the grid for a few weeks to study, it seems to hurt her feelings. I told her to just text me because at least she’ll hear something from me. It just may not be instant.
So, as for coping, I seem to have a pretty good routine going. That helps a lot, especially when I accomplish what I set out to do for the day. I just have to remember to take my stupid adderall lol.
@Alisa thank you :). Yes, waiting is not my strong point. Never had and never will lol.
Even though I’m not feeling well today, I accomplished more than I thought I would, so that’s a good feeling. Plus I’ll get to workout at a decent time and get to bed at a decent time. Hoping to keep up the good work. Haha
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Thank you!!
One of three things down. My portfolio was accepted. So I still her to fly to Pittsburgh to sit for the exam. I’ll be happy when that’s behind me so I can focus on the 6,000fitness certifications I’m getting
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Congratulations, best wishes on the test, I’m sure you’ll ace it, and have fun at the pinning ceremony!
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