2 and a half years clean and sober here, feeling all the feelings through losing my dear cousin Doug to a fatal car crash earlier this week.
Right after I found out I cried through an AA study meeting on the 3rd step with one of my sponsees, just bawled right through my share. First time I have ever cried in a meeting even through losing 2 beloved pets and a nasty breakup earlier in recovery. My sponsee and I had just finished a workout at my gym when I got the phone call and we were on the way to the meeting already. It was about as good a time to get terrible news as I can think of. I called my sponsor after the meeting for solace and followed her advise to wait on any funeral travel plans for 24hrs and not to act on my emotions.
Tonight I journaled my emotions and listened to Enya and cried on the phone with my mom. I did not once crave alcohol or benzos. I am not emotionally constipated or numbed so I have a chance to grieve in the healthy way my cuz deserves. I am doing extra meetings this week and sharing about Doug and have 2 planned tomorrow with a newcomer woman and my sponsor family. My understanding of my belonging and value in my community today seems to have replaced the hopelessness and suicidal ideation that was my former kneejerk reaction to tragedy and trauma.
I would appreciate hearing about what others in recovery have experienced with loss and healthy grieving, working through survivors guilt, etc.
Thank you all for being here for me.