So, I just wanted to share something that has been on my mind that bothers me.
Since I became sober (now on day 37) I have had a hard time about accepting death. The thoughts about that especially my mom, myself and my cat is going to die some day freaks me out. The thoughts are coming from nowhere (my mom is healthy btw) and I have cried about this a lot. I have never really had these thoughts before and I feel I have a hard time accepting that it’s going to happen some day. I get devastated when thinking about not seeing the sky and all the beautiful nature everywhere, not be able to hear the bird songs, not be able to talk with mom or see her and so on. I even start to cry now while writing this…
Has anyone else had this feelings or thoughts when you became sober? I know I should talk to a therapist or something about this as well…
oh well… just wanted some support I guess…
Hey there…I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with that. It might help to listen to some Buddhist dharma talks on death, there are even meditations. Buddhism is more of a way of thinking than anything else…you don’t have to believe in a different god or anything like that.
I lost my mom a year and a half ago, and going through that process taught me a lot about life, death, acceptance and letting go. If I could find the kind of stuff I was listening to I’d post it here, but I think it was mainly internet searches. Lama Marut, Alan Watts, and PARTICULARLY Jack Kornfield and Pema Chodron speak brilliantly on it.
Facing the inevitability of death is also really helpful. Once we recognize and feel it…and really know it…it reminds us of where our values are. I have 13 year old pups that I know will die in the coming years (I will fall quite apart when it happens) so when I’m sitting there distracted by work and they want to cuddle…or when I’m considering NOT going for that walk bc I’m tired…Knowing the reality of life and death, I make better choices…I go on the walk, I cuddle, and hopefully, when they die, I will be able to see them over with love knowing that I was there for them as much as I could be. A good few of the grief we feel when someone dies is where we fell short in being there or open or communicating with them etc. when we are clear on death…we often find ourselves clearer and more loving, present and open in our relationships. And that leads to less regret when we do deal with someone’s passing.
Either way…I hope you get to call your mom and hug your cat today. Life’s blessings are sweet
Thank you @ELY83 I will definitely look up your suggestions. And I’m so sorry for your loss i talk to her every day and I’m always helping out. And I’m probably cuddling and joining my cats company more than anything right now. But I still feel stressed about it. Maybe it’s also because of my strong relationship with both of them which makes it even harder to accept I will loose it someday… I know I have to live more in the present but it’s just hard sometimes. Think mindfulness would be a good idea as well. Thank you again for your wise and kind words
Hey, yes I understand there is no point in crying about the future. It is just strange for me that these thoughts have popped up in my head all the sudden. But I do think getting sober made me more aware about this and also made me understand how beautiful life is when you can feel, see and think in a sober way. Totally more in touched with my fears after getting sober… thank you
Hi @IamC you are not alone. I have struggled with the idea of losing my family and furbabies. The finality of death is a very difficult concept to wrap our minds and hearts around. The unknowing is terrifying…and it was one big reason why I would drink. The idea of losing the ones that meant the most to me hurt, and I never wanted to feel that, but the truth is obsessing about something that hasn’t happened yet is in essence mourning the living…and in doing that we miss out on appreciating those relationships in our physical living world.
The present moment…that is where we are, and although it takes work and mental discipline I am mindful now to shake the thoughts off, and stay in the moment. If a thought comes I ask myself “What makes this true in this moment right now” essentially pulling my thoughts in a different direction so the ruminating doesn’t start, and I make a point to spend as much time with the ones I love most so I can hoard my memories…and celebrate life in the now with them; a win win really!
I have a few books on processing grief which is helpful, and I have also come to understand (at least in my opinion) that we are made of energy…it cannot be destroyed, which means that who we love/loved in this physical world walks with us in another form when they transcend. They are never truly far from you…you may not agree, but it’s something I feel is true, and it gives me great peace to know; even if I can’t see them… I can feel them and that makes my heart smile.
I used to worry about losing my parents… and now they’re both gone. I just couldn’t imagine life without them but now I feel endless gratitude for what I had. I’m grateful to have loved enough to grieve.
When you feel that way maybe spend some time doing things that make you feel full of life! Hug your mom and play with your dog. Go outside and breathe, and laugh and look at the sky.
When we take ourselves out of this human reality for a while, stepping back in can sometimes be really weird… surrender to that and rebuild on it.
2 weeks after my mother died, I gave birth. And I learned so much about life and death and how they really arent that different.
Life and death will continue to dance the eternal dance, and it really is beautiful.
Being present and making the most of each moment is essential.
i weirdly went through this stage too. i’m not sure what provoked it. i do have death in my immediate fam but it was years ago. thankfully it was fleeting. i would really sit with your feelings, let them flow through you, discover where it’s coming from, read books like ‘untamed’ by glennon doyle.
Thank you for your understanding @TudorDee . And yes, even though the feelings and thoughts about it is really sad it also makes me appreciate everything a lot more. And I do believe in energies as well. I have since I was a child always felt some higher-level-energy around me quite often but most often people would not understand what I was talking about when telling about these things. Feels very good for me that you also believe in such things I will practice my present living in a better way. Super much thank you for this!
You’re most welcome, and remember…when those thoughts start to creep in your not alone. You have a whole community here that wants nothing but the best for you…we may not always have all the answers, but we’ve all been in similar positions, felt similar fears, and are here to support you in anyway we can.
If you ever need to chat I’m here.
Oh, I had the same exact feelings when I was a small girl, approx. 7yo. Obviously, I wasn’t an alcoholic then. I remember being apart my mum for longer time for the first time. I was in a different city for a spa treatment after my apendix was removed. I felt like you did, when describing your fear from death. I had the same worry about my mum. I was crying and I didn’t know what to do with the sadness. That’s why I seeked help and told about it to one girl who looked after me. She was older, I looked up to her and considered her to be my friend. She told to a nurse which I see reasonable today. But the nurse’s reaction was horrible. She basically told me that I am stupid to be thinking about this stuff. Nothing else, no deeper talk, explanation of death or some form of consultation. I struggled with these thoughts and feelings for long time afterwards.
Later, I told to my auntie about it and she also told me that I am not normal if I have these thoughts. To be fair, she’s not very smart and when I sometimes look at her now I can see why she could never understood to lost young soul I was…
Anyway, nobody ever has helped me to proccess these feelings and I don’t even remember how or when I’ve got rid of them…
Today I am facing death as it is - a part of life. I don’t think about it really, because it is upsetting to remind myself that my parents (and other people I love) are likely going to die one day.
I don’t see a reason to be mourning already when they’re still here. I rather concentrate on how to spend time with them and how to bring great moments to our lives, because that’s what I want for us - be together and to feel loved by each other.
It’s hard because I live in a different country and so my fear is rather how I’ll look after my parents once they’ll need me…!? This is ocassionally stressing me out and bringing me anxiety. But I’ve learnt to put these thoughts aside and I will deal with them when the situation comes…
I believe that you’ll be fine too You’re in early sobriety and so it might bring out emotions you were used to drink away. I want you to know that you’re not alone, not the only one who’s worry about future.
My advice is to face it, to feel it and to try to find a solution - inner peace with your thoughts. Don’t push them away but accept them and sort them out. Unfortunatelly, I don’t know how. I don’t think that there is some sort of universal advice which would be same for everybody. Surelly, you’ll know the way deep in your heart and if not, ask for help. As you did here (well done ).
I believe that nowadays people won’t tell you that you’re stupid thinking about such things And believe me - you’re not! You’re compassionate and kind
I wish you good luck with this and also on your excating journey through the sober life
I think what you’re dealing with is just heightened anxiety associated with early sobriety. Not trying to dismiss how you feel at all, not even a little bit. A lot of us use because of anxiety and when we stop it kind of goes through the roof. Hope it gets better for you soon.
@Jana1988 Thank you for your loving words and your understanding. It helped a lot
@BIGSCORCHY Yes, it can absolutely be as you say, and that many emotions are showing up during this early stage of sobriety. Happy you shared your thoughts. Thank you for that
There’s a commonality with living one day at a time. It’s very true, no one is promised tomorrow. That’s one of the human experiences many of us forget quite often. That’s why it’s important to live a life of fulfillment, and enjoying the small things and looking into the beauty of our everyday lives. Quite often we take these things for granted, and instead of focusing on the positives, we find ourselves focusing in on all the negatives. Changing that outlook is very important. As they say, “if your living in the past or the future, you can’t live in the present”.
I only need to be sober 1 day, and that’s today.
Couldn’t agree more thank you