Going crazy with my guilt and shame for the past five years, all the lies I tell design on me like 100 pound sack. 40k in debt. Barely have my job. And my husband doesn’t know what’s going on with me, at all. I hide behind an excruciating mask of “fine” and fake it til I am alone. Then I fall to my knees.
I want to be free. Sadly at 46 and having dealt with addiction AND sobriety my entire life, I am becoming convinced neither is an option. I have had long periods of sobriety, and long periods of using. I keep trying them, over and over, and I get the same results each time. And I’m always surprised.
Isn’t that the definition of insanity? So when I hear “this time it will be different for you, you’ll stay clean”…I have to laugh.
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Boredom and living by myself were factors in my drinking…and once alcohol has you it’s difficult to control. One point I would make though…if you’re here you’re at least making steps. So many people bury their head in the sand. Not easy but possible. Hang in there. If alcohol was so great this app and thread wouldn’t exist
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I use because when I dont, I am never happy. I never have experienced a happy life. And I’m bored a lot.
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I’m glad you found this app. If it wasn’t for this app I would’nve found the encouragement to stop drinking. I suggest reading other people’s stories and advice.
I will say though I totally understand the boredom factor. I have always felt like I needed to be doing something…that’s why my name on here is restless soul lol
I suggest you make yourself a list.List the things you enjoy doing that you don’t really get to enjoy when you drink. For example this is mine
-writing poetry
-excercising
-going to the beach
-riding my bike
-trying new places
-Watching movies/shows
- browsing antique shops
I’ve done all of these things drunk, and while I thought they’d be more fun that way, turns out they are not. I really felt like I could turn a boring day into an awesome day just by drinking.That was a lie, it would quickly turn into a crazy and dangerous day, filled with regret the next day.
Instead make a list like I did, and do something off it each day.If you run out of things to do make another one, if you can’t think of anything…well thankfully there is pinterest.
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Also I just wanna say don’t feel defeated. It’s okay to keep trying.Infact you are incredibly strong for it. To suffer from this type of insanity builds strength that others will never have.On top of everyday life like work, family, friends ect we are fighting an internal battle and have to choose to over come it everyday.
My advice, pick yourself up and try again.
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When I opened up the app just then the quote was something like change can happen if you believe the future can be different, and that you have the power to make it so. I’m getting that wrong, but hopefully it makes sense.
I worry that you say you’ve never been happy. Maybe it’s just harder to recognise happiness when it’s not the extreme of a drunken high. You’re married, you must have found happiness in your relationship at some point. And boredom-i think that’s a good thing, if you can find something you want to do you’ll have the energy to do it.
When I’m dealing with crappy thoughts I’ve been trying to visualise the thoughts on a chart, like below zero kind of thoughts, and when I’m happy, even if it just goes over the line to a one it’s still positive.
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if abused alcohol consumes your whole thought pattern, how much is in the fridge, excuses to drink, how to hide your intake etc. I find now that I am trying to stop there is some boredom as you have no interest besides booze. It is difficult to fill the void left by boozing. The positive is you wake up feeling better albeit very early as insomia also may creep in, luckily in Durban it gets light at 04.30 so a cup of coffee and a walk to start the loo ongoing day.
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