This is my 3rd time downloading this app. No it’s not my 3rd relapse more like my millionth. Here’s a recap:
Been drinking since i was 15 now I’m 28 soon to be 29 in a few days. Similar to many stories I too have lost so much because of my drinking. The number of jobs that I’ve lost because of being drunk at work are too many I have lost count. I couldn’t keep a relationship going after 5 years. And at this point my family has lost all hope for me. I have 2 babies now (one is 2 and the other is 10 months old). This last binge that I had ( 2/15-2/18) I dropped my baby or so I think( I was blacked out when this happened) and got into a fight with my whole family about it. MY BABY. The one I’m supposed to be loving and taking care of.
I am still with guilt about this whole situation. My partner and I are still together but only by a thread. I told a bullshit story to my managers so I wouldn’t get fired because obviously I called off that whole week. Thankfully I still have a job. Right now I don’t have a car (car problems) so I’m on the bus which in a way is making it that much more difficult to quit because I’m not driving so Its easy for my mind to give me so many temptations. But after 2/18 i havnt had a drink. But a Part of me feels like I will drink again I just gotta wait till this guilt and shame Go and hide. But my higher better version KNOWS and really really REALLY want this shackles off. I got in contact with a therapist. I’m willing to pay whatever I have to pay at this point… I just need help… I DON’T WANT THIS. I HATE THIS. Anyways here I go again this sober path that I’ve only been dreaming of. This time I will give it my all.
I just want to say I’m so proud of you for coming back and not giving up! This addiction will take everything from us. Our friends, our relationships, our family, our jobs and even our lives. This is truly life or death stuff.
For me what truly took off my shackles of guilt shame and remorse is going to AA and doing the steps with my sponsor. It has COMPLETELY changed my life and today I have a life second to none. I had no idea how good it could get and it’s really only just begun. I promise it can get better! I’m glad you’ve got a therapist, that helped me too. But not nearly as much as working my program did. For me, I had to hit a new bottom to surrender and find willingness to do what’s worked for others who have decades of sobriety. To get my ego out of the way and say OK, I’ll work with someone and REALLY do this. I used to think it wasn’t for me-I didn’t get it with my twisted alcoholic mind. But man, when I became willing finally it changed my entire life and today I’m a grateful recovering alcoholic. One day at a time, the gifts just keep on coming. 
Stay with it, your best life is waiting for you!
Welcome back! 
It’s good to see you again 
You have an eager enthusiasm that’s infectious! You’re scrappy and you don’t give up, and you’re not afraid to ask for help and give it your all. These qualities are why you will succeed, not just in sobriety but in your life and your family.
First up: you’re a good person and you are not a failure. You are learning.
You have decided you don’t ever want to drink again. You have decided this because the side of you that goes for drinking, is the side that wants to go and hide, run from life and be numb. It’s is not helpful and it has had years to show anything good - and it hasn’t shown anything good, so we’re shutting it down.
Every single one of us here has been there. When we’re in addiction we are not the person we want to be and we are not the person we should (and can) be - and we feel ashamed.
Eventually all of us decide we’re done living this double life and we ask for help. That’s where the journey starts. We get humble and we realize we’re gonna have to do some new things. Things that we think are intimidating because “what if I can’t do it? What if I fail?” We feel doubt.
That is our addict voice. All of us have it. It keeps us beaten down. It fills us with self-doubt, self-pity, and says “go ahead and use / drink / etc - it’ll feel better - it doesn’t matter anyway”. It is a liar. But because it is familiar to us, weirdly, we let it hang around. (Until we tell it we’re done, which is the start of our sober path.)
You’re a good person and a good mom and you will find your way by asking for help, staying humble and open minded, and working it one day at a time.
Therapy is a good idea. That will help you unpack some of your core beliefs, which are part of it. A sober group like www.AA.org or www.SMARTRecovery.org or www.WomenForSobriety.org will help too. Learning to live healthy and grounded and present in life (which is what life is really about, and that is sober) is a learning process. All this stuff humans do like “riding the waves of life” and handling day to day ups and downs without numbing/drinking, all this stuff is stuff we’ve never learned, or we ignored in our addictions. We need to learn how to play the game. And we can learn to play the game by joining one of these groups. We learn the rules and we learn how to support each other to succeed.
You’re a good person and you deserve a safe, sober life where you can be your full self. Take care and keep checking in here - we’re with you!
I’m glad you’re back here. You know the first few days/weeks are THE hardest to push past. You can do it because no one here that has pushed past it is any different than you.
Just for today, get your head on your pillow sober.
This helps me with my recovery too. I also find this list that Sassy made helpful - it’s got her benefits of sobriety (scroll down a bit for the list):
(Also - good to see you again LMC )
Thank you @MandiH!! Thank you for replying! Any advice is much appreciated. I will look up an AA near me.
@Matt !! Hi man!!! OK FIRST OFF let me start by saying How thankful I am that you always reply to me with your full heart. Thank you for giving me all this links and for always saying things I havnt heard in a while. I look forward to talking to you and the rest of this community.
Yes girl!! That’s exactly what I need to do. PLAN AHEAD But KEEP IT ONE DAY AT A TIME. Thank you for replying!!! Looking forward to be on her daily
Thank you for replying and for your words of encouragement!!
You had a really interesting thread when you first started & it had good questions and good insight from you & other people too. How are things going about this?
Important question: are you asking for help? Not just from your partner (which is a given - any committed relationship requires communication & emotional and physical mutual support), but also from a wider community of support? Who’s on your team?
To be honest I don’t think I’ve been so insistent on getting help from others. like AT ALL actually. I got pregnant again and was breastfeeding for 6 months so I basically HAD to be sober so I just didn’t pursue getting help from anybody. Except my journals.
That’s understandable. I think for a lot of women here they’ve been through a similar experience when pregnant and breastfeeding - threads and posts about that come up regularly. The pattern for a lot of them is that the fundamental issue - the addiction & the “addict voice” - is still there after the breastfeeding is done. You have to get control of it to stop it getting control of you.
Actually this is probably a good thing then: you know what you need to learn, the “stretch” into a new zone for you. This show is called “How to ask for help: The story of a Gonzo Gal” 
Asking for help is part of being vulnerable, which is hard for us addicts in recovery. We aren’t familiar with that feeling - we’ve spent so many years running from healthy vulnerability: we don’t ask for help, we don’t practice empathy much with ourselves or others, we don’t practice those deep, healthy vulnerability in friendships and relationships. It’s a skill we need to learn to live our lives
Why don’t you set a goal to ask for help? Think of some things you need help with. Ask for it, and see what happens. You don’t know what will happen but you are sure to learn something 
Best of luck to u if u loose so.much I hope u can stop u are worth it u know 
Hahaha that first part was funny.
But yeah your right I am going to take your advice and make a list tonight. Thanks man
Thank you !!!
You know what you want, now to put a plan in place to stay sober. I’m 46 days this time and working hard on a plan to stay AF from here on out. Stay strong
That’s my recovery song 
but I’ve made up my mind, I ain’t wasting no more time.
Haha I love that!!