Guys I need you....for real! 😰

Zopiclone, codeine, Pregabalin and anything else we could find…but…I didnt smoke weed :no_mouth:, so thats good :roll_eyes: but as a result I got completely SMASHED last night :disappointed:. A vomit in the kitchen twice :nauseated_face:, a shower that resulted in using a razor blade to draw a house on my leg :house:, dissociated much? :dizzy_face:Plus had to brake a brathroom latch to get a friend who locked the door and fells asleep :sleeping:, out of the toilet :toilet:. There were tears :sleepy: and spew :face_vomiting: and cuts :hocho: and talks :speech_balloon: and cuddles with my two best friends :two_women_holding_hands:. It was fun at the time​:hear_no_evil:, i wont lie​:speak_no_evil::see_no_evil: We laughed and cuddled watched a movie :desktop_computer::keyboard: and it was awesome! :smile_cat::smirk_cat::heart_eyes_cat:. But we could have done that without the drugs :triumph: . Guys, I want to be sober :sob::sob:. I really do.:sleepy::sob: 100% drug free. :innocent: Ive tried it before and have done wellish in the past, but my BPD is so severe sometimes i feel like im out of control :exploding_head::crazy_face: and i have no idea how to make myself do the right thing :thinking:. Im going to be on this thread as much as possible so i can stay sober. :angel::clap: I need to get to 7 days and I can rejoin my CADs mindfulness group. I need your help to do it :worried:, cause im terrified :scream::flushed: and I am not confident I can. :neutral_face: God save me. :pray: Please…:raised_hands::palms_up_together:. And God bless anyone who is willing to help me please. :grimacing::heart:

Thanks Team, I hope u are all doing well! All the loves! :heart::blue_heart::green_heart::yellow_heart::orange_heart::purple_heart:

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Unfortunately there is no medication for BPD

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Hi Stacey,
Can’t you get any extra help? Those relapses won’t help getting comfident about your sober life. Maybe a therapist/AA/NA/SMART?
And maybe avoid those friends for a while?

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Good to see you back friend! Not on the terms i like to see but your human and make mistakes. Dont be hard on yourself. This shows how easily something can turn south quick just by hanging with the wrong crowd and not giving those friends that use up. Some friends will just never learn and drug surf all thier life whether daily or occassional. Give it a few days for the drugs to exit your system and let the smoke settle so you can get a clear mind to focus again. You did this for weed and you never thought it was possible and your still doing it in that respect… You got this!

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It’s falls heavily on me now to read something like this. It helps a lot, since I am having a healthy fear of something like this happening to me that fuels my passion for the new way I am dealing with my alchoholism and life. I know that when I pick up a glass or use something I gave up the control of my life to my doc. However it turns out I know that wasn’t me in a way. I don’t want that.
I want to make my choices.

And my choice today is

I want to give control to something better than I can ever be, something that is love and mercy, compassionate and caring…

And I choose today not to die drunk in a gutter,to choke on puke in my sleep, to not kill myself or anybody else, to have my own toughts whatever they may be, to try and be better , to be free of misery and pain,lies and emotions running wild drinking brings …

I want to go to a meeting today,it helps me stay sober and lead a better life, I want to pray , I want to be grateful and content.

Please don’t die. I don’t want to. Not while obliterated and detached from life…

Thank you God, AA and people here … I am not a Saint but I am better today.

And thanks for the desperation that I felt the last time, it open a door for a new beginning

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I already see a psychologist and i have done 6 months of DBT. Ive been mega manic! Ive had to adjust to alot of changes very fast and ive lost control a lil bit.

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Thanks dude! Legit! The friends i have are pretty awesome and supportive… they want to get sober too. And we live together. They are my best friends to be fair. :blush:

Im so glad u have found this strength! Well done! :slight_smile:

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I could but ive already got high…

Are you ok? Im really concerned about the whole using a razor to carve a house into you leg thing. Do you have a history of self harming? Or was it one of those “seemed good at the time” moments?

Ive had issues with itnin the passed but hadnt done it in months. Maybe close to a year. I shouldnt have done it but there u go.

How you doing today?

Just checking in on you @Swam. How are you today?

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You did so well, what happened that made you acting like this?
I am worried, how are you today?

Dafuq I just read? Who is “we”? Yes, you didn’t smoke weed but “we” emptied out the medicine chest, got high and “cuddled”? I had to look up a bunch of that stuff you took.

I would suggest getting as far away from “we” as possible, and focus on “you”. Get that crap out of your medicine chest. If it aint perscribed by a psychological or medical professional, it doesn’t belong there. I’m serious. Know what’s in mine? Tumeric suplements, krill oil, a multivitamin, and saline packets for my Neti pot. That’s it. Nothing that could be abused. And find some new “cuddle buddies”. Maybe a stuffed animal or rescue dog or cat. Drug buddies ain’t gonna get you clean.

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When I read your post, it really seems like ANYTHING could have ended up happening. With awareness and control both being impaired, there isn’t much left to stop worse things from happening. I consider you lucky that all that happened was tears, vomit, cuts, and damage to the house. Am I trying to scold you? No. I’m trying to help make sure you see the seriousness of what happened, because I know what it’s like to have the high of personal connection and a “good time” overshadow the risks and compromises that came with it. If you already see it as serious, then I’m sorry for the redundancy, but I had to make sure.

When I’ve felt out of control with my BPD, one of three things has happened.

  1. I regain control.
  2. I tell someone responsible that I’m losing it and I need help. Someone who both can and will take action or seek further help if needed.
  3. Very bad things happen.

Starting to do #2 instead of #3 has saved me a lot of grief.

If your BPD is like mine, feeling connection with people is sky-high on the priority list, is what feels safe and enjoyable, and making distance from friends is going to seem ridiculously harsh and undoable. It might also be really tough to stay stable when it seems like one of your important connections is threatened. It’s tough to conduct a cost/benefit analysis under this kind of bias. Discussing the situation with your therapist might be informative, regarding what kind of relationship with your friends is appropriate for your recovery and mental health, and may help you figure out how to handle doing whatever you need to do here. Being totally honest and transparent will be key to making that work. Does your therapist have experience working with substance abuse?

Using drugs together is an example of your friends being unsupportive of your sobriety. They may want to help you get sober, but wanting to support and being supportive are very different things. If you’re spending a lot of time with them and they’re not already sober, it’s a really tough fight for you to get sober, with odds I don’t like.

Aside from the drug usage, I relate to a lot of what you’re going through. The desperation and self doubt is exactly how I felt trying to climb out of the lows of my BPD fueled by on-and-off alcohol use. I made a lot of intense friendships that felt life-changing but made poor choices chasing them, and chasing relief from the extreme emotional up-down-sideways-barrel roll madness. A lot of self harm, a lot of compromising my safety, a lot of hospital visits.

I’ve found some stability since then. After a couple months sober, the stuff I had been learning from DBT and other mental health strategies started to work 10x better than before this time. I’ve had dry time before, but I hadn’t worked on myself to leave the alcohol behind permanently, so things are unfolding much differently now that I have started to do that. I’m confident that if you get more sober time under you, it’ll make it way easier to stack on more of it.

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I hope you are well today. Just for today, don’t use. As for your BPD, I don’t know anything about that so I can’t even help with that, but I wish you all the best.

I’m not sure where you are located but most major cities have crisis-respite centers where you can go from 24-72 hours if you are having a crises. They aren’t psych wards but offer many of the same services. You can contact your insurance company for more info

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hope ur doing ok i also got BPD and ADHD and high rated for psychosis idk what meds u use usually for BPD but i could suggest u to try Lamictal and seroquell, lamictal has helped me A lot to make the hypomaniac phases easier and the up and low’s are minimal much more stable. its so easy doing alot of stupid regretfull things when in a manic or hypomanian phase very easy to do drugs i feel u 100% - sorry for short answer but im not so good in english

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Hey everybody,

Thanks for all the advice, I totally agree with everyone. That was out of control and unacceptable for me to do. It shouldnt have happened. I am back on day 1 from smoking weed again tho. In saying that, I am meeting with some friends from church today (cause i havent been in 3 weeks either) and im seeing my psychologist on Friday. So im gna do my old technique of just checking in here as often as i have to, even if its 1000 times, so as to avoid getting high. Im gna try get through hour by hour if I have to. I think my emotional intensity sometimes lets me forget how wrecklace I can be, which is scary. And I realised something terrible just then, while I do agree that my friends influenced my night, i would also acknowledge that I influenced theirs. And I dont want to be the person encouraging my friends to get high and be wrecklace. Its not the life I want and I think I am finally ready to start making some real effort again. Not just saying it, but actually following through. Thank u for all your support. Im SURE ur gna see me again before the day is over x

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