When I read your post, it really seems like ANYTHING could have ended up happening. With awareness and control both being impaired, there isn’t much left to stop worse things from happening. I consider you lucky that all that happened was tears, vomit, cuts, and damage to the house. Am I trying to scold you? No. I’m trying to help make sure you see the seriousness of what happened, because I know what it’s like to have the high of personal connection and a “good time” overshadow the risks and compromises that came with it. If you already see it as serious, then I’m sorry for the redundancy, but I had to make sure.
When I’ve felt out of control with my BPD, one of three things has happened.
- I regain control.
- I tell someone responsible that I’m losing it and I need help. Someone who both can and will take action or seek further help if needed.
- Very bad things happen.
Starting to do #2 instead of #3 has saved me a lot of grief.
If your BPD is like mine, feeling connection with people is sky-high on the priority list, is what feels safe and enjoyable, and making distance from friends is going to seem ridiculously harsh and undoable. It might also be really tough to stay stable when it seems like one of your important connections is threatened. It’s tough to conduct a cost/benefit analysis under this kind of bias. Discussing the situation with your therapist might be informative, regarding what kind of relationship with your friends is appropriate for your recovery and mental health, and may help you figure out how to handle doing whatever you need to do here. Being totally honest and transparent will be key to making that work. Does your therapist have experience working with substance abuse?
Using drugs together is an example of your friends being unsupportive of your sobriety. They may want to help you get sober, but wanting to support and being supportive are very different things. If you’re spending a lot of time with them and they’re not already sober, it’s a really tough fight for you to get sober, with odds I don’t like.
Aside from the drug usage, I relate to a lot of what you’re going through. The desperation and self doubt is exactly how I felt trying to climb out of the lows of my BPD fueled by on-and-off alcohol use. I made a lot of intense friendships that felt life-changing but made poor choices chasing them, and chasing relief from the extreme emotional up-down-sideways-barrel roll madness. A lot of self harm, a lot of compromising my safety, a lot of hospital visits.
I’ve found some stability since then. After a couple months sober, the stuff I had been learning from DBT and other mental health strategies started to work 10x better than before this time. I’ve had dry time before, but I hadn’t worked on myself to leave the alcohol behind permanently, so things are unfolding much differently now that I have started to do that. I’m confident that if you get more sober time under you, it’ll make it way easier to stack on more of it.