When I read your post, it really seems like ANYTHING could have ended up happening. With awareness and control both being impaired, there isnāt much left to stop worse things from happening. I consider you lucky that all that happened was tears, vomit, cuts, and damage to the house. Am I trying to scold you? No. Iām trying to help make sure you see the seriousness of what happened, because I know what itās like to have the high of personal connection and a āgood timeā overshadow the risks and compromises that came with it. If you already see it as serious, then Iām sorry for the redundancy, but I had to make sure.
When Iāve felt out of control with my BPD, one of three things has happened.
- I regain control.
- I tell someone responsible that Iām losing it and I need help. Someone who both can and will take action or seek further help if needed.
- Very bad things happen.
Starting to do #2 instead of #3 has saved me a lot of grief.
If your BPD is like mine, feeling connection with people is sky-high on the priority list, is what feels safe and enjoyable, and making distance from friends is going to seem ridiculously harsh and undoable. It might also be really tough to stay stable when it seems like one of your important connections is threatened. Itās tough to conduct a cost/benefit analysis under this kind of bias. Discussing the situation with your therapist might be informative, regarding what kind of relationship with your friends is appropriate for your recovery and mental health, and may help you figure out how to handle doing whatever you need to do here. Being totally honest and transparent will be key to making that work. Does your therapist have experience working with substance abuse?
Using drugs together is an example of your friends being unsupportive of your sobriety. They may want to help you get sober, but wanting to support and being supportive are very different things. If youāre spending a lot of time with them and theyāre not already sober, itās a really tough fight for you to get sober, with odds I donāt like.
Aside from the drug usage, I relate to a lot of what youāre going through. The desperation and self doubt is exactly how I felt trying to climb out of the lows of my BPD fueled by on-and-off alcohol use. I made a lot of intense friendships that felt life-changing but made poor choices chasing them, and chasing relief from the extreme emotional up-down-sideways-barrel roll madness. A lot of self harm, a lot of compromising my safety, a lot of hospital visits.
Iāve found some stability since then. After a couple months sober, the stuff I had been learning from DBT and other mental health strategies started to work 10x better than before this time. Iāve had dry time before, but I hadnāt worked on myself to leave the alcohol behind permanently, so things are unfolding much differently now that I have started to do that. Iām confident that if you get more sober time under you, itāll make it way easier to stack on more of it.
, so thats good 
but as a result I got completely SMASHED last night 
. A vomit in the kitchen twice 
, a shower that resulted in using a razor blade to draw a house on my leg 
, dissociated much? 
Plus had to brake a brathroom latch to get a friend who locked the door and fells asleep 
, out of the toilet 
. There were tears 
and spew 
and cuts 
and talks 
and cuddles with my two best friends 
. It was fun at the timeā:hear_no_evil:, i wont lieā:speak_no_evil:
We laughed and cuddled watched a movie 
and it was awesome! 
. But we could have done that without the drugs 
. Guys, I want to be sober 
Ive tried it before and have done wellish in the past, but my BPD is so severe sometimes i feel like im out of control 
and i have no idea how to make myself do the right thing 
. Im going to be on this thread as much as possible so i can stay sober. 
I need to get to 7 days and I can rejoin my CADs mindfulness group. I need your help to do it 
, cause im terrified 
and I am not confident I can. 
God save me. 
Pleaseā¦
. And God bless anyone who is willing to help me please. 
