I’m not even too sure where to start but I’m just not feeling myself lately and I feel like something has to give and I don’t want to turn to alcohol. I drank on an almost daily basis for 12 years. I had a complete nervous breakdown last July. When I chose sobriety I walked away from my partner of 12 years, all of my friends, my job and the city I lived in. I have now moved to a new province and thought I was doing ok. I have had 2 slips and drank in the past year. Both times was only a one night thing but it was the same reason I turned to the beer. I get feeling very insecure, unwanted and unloved and turn to the beer to numb my pain. I know it only temporarily numbs the pain and in the end it’s not worth it but I still have the urge to drink to numb my feelings. I tried AA meetings but really struggled with having to hear "sad"stories all of the time and wasn’t able to bring myself to continue. I have also tried one on one counselling sessions but I seem to get this holier than though feeling like I’m too good to need them. I have not worked since July of last year and I know I wasn’t ready to return to any kind of work due to my anxiety and antisocial attitudes. I am now ready to return to some form of work and have been having an extremely difficult time even finding jobs to apply for. I really believe that returning to the working world would be of benefit to me but it can’t be the only answer. I feel like I’m in a fog lately and just can’t seem to bring myself out of the slump. I have supportive friends but tend to isolate from them when I’m feeling this low. I know I need to do something different to get myself out of this funk but I’m not too sure where to start. I used to find that typing out my feelings on a daily basis helped as I released everything but now I sit and over analyze everything and can’t seem to get out of my head. Any suggestions would be appreciated.
That sounds like a lot of change, I can imagine it does get tough from time to time. Is there anything you can do to get a feeling of accomplishment like a project or any education type goals? I know I get kind of low sometimes, but many times if I do something where I feep accomplished it helps! I have to feel productive to be happy, like I am working towards something. There may also be volunteer options of some sort worth looking into if you like that sort of thing. Do you have any family or friends out of town you could visit maybe to get a change of scenery or recharge? A little change of pace can help snap out of a slump too. Just do everything you can to stay away from a relapse! I am sure you can do it!
Volunteer work like last post sounds like a good alternative.
Also if writing helped, maybe crank it up a notch and continue to do it, even if you start over analyzing (write about that). It may turn out as an interesting essay o story or novel… the sky is the limit. Write about all the things you wrote about in the post (about counseling, the story with your S.O., etc).
Good luck!!
I too need to feel productive to be happy or feel like I’m helping others. It seems as this time that it doesn’t matter what I accomplish it’s just not enough. Due to being in a small town & the whole Covid crap it’s hard to engage in any type of volunteer work at this time as most places are closed or running at a minimum right now. During my early stages of recovery I slept a lot re-energizing myself and I really enjoyed it. Lately I can’t even seem to enjoy an hour nap. It’s like my mind runs constantly. I’m trying to get myself back into the routine of getting up & dressing up whether I have some place to go or something to do is irrelevant. I’m hoping this is a phase I’m going through. I was feeling soooooooooo good prior to the middle of June, when I relapsed, and I’m not too sure what changed. It’s like a lil switch went off in my head and I’m having trouble finding satisfaction and happiness.
I recommend this book to understand further what you are going through and how / when it will be right for you to take action:
It’s funny at first I thought I was only hearing sad stories in a.a at first too. But now I Everytime I go, I hear about the same shit I’m feeling, I hear how to get through these hard times. And I hear how those sad stories turned into successful stories I’m grateful literally I think almost every single person in my a.a meetings has 20 plus years, a couple ten year ppl. All I know is Idc how much I don’t like a.a bc I’ll be honest I kind of don’t… But one thing I know is all of them have something I didn’t have when I first joined and that was confindence, they were joyous and they were free.
I just ordered a book on self-love but will definitely check this one out. I love to read
Are you currently able to physically attend meetings or are they online? Maybe I should look into some online meetings.
I am fortunate to be able to attend physical meetings
It might not offer much consolation my friend but I went to my first AA meeting aged 22yrs over the next 30yrs I drank myself in and out of AA; I’ve been a chronic relapser you might say. It doesn’t require much imagination when you’re an alcoholic of my type to know it’s not been pleasant. It’s led me to prison, a psychiatric ward, a suicide attempt and so very much more - all of it more pain piled on top of more pain. I’m 53 on Saturday and I’m currently 4 days clean and sober, again, I’m clinging on desperately and all I can say is hang-on in there my friend because I’ve never found the answer to my woes and relationship issues in a drink. God bless you my friend and stay safe.
I went to AA because i was beat and was will to do anything to get sober i had desire and made a effort and it worked for me not everyone gets it first time but keep trying and you might get to like meetings , sad or funny stories if you want it then nothing should deter you wish you well
If you have issues resting, I use melatonin sometimes to help with that.
When I checked myself into rehab, the intake specialist told me that putting me in the addiction wing wasn’t going to help me until I got my depression under control first with TX and meds. They put me in the wing for people with emotional issues first. Then we addressed the alcohol issue once I got my brain chemicals under control. Have you talked to anyone about the possibility of this being an issue? A primary care physician might be a good start if you haven’t already. Hugs 
Are you in US?
I was previously on medication for both anxiety and depression. Without daily alcohol use I haven’t required the medication and was able to completely withdraw without complications. Perhaps I should book an appointment of sorts.
If I were feeling the way you explained it, I would definitely book an appointment.
I’m in AA and am considered a “high bottom”. I didn’t get a DUI, lose my job, lose my relationship, lose my house, or have any physical withdrawals.
Yet.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and hearing the low-bottom stories of others in the program help remind me of where I could end up if I continue on that path. I’m also inspired by hearing these sad stories from people who have years of sobriety under their belt and how now bright shining lights of human beings. Even if their story doesn’t parallel mine, I am usually able to get something out of their shares or identity in some way. For example, you mention turning to alcohol because you feel unloved, unwanted, insecure, unproductive. It was the same for me. The details of our stories are all different, but the causes of why we got to become alcoholics are often very similar.
Did you work the program or did you just sit in on meetings and listen? Get a sponsor, work the steps, read the Big Book? If not, I recommend giving that a try. It’s a completely different thing when you start applying the actions of sobriety instead of just trying to white-knuckle it.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling like this. I would definitely agree with @Ravikamor on this one. Get yourself booked into the doctors and have a chat with them. It sounds like there might be some depression going on. Please try and be kind to yourself… I’m sending hugs and strength 
