Hardest choice so far

I am completely stuck and at lost. My wife left 6 months ago after I got honest about relapsing. She decided to give our marriage another go but shared that she will not move back, and that I would have to move to her. Logistically this was impossible, as I have 2 sons to a previous and they share settled. I also have a family business and it is going through a big transformation. So it was agreed reluctantly that we soldier through this situation and work on self.

Today I am having to contemplate ending my marriage.
My wife has struggled with Mental Health which professionals have relabelled her 4 times over 8 yrs.
Her bipolar currently has progressed since she left and now her insecurities and paranoia are at full steam. This time apart has impacted her immensely where as for me I have only grown. We are sustaining a long distant relationship and this sucks but it has helped me to focus on my and my recovery. I feel that I’ve done to much damage and because she is unwell, she is unable to make the right decisions for herself. So hence, I may need to call our marriage off? I feel her holding onto me is making her worse… and I can’t bare to see her deteriorate. I thought I would lose her due to my lie and breaking trust, but now I feel everyone will lose her to mental health if something big isn’t decided. Im a mess!

When I see her like this I become emotional and see her fading away. The woman I loved is trapped in there and slowing losing herself. We love each other no questions asked… but now I think she needs me most which requires me to end her misery, by exiting her life.
I’m praying to my higher power for guidance everyday… I see that I am struggling to find relief from this. Can’t stop blaming myself!

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Hi @DrkniteNZ
This is so hard…
I guess primarily you need to look after yourself.
If you go under then what…
If your wife has mental health professionals looking after her, let then do what they need to do to keep her safe etc.
Noone can tell you what to do, though I can read your heart is breaking only you truly know the best thing to do.
Hoping for the best outcome for you both.

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Thank you Laura for your kind words and consideration.
Its heart breaking for sure. Not magic wand to fix this and no easy pathway moving forward. Im such a logic man and being unable to move on anything is creating anxiety and confusion. Powerless yes… just functioning right now at best

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Just a hard space to be in, I can tell your heart is just torn. I agree with Laura in that you still need to take care of yourself so that you can be be strong. Just as she needs to care for herself, we can’t fix others but we can support them by being true and showing genuine love, even when choices are hard. Sending you hope and please take care of yourself.

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Wow,

Let’s start at the beginning so I’m sure I’m tracking, you relapsed and lied about it got caught, and your wife started a trial separation. Understanding.

She moved away, I guess with her family? And you are at home, tending to a family business and managing the relationship with your children.

Now she wants you to move to her, but your life is where your at, so you agreed to work on the relationship from a distance.

Albeit long distance relationships have their own challenges and trials, I been through that, and alot of what you are saying has ended the long distance relationship i was in, having separate lives and neither of us willing to make a compromise on changing our situations, it also raises issues of trust, questions of infidelity, and can be very difficult for someone who requires physical presence in the regular

Your wife has her own set of issues pertaining to mental health and insecurity, which makes a difficult situation even more difficult.

I get it shes your wife, and you want to see her well. But she needs to step up and start her treatment and be honest with her providers, to get the best possible treatments she can. As far as her insecurities only thing you can do is provide reassurance and hope for the best. Its difficult really is.

Your working on you and making progress its showing,

As far as making the decision to end your marriage, that is something you can only truly decide it’s not an easy decision and should not be made with haste nor should it be taken lightly,

I would talk to her about your concerns first before making a decision

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Hey brother thanks for your wisdom. Everything you shared is on point bar the me getting caught. I got honest through my 12 step programme and shared with her as part of my making ammendments.

I really appreciate your support and your advice is quite insightful. Thank you! I have not made any efforts to come to a conclusion today and just focused on me. Ive shared with peers and reached out for moral support. There are many challenges as you have highlighted also that is not an overnight fix. Im hesitant to talk with her as my thought are… is that she is too unwell to see or make good decisions for herself? Hence why I am contemplating a big decision… still a mess

@MagicMama Thank you also for your support. I will focus on me as you all have shared and at some point… Hopefully have some relief and understanding soon
I am not a total mess… but hurts :cry:

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I know the pain. And I thing I’ve learned after many relapses… and separations… I have to put my sobriety first and just because I’m getting better doesn’t mean the people in my life are. Especially a love. So in dealing with that sick person we have empathy… but you know as well as I do… we only get bettter by doing it ourselves. Nobody else can fix us. Sounds like you and your significant other are on 2 separate journeys… i found out when my husband and I were apart , we both were able to stand on our own 2 feet with out being co dependent to each other. An emotional relapse is almost as bad as drinking again. Thats what sends me on my way to “crazy town” when I’m all in my head. Stay the course… do the next right thing… and put nothing in front of recovery, or you’ll lose it. I dont know about you but I’ve worked to hard and am too determined to lose anymore. If your being consumed by this situation, let yourself think about it for a specific amount of time. Like on your ride home from work. Or while you cook dinner. Don’t sit in the feelings. I had that coping skill taught to me by a woman who has 23 years sober. The right things to do are almost always the hardest. Hang in there. I thought I would be devastated when my husband left. I did drop everything and move to him… my career, my friends, my home group… He was wonderful, treated me better than ever before… and 2 weeks after arriving I was drunk. Now here I am single with REAL RECOVERY. @DrkniteNZ

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As you may know… the emotions generated in relationships can be insane. Staying focused is key but in the moment, trying to achieve this can be so difficult.
The emotional hangover… well shit, there have been many over the past 6 months. The past month I’ve found strength from my HP to achieve relief from this conflict and the codependency from my side is manageable. Through working the steps and my recovery I have learned alot about myself and emotional regulation has become a key skill I’ve acquired. For my partner… not so. Her codependency is creating her unwellness and driving her mental health haywire. I stuck with a hard decision to make at some point but, I’m being guided by my HP this time and that is new to me. Im not consumed as often so that change but I will consider your suggestions thanks

I won’t let my emotions dictate my life anymore and or others. I want to be my true self and be the best version of myself and content with my life. This will benefit the one I share my life with and it just a shame that while on this journey, and sculpting the new me… It has changed the dynamics within the relationship.
I know there are no easy answers or solutions… so that is why I’m letting go as I’m powerless right now.
Talking to others who have experienced or are experiencing what I’m going through is a great help.
So thank you and I appreciate what you have shared to support me… you don’t know about me as you shared but you know my feelings to a T. Today I’m managing well… but as you know it is not always roses.
Sorry for your loss Corin and stay strong in your recovery also… thats what will keeps us accountable :+1:t4:

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