Hard time dating now


#10

Lol… Yea… I mean… If i was a few months in… I wouldnt recommend it… But im pretty sure with what im looking for - it comes with standards… Im picky for a reason (my recovery comes first) & i would do online dating, but defintely would have to be in the united states where im from. Lol


#11

So long as this is always the in the forefront, you’ll do well. Stay picky. You’ve settled before and where did it get you? No rush though, do your thing and let it come about naturally.


#12

I find it incredibly tough too, to the point I’ve questioned whether it’s easier if I just drank again. Alcohol is so ingrained into society that dating revolves around that as the pivotal point with people not able to see it as a drug. Imagine asking someone if they fancy smoking a bowl of crack on a first date. Anyway I digress.

Yes it’s tough, dating is tough anyway especially finding someone who meets our criteria and now we’ve gone and narrowed the fucking field down even further! At least before we weren’t ruling out the ones who drink a lot. There seems to be only a select few who understand, or don’t care if you don’t drink but it’s few and far between. I get it that people say you shouldn’t date in the first year, well it’s been 324 days, 41 days ain’t gonna make much difference and it’s as tough now as it was 323 days ago :man_shrugging:

I’d love to give you some sage advice, “do this and it’ll work out” but I can’t, just thought I’d have a moan with you that it’s pretty crappy :joy:


#13

You cant force love. Be patient and love yourself make your self worth a catch. When ive ever been searching for it i end up being desperate n settle for someone im not fully compatable with and try to force it to work. Many of us are over a year clean and still single. Enjoy your life … No need to add stress to it trying to force and find a partner. Finding sober people can be hard unfortunately unless you start getting involved in meetings or no alcohol festivals or events.


#14

I was in the same boat like it was already a rule of mine before i quit that i didnt like going to bed with anyone that was drunk now its i dont like it at all


#15

I dated when i was 2 years sober after my divorce had a few dates but met Sheila when i was 6 years sober married 2 years later and were married 25 years this july she hasn t got a drink problem .told her on our first date that i was going to AA she did not seem to mind as she dosnt drink a lot anyway , and we have two sons 23 and 21 , great journey keep on trucking


#16

A friend suggested Tinder, POF; I’m giving it the college try but also having a hard time with finding a viable match.
I know I was picky before–I typically have long relationships puncuated by periods of abstinence due to tough standards–and I am not willing to settle for just anyone for a brief moment of satisfaction.
I guess what I’m saying is I am torn between being alone and adjusting my lens to accept traits I hadn’t before. Ironically, my indecision will probably lead to waiting and in that time, someone special will turn up!
My spirituality has been working in that way since I got into recovery…when I have a problem, I just practice positive thoughts and the solution presents itself so long as I remain optimistic.
I guess what I’m saying is I am satisfying my curiosity by putting myself out in the dating world, but managing my expectations about the results.
Sorry, I guess I don’t have any good advice. But I hope some similarities can be drawn and just know you’re not the only one having the same struggle!
Oh, and I can’t say I’m trying if I don’t throw it out there:
I’m in Oregon, and sober friends are hard to come by, so hit me up if any of you readers need a friend too. :slight_smile:


#17

Hi Taylor! Did things finally work themselves out with you and your (ex) husband? I know you were struggling with what to do about things between you two.

I completely agree with @CaptAZ, don’t settle.


#18

This subject if your single, is difficult no matter where you are in life! Sometimes we create unrealistic expectations and standards. Especially, if you just went through a long relationship. The older you get the more difficult things become.

I do utilize dating sites, and have been on several dates. I suggest you keep an open-mind, and try not to create pre-conceived notions.

Best of luck!


#19

Girl im going through the divorce process now! You have no idea the hell ive been going through these past few months… He fell off and is deep back into the streets of addiction. But as i told you, this entire time i was just staying with him for our children. But… Its basically like ive been single this whole time


#20

For sure, we definitely have that in common unfortunately.

Damn Taylor!! I am SO sorry you’re going through this but honestly I couldn’t be happier for you that you’re finally distancing yourself from him.


#21

Be happy with yourself and love will find you or thats what i tell myself anyway haha


#22

I can relate, however if he is not a regular daily heavy drinker i wouldnt mind if he would have a drink sometimes.
i was a wine drinker, i could live with a man who would occaisonally have a bear.
i mean if you were vegetarian would you mind if he ate meat?
i wouldnt.
i get it, you are afraid to get tempted, but alcohol is ééé’verywhere!
if i would avoid it i could "t have any friends, not even visit my mom etc.
you are sober for yourseld ( and your kids)
i wouldnt exclude every man who drinks.
orrrr we could turn this site into a datig site haha!


#23

I am very impressed that you have a clear set of goals/criteria for a future relationship. That is great. In my dating years my only criteria was someone who called me back!!! I wish I could go back and do it all again.

But if you are only still in the divorce process right now do you not think it would be worth it to just take some time for yourself? I know many people say you shouldn’t date in early sobriety because it can interfere with your recovery process but I really think we also need to take time to really get to know ourselves…and fall in love with ourselves. I fully believe when we have done that then other people will want to be around you. They’ll see how much you love yourself and they’ll be dying to find out what it is that is so great about you.

On another note: I’ve heard that sobriety is the best dating filter out there. If you flat out say in the beginning “I’m sober, no ifs ands or buts” you’ll week out the douchebags really fast.


#24

How have you been love??


#25

Its hard to explain… But for the past 2 years ive been sober with a 5 month break in between trying to keep my husband on track for the sake of our kids. Its literally like ive been single this whole time… And im just ready to start dating again, its just difficult for me… Because my radar used to pick up the douchebags… And unfortunately, im attracted to “bad boys”… But bad boys usually arent sober so im at a lose / lose situation


#26

Oh, I totally understand. TOTALLY!!

Sadly, for me, I think if I were single again the last thing I would want to do is date. I’m tired of dealing with the needs of other people. Maybe I’m being selfish but I’m at a point where I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it (or NOT do it as is most often the case). For crying out loud, I want to be able to decorate my bedroom MY WAY and not worry about whether or not it is too girly for my husband. ME ME ME.

LOL


#27

Haha! I love it! And totally get that!! Do your room how you want anyways, the Queen decides those things in the house ! :grin::grin:


#28

LOL…not in my house. It’s all done very passively but I am living in a patriarchal system for sure. But I can’t blame anyone for it…I do think that subconciously I did actively look to marry my father. How Freudian!!


#29

9 years divorced, 6 months sober. Recovery 1st.

It takes time, a long time to get over a serious relationship.

Be kind to yourself, and find you again.