Having a tough time

I’ve been really tearful and down over the last few days. I’ve been irritable and moody with my partner and no fun to be around really. I just want to shut myself away and cry and sleep and I just feel pathetic atm. The things that normally help improve my mood are just not working.
It was my belly button birthday yesterday and I turned 26 but it’s been pretty depressing. I didn’t feel the urge to drink but feel down that I have so few people to share it with… I got to see my mum for an hour or so which was the highlight of the day. I think it was just a reminder of the fake relationships and the substances that I have put ahead of genuine connections with family and friends. It just felt very lonely. I’ve always been a binge drinker and had problems with alcohol but this time last year was the start of my daily and heavy drinking and the start of my criminal convictions. One of my rabbits died… (I had 3 housebunnies). I went straight for a drink after I’d left the vets (still raging because the vet was moving my dying pets body on the table telling me that she was dying right there! bloody idiot, put her out of her pain- that’s why I brought her here!) and didn’t stop for months. Intermittently managing a day or two off when I was so ashamed from an experience with the crisis team or A&E or the police… eventually they stopped trying to help me because of my mental health issues and I started getting held in the cells and then came the court dates and eurgh. After so much chaos later and I ended up having a miscarriage from somebody I slept with while under the influence. I didn’t even know what had happened, I was blacked out on drink and drugs and came home without all my clothes- confused as hell. It wasn’t until weeks later and a missed period that I took a pregnancy test and was absolutely terrified. I ended up having my first miscarriage but the due date was yesterday. I know it obviously wasn’t an ideal situation but I was going to make the absolute best I could of it and had become my biggest motivation for staying sober. I think I’m just emotional at the moment reflecting on so much that has happened over the last year and how I haven’t spoken to anybody about it. A lot of it I’m hiding even from myself and it’s just coming back in waves.
thank you for reading, I think mostly I just needed to get some of this out. I don’t like sharing the depressing stuff at meetings especially because some of it is so personal so thank you for this outlet.
I’m really hoping some of this is hormonal and that I’m just processing things that I haven’t deal with and that it will pass with time and reflection. Thanks again. If you have any advice or similar experiences I would love to hear from you… I want to pull myself out of this self-pity…

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Congratulations on a year of sobriety!! That’s huge. I’m not going to say I know how you feel because literally I can’t. But the one thing I see is you are still carrying all of the baggage. You have to forgive yourself and become the person who you want to be from this time forward. I think you need to visit the steps again and be honest within in yourself. It’s hard to carry that load around all the time and the truth is you don’t have to. Just take the time you need to get right with yourself, if that means a bit of alone time take it. If it becomes a problem then you should address it. Two more thoughts for you. Have you talked to a doctor about possiblities of depression? And I heard meetings but do you have a sponsor, are you comfortable with them? I’m only at 8 months and I actually am finding this new me to be great. I don’t think it’s all going to be rainbows and butterflies but I sure don’t think that the feelings you are experiencing are healthy to stay there. I hope you can find your way through this. Best wishes

You’ve had such a hard time and it’s testament to your strength that you are here and sober. It’s my birthday today and my first sober one in 3 years. I’m 26 days sober today. It can be a lonely time so do something nice for yourself (or someone else) and feel good about how far you’ve come and what you’ve achieved. Stay strong. :muscle:

Forgive me I love motivation videos. I probably watch and post them to much. A picture is worth a 1,000 words, but a video is worth a million words.



There is hope! And it will get better… I know when i got sober i lost a lot of people in my life. But really, they were just using/drinking] buddies, not friends. I do have a select few friends i talk to but everybody else, their just acquaintances. I also think that it comes with getting older and more mature honestly. For me, in high school i talked to everyone and had so many friends. But im not in school anymore, 10 years out, and barely talk to anyone anymore. Maybe a brief conversation here and there on FB or something, but that’s it. So you’re not alone when it comes to having friends, because i literally have like 2 close people i talk to. So glad im not the only one…
Also, i know when i come up on an anniversary of an event, like when my best friend died, i know its really hard on me. And the depression sets in, also something i suffer from. Not saying you have depression, but its something you may want to look into. I also have anxiety, so when i feel emotions, i feel them to the extreme. No matter what the emotion is it seems… if im sad, im very sad. If im happy, im very happy. Just how it happens for me.
I read that you go to meetings, i found 1 person i could talk to amd went from there… it really helped me by talking to someone! I mean it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders! Maybe even get a sponsor if you dont already have one. If you do, sounds like you need to speak to her more or get a new one. Also the Steps help me tremendously! I cant even begin to tell you how much they help me with everyday life. Im on Step 4 now and im cleaning house let me tell you. Im getting all that shit out lol. It’s not helping me by keeping everything bottled up! Its driving me crazy. So i got to do something different! When the pain gets great enough, well change…

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That video is amazing. Omg thats huge!!! That is so amazing. Thats exactly what i do everyday!! That made my hair stand up. Opened my eyes so much

You have been through a lot,and that’s putting it lightly. I give you a lot of credit for being here, you easily could choose differently. You seem to realize where that would lead to. Hope you will hang here and continue working on these issues. These things are the past,you can’t change them,but you can repair a lot of the damage caused. Also you have these life experiences to help guide you forward. This is your life, live it for you.

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