Hanging on by a thread

Hey guys, I’m new to this, not quite sure how it works but I’m seeing that everyone is posting and supporting eachother and quite frankly, this is exactly what I need. My name is Julio. I’ve been sober for 5 days. I’ve been going on and off. With so many relapses. I have so much to say but I’ll try to keep it as short as possible. I’ve struggled with alcohol for quite some time. Never really saw it as a problem. It all started with social drinking. Then getting drunk. Then getting REALLY drunk. Drinking before work. After work. During work (I used to be a bar tended - the irony right?) Hiding my drinking. Then driving drunk (thank god I never got in an accident or got pulled over, he literally took the wheel on that one) …then blacking out a couple times. Both times trying to hurt/kill my self. That should have been a red flag right there. Did it stop me? Nope. I did take “breaks” for a while but it was more of an on and off situation. Then back on drinking. Started experiencing with drugs. Got hooked on blow for quite some time. And partied with molly every other weekend with my ex roommates. I have a fiancé who unfortunately has witnessed some of these “blackout” events, really messed her up mentally, BUT she’s still hanging on with me. I absolutely love her to death she is my future and I know I cannot let alcohol and drugs ruin that for me!!! Any way, I can go in forever but all these red flags I should have known I had a problem. But my ego kept telling me a didn’t. You have no idea how bad I’ve wanted to stop…but some evil fucking voice in my head tells to “it’s okay…have a drink” …at that point I had absolutely no self control. So I kept drinking and hiding it to satisfy that “craving”. Until my fiancé caught me few times until she couldn’t take it anymore, from the fucked up shit she’s seen and kicked me out for a few days. I stayed at a motel where I got so messed up I don’t know how my heart or brain didn’t explode (to think I would have learned my lesson) The next day as I was coming down from all the drugs I did, I have never been so paranoid and anxious in my life. I literally had thoughts of killing my self as a way of shutting my mind off. Instead, i got on my knees and prayed like I’ve never prayed before. I spent a few nights crying and praying. Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Until my fiancé let me come back home, and told me if I ever drink or take anything again, she will pack her bags and leave me. Being alone in that hotel room gave me a taste of what my life could be like if she did leave me. I would go fucking nuts. Possibly kill myself or overdose. I have no control. I admitted I needed help. And that I have a problem, but didn’t know where to start. (I’ve stopped before - the longest I’ve been sober was 5 months…but some evil voice in my head told me to have a drink because I was doing so good and that I didn’t have a problem). For so long I thought I could do this on my own, but I can’t. I NEED the help. I HAVE a problem. I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m fucking scared!!! I don’t want to be a slave to alcohol anymore!!! Last week I attended my first AA meeting. Was very uncomfortable. My ego says I don’t belong there. My soul says otherwise as it cries for help. Mostly stayed in the corner until a couple people approached me and introduced themselves to me. We had a good talk. One of them said “this is your family now” … A part of me felt a weight lifted off my back because I might have found HOPE. But again, my ego keeps telling me I don’t belong. That there is no hope. But with the power of God, I will continue to attend these meetings. I need this. I want this. I am willing to change and finally let go. All I want … is to be FREE. Wish me luck and pray for me. If you’ve read this far, I appreciate you. I’m here for the support and the love. Thank you :slight_smile:

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Next time you think of doing something stupid, think: " Is alcohol/drugs worth more than my fiancé? Is it worth a painful death? Is t worth losing everything?". Because that will happen if you relapse and don’t get your shit together. But you seem like you really want this. I have faith in you. Get that ego out of the way and you’ll get far. And if you’re struggling, know that we’re here for you

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Tell your ego to fuck off! Keep hitting those meetings, surround yourself with sobriety, embrace it. Welcome my friend.

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No one can do it alone! we all need a community , or even several that support us in growth and Change. Even though (and especially) in this society where it became important to fix it yourself, , show no ‘weakness’ etc… being enforced by this pandemic. We unlearned to reach out.
People live in tribes and communities where we all had a part and ‘function’ reaching out is human. together we can go further.
I feel thankful you shared, it helped me on a moment of doubt to see I can reach out and make myself be reminded of my path and work.
Do what you need to do! Hang in there and cherish the love!

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Well done for making a start and accepting your addiction and responsibilities. It not an easy thing to do. Keep thinking of what you will gaining, a future with your fiancee and keep this as your main focus. Be honest with her, nothing worse then someone lying and hiding stuff behind your back. Trust and communication is the key. If she is with you now, even after what you said your addiction has put her through says a lot and she will be your main support through this. Accept help, there is no shame, we all need a helping hand, no one is perfect. Good luck, looking forward to hearing more positive news :hugs:

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I will pray for you.:revolving_hearts:
A little thing that helped me was taping a list on the inside of my cabinet that has every misery alcohol has caused me.
It saved my chili a couple times already even though I’m very determined.
It was middle of the night. Sleepy, defenses way down.
That lying voice said, “just a little and then you can sleep just a little more! You need your sleep! You have important day tomorrow.”
I opened the cabinet to get a glass and there was my list.
I read it with my bleary eyes and ended up thinking, “wow! That’s a lot of misery!”
I intend to keep that list up a year at least. (I’m also going to keep a running list of all the GOOD things that happen after quitting!)
Every little thing helps.
I hope you find what works for you against that voice that lies.

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So proud of you for acknowledging your addiction. If you have a picture of you & your fiance, keep it in your pocket. When the evil ego speaks to you, tell it to fuck off and pull out your picture. Focus on the picture as long and as many times as you need to. You’ve got this. . .take one day at a time and access all the support you can.

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Wow! I could feel the PASSION in your writing as well as in your intention! It sounds like it’s been a long rough road for you. I don’t know about you, but for me to have written all that down in this forum was heart wrenching. I cried through the whole thing. But it felt good to let it go and see it written. I read mine over and over for weeks (and still do from time to time). I would recommend to pull that up and keep reading it. It will help solidify your journey as well as help you through the rough times. Don’t be a stranger and feel free to ask the very wise on here for help :heart::heart::heart: hugs!

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I love this. Thank you.

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Welcome! As the others have said, tell your ego to feck off! That voice in our heads is definitely something that we all can relate to…its the addiction. I call mine the wine bitch and I regularly tell mine to shut the fuck up and jog on! It does get easier to do this over time. Well done on taking the first steps on your sober journey. It’s not easy but together we can do this. Be kind to yourself in the early days, it helps I promise. And write down how shitty you feel right now and how bad it got. Your addicted brain will forget the low and convince you that the problem isn’t there. I know you love your fiancé but you gotta want to do this for you above all else! I’m looking forward to following your journey. Use this wonderful and safe place to help you. So much good advice here from people who understand completely. I wish you well my friend :pray:t2::two_hearts:

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I am so grateful for everyone’s support here!! This is exactly what I need and not just now but for a life time. I’m learning that I cannot and could never do this alone. Admitting & reaching out has been the best conscious decision I’ve made. I know there is HOPE!! :raised_hands::raised_hands:

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Thank you for your story! I’ve been there before with those first few meetings…even though I’d known I was an addict for years before stopping. I still felt like I didnt belong there. I love the passion you convey in your writing and I hope you continue to share in your journey. Just remember your never alone… we all have each other!