I don’t know what to do. I know I want to stay clean but the compulsion takes over. My dealer was out for 3 weeks which was the best 3 weeks in a while. I just can’t make the better choice when he is holding. I have his number memorized so I can’t just delete it. I know that I am much happier without that shit. I know I need to reach out to someone when I feel weak but I don’t. Once the contact with the dealer is made the race is on. No turning back. Those people in my life life including a loving family have no idea because I’m a binge not a daily user but I’m constantly lying and living double life. I’m not stupid and know what I need to do to stop it completely but I think I don’t want to even though i use alone and it’s no longer a party. I’m almost 50 and don’t want to be this way anymore. Tired of lies and missed commitments. I believe it’ll only take tragedy to make me break the habit but I have a good job and very very blessed and can’t let myself lose all. Anyone get it and can share wisdom? Sometimes I think I don’t want to die but then I think maybe I really don’t mind letting go. To stop the cycle.
Try taking it all one day at a time instead of thinking about stopping forever
Yes I try that but I think I’m lying to myself that if I’m not using every day I have control. Such BS@
Yes, it’s what I finally understand. I live alone and working from home now, too. Very lonely existence. I have depression too. I swear if it weren’t for my cat I’d leave this world gladly. Just being brutally honest.
Granted I’ve been using all night and am not in proper mind…
I like cocaine. I only drink alcohol if I take coke. I just fell on my face and hit pretty hard. I may call 911 and go to psych ward for a few days cuz I am a little worried about making a poor decision. Already been to rehab this time just suicide help
But worry about job
Please call for someone to help you…
True . And they don’t get info about the details.
However, once I sober up my disposition changes significantly. In other words tomorrow is another day
I’m scared to go.through it again and leave my cat alone
Hi there, wow I feel like we’re living the exact same life…my problem is cocaine as well and Im also not a daily user but I 100% know what you mean about the little contact with the dealer then our brain thinks we must get it and get it NOW…I also will get to the point where I debate checking in to the hospital (definitely on the comedown)…how are you currently doing?
I’m better today. I put rest of wine down drain but finish last tiny bit of blow though it wasn’t enough to feel any different. That could’ve gone down drain too.
I’m so angry, hating my job, no patience and still want to check into mental ward. I’m always very lonely too.
It wouldn’t allow me to send this last week.