Hating myself. I feel like a complete faliure

Almost made it to ten days. I was so close and so hopeful. Had a huge fight with my boyfriend. Left and went straight to the liquor store. Went to my dealer because i owed him money from a long time ago. He handed me a bag of coke. I told him i didnt even want it, i just wanted to pay him back. But of course the bag was already in my hand and i couldnt stop myself. And probably the worst part is after getting drunk and high I smoked crack for the first time. Who in the hell does that? What is wrong with me? I just want to be a normal sober person so badly. How could i do this?! I was finally getting on track and now i have to start all over again. I failed myself and all the people around me. My anxiety is through the roof and i cant take this anymore. Please help me.

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@Rach2. First thing, you love yourself you’ve proven that for ten days straight and you will again and again and again. Loving yourself is by showing it continue to do so we fail to succeed and we make the chocie of having a better life that comes with soberity. The hate we feel, the shame it goes away, today by being sober. Never give up this fight it’s the one that is more worth doing than anything you could ever commit to. I know the self pity the confusion that comes with using and why you we keep doing it. Addiction is a change of mind a change of who we where and want we want to be. Seek the help that is available to you find the support you need this is not an “I” program it’s a “we” program we draw strength from one another and the people here Will always be here for you but I do think finding even more support out of here Will go along way. I believe in you, now believe in yourself and everything will get easier and when doesn’t seem like it keep saying it over and over it “will get better” keep your head up this isn’t over not if you don’t want it to be.

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K, do this real quick a few times. Breath and count down from 10 very slowly. I’ll wait…

Better?? :blush: Now, you had 10 days pal! That’s a really huge accomplishment. You still own the knowledge and expirience you gained in those 10 days. Does the fact that you relapsed mean that you were any less courageous those 10 days? Does it change the way you felt for those 10 days? No I changes none of the things you felt or did those days

Don’t let this slip define you. Reset and learn what Not to do next time. Like never Drink AT Someone. You got mad at your BF and you addict brain took over. After the first drink that addict brain was in full force and it told you that it would somehow be a good idea to go pay off an old debt to a drug dealer.

What could you have done different? What can you do different next time? Fights are gonna happen. You can’t really change that. It’s after the fight that you can do something about. If you defended against that first drink, the other things would not have happened. You would not have done blow and crack. You would not be feeling all these negative emotions now either.

That’s why we say all you need to defend against is that first drink. Nothing happens without that first drink. Everything cascades from it. So Defense against that first drink is all that matters.

You asked for help. I hope something I said did that. You are stronger than you know pal. You can absolutly come back from this. Just keep coming back :blush:

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I thank both of you for all the wonderful words and motivation. I really really need it right now. Its just so hard. The guilt i feel is unbearable. Resetting my clock was so devastating. I never want to do that again. Any tips or advice for getting myself back on track or forgiving myself for the relapse? I truley just want to cry and lock myself in my house.

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Thank you so much! I just need to get past this guilt

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Guilt is the worst. I hate feeling guilty for my mistakes. But then again if you aren’t sorry for your mistakes then you’ll never learn. It isn’t easy but you have to let it go. Focus on those 10 good days. 1 day does not erase them; your success doesn’t go away just because it wasn’t consecutive. Keep on doing the best you can one day/one hour/one minute at a time.

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You did 10 days sober which is beyond amazing!! Don’t let this set back define you, you’re stronger than you know!! Get back up, dust yourself off and start again - YOU CAN DO THIS!!! :smile:

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First you made it 10 days, you made an effort, next time try for longer. Second thing you will never be a normal sober person, this will always haunt you and you will always have to be in top of your game and focused on what kind of life you want for yourself. Third everyone has setbacks in all sorts of ways. Don’t beat yourself up for it that only makes things worse. Learn from it and move on. Start fresh, know your triggers and avoid them. Don’t let someone have control over your thought and emotions that you cannot stop yourself from drinking or doing drugs. You are in control of your life don’t let someone else have that power to upset you in a way that you do things you know you don’t ultimately want to do. You are in a good place in there app. It has helped me soo much already and I’m on day 12. It’s hard, but I’m told it will get easier.

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You bawlt yourself and now start again! You know now you can do it! Be kind to yourself. :muscle::v:

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Sounds like your going back and forth with your addictions. On one hand you want to quit and on the other hand you want to numb. The first step to realizing and stopping any addiction is to understand the root cause of the trigger and deal with that. Deal with different ways of coping. Best of luck.

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Thank you all for all the kind words and support. I consider you all friends and you all are helping me in ways you will never understand. I cant thank you all enough. Im still going through withdrawal and its hard, but i think i might go to a meeting tonight.

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Remember this is all (recovery) for you and no one else. And YOU deserve to have and be the best you. I know you can do it and own it. Stay close. Be strong.

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On the upside to all relapses is the strength we gain each and every time, making sobriety that much easier our next go 'round.

You need to understand that as addicts relapses are possible but don’t have to be. And if and when they do happen we must look at every positive angle we can to steer clear of the negativity. Look!! Your reaching out for help again which is a positive step back into recovery. You can do this. No matter what it takes. Don’t beat yourself up because you had a relapse. We all experience those damn things but it’s the strength of overcoming them as you’re already beginning to do now that should make them less and less frequent. :+1::+1:

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Thank you. I think resetting the clock was the worst of it all. Just seeing all that progress slip away. Im starting to go to meetings and try my absolute hardest to stay away from drugs and alcohol! Thank you for the support!

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For me, there’s no way of sugar coating it - you massively over-reacted to an argument with your boyfriend, had to reset after your hard-earned 10 days and now massively regret it.
The positive to take from this is identifying your reaction to something relatively mundane and working on staying calm and rational in ‘heightened’ situations.
I know - easier said than done, but it’s going to be your achilles heel if you don’t address it - you can fix this!

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