Here I go again... Why do I keep doing this to myself?

[Polkadot]

Day 16… Longest sober stretch in years, more consecutive sober days in a month than all of 2016 combined.

I don’t even know why the hell I did it? I think from day one of the last stretch, I still wasn’t REALLY ready for full abstinence and thought if I go about a month, I will try just one to test myself to see if I can do it and perhaps have one ‘once in a blue moon’… (Alone and secretly… still very flawed drinking behavior in itself but how I prefer to drink).

I guess I was really looking forward to that ‘just one drink’ I planned to ‘reward’ myself with and for no real good reason suddenly decided that I was having it right there and then and no amount of common sense or will power was stopping me from the moment I decided it was to happen, where I’d been doing so well to ignore cravings before.

Id been to visit a drug and alcohol support worker, it went really well. Unfortunately it was located across the road from a pub.

As soon as I saw the pub, I knew I was weakening. I had to leave in a rush in the morning and hadnt taken my campral and zoloft… and usually carry some in my handbag but didn’t have any on me. The difference in my will power without campral in my system was incredible… usually when id get close to relapse, id be able to talk myself out of it fairly quickly… but there was no stopping once the idea was in my head yesterday.

As soon as I left, my appointment where id been praised for “how well Id been doing”,
I went straight to a bottle shop and decided that I was having my ‘just one’ right away…

But as soon as I went to the bottleshop, I bought 2 cans of woodstock 10% strait away… Long story short, my just one test turned into 6 cans…

I’ve woken up after 2 hours passed out, throbbing head, dry throat and feeling a level of depression that I haven’t felt in months. Full of regret and shame… I posted some really immature and lame shit on social media to ex collegues. I feel like a weak moron.

I’m meant to go to a job interview in the morning, for a job I don’t particularly want. Im already dreading it, I just want to curl up in bed all day and ride out the hangover and depression. It’s pouring rain and a huge thunder storm right now at 3 am.

I would have to go on 2 buses to get there, it’s not really even that suitable a role for me in context of hours and location and someone I went to uni with works there too, (can’t decide if that’s a good thing or bad). I just want to lay on the couch under a blanket, watching movies, eating junk food instead. Then I feel lazy and guilty for not wanting to go to a job interview… for a job I dont really even want.

I think I know now, once and for all that there is no “just one… here and there” for me. I don’t even want to. I think I’m finally ready this time to accept than I just cannot drink at all. Ever.

[Polkadot]

I slept in until the time I was meant to be gone. threw on the first suitable dress I could find in a rush and missed the bus because it left over 3 minutes early.

I looked a wreck with smears of yesterdays mascara and bags under my eyes and frizzy hair. I would’ve been really late to the interview if I had have waited for the next busses, so I spent $18 I shouldn’t really on a cab… (and yet didn’t bat an eyelid at spending $35 on alcohol and wasting $17 on gambling yesterday. My priorities about money are still screwed.)

I managed to get to the interview 20 minutes early and gave the best interview of my life. Funny how the anxiety dissapears the moment you don’t care if you get the position or not…

I’m proud of myself for dragging my arse out of bed and keeping my commitment to the job interview. The old me would have cancelled it and rolled back over and slept till noon, then wallowed in self pity and self loathing most of the day sitting on my arse watching tv… This shame cycle would have led to me saying fu.ck it… Ive relapsed and feel sorry for myself and justify drinking again today, because I obviously cant stop.

After every relapse I feel stronger and more aware if my addiction, it’s triggers and become determined to beat my sober stretch record.

So I’ve answered my question about the “just one test”. It doesn’t work for me and drinking secretly and alone is very unhealthy drinking behavior.

I’m not looking forward to having another reset, or rewarding myself with sobriety by drinking like I was last time. I actually realise how ludacris that line of thinking was now.

I think I actually am ready now to accept and face abstinence.

[Melrm]

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking."
All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still less control,"
All these, and many others, have one symptom in common: they cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving. This phenomenon, as we have suggested, may be the manifestation of an allergy which differentiates these people, and sets them apart as a distinct entity. It has never been, by any treatment with which we are familiar, permanently eradicated. The only relief we have to suggest is entire abstinence."
The idea that somehow, someday he (or she) will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

(Taken from AA big book pg 30 and 31)

[Polkadot]

I just got caught for Thursdays relapse by the only good friend I have. I left the drink bottle i used to hide my drinks at her place and when she washed it out she smelled it.

Got the tough love I suppose I deserve, but I can tell she’s pissed off with me now… I am having the worst depression symptoms today. The regret and shame was already eating at me and my positivty and strength to overcome it is disintegrating…

I’m still beating myself up and feeling like I don’t think I can do this. I cant even get to one month.

[alpine_1975]

Getting to one month and beyond is tough… trust me, I know.

[Melrm]

@Polkadot yes you can do this. Look at all the people on here doing it one day at a time. You can too. Hand it over to God (or whatever you believe that’s more powerful than you) You don’t need to beat yourself up anymore. As humans, we like to complicate things when we rely on self-will. You don’t have to do this alone. Keep coming on here and be open-minded to going to AA meeting to be around others that understand. Give yourself a chance and tell yourself over and over “I can do this” There’s beauty on the other side of this.

[ablane890]

@Polkadot Also never give up. I remember many times I would drink after I was doing well and just try again next time to push myself to go a bit farther. It really is helpful to have a reason why that you can use that will pull you rather than you pushing youself against a decision you Subconcisely havnt fully accepted. My pull was all the health benefits, saving money, and there are so many more. Once you decide to let the positives of not drinking help you make the decision it doesn’t have the same hold on you somehow.

[Polkadot]

I’m feeling a million times better today. I’m on my way to my first AA meeting right now.
I’m very nervous because I suffer from BAD social anxiety, always concerned about people not accepting me.

Really thinking about it, I think my social anxiety is a part of my drinking problem. It gave me the “courage” to go from awkward social weirdo to the carefree party girl. The truth is if I look at it, drinking too much at parties etc. just made me a joke. “look at that girl, she’s shit faced, vomiting in the bushes and passing out before we’ve even cut the cake”.

Family weddings were the worst. A tab at the bar - free booze is a uptopia for an alcoholic.

I have the most important reason in the world to stop drinking. Regaining custody of my 3 year.old daughter. The most purely, beautiful person in my universe. And I’ve failed her, time and time again.
That’s what shames me the most about my relapses, she should be more than enough to make me stop. Yet I’m such a mess.

I am feeling a brain shift today. I know the utter dispair I felt was on an absolute chemical level, caused by alcohol rather than personal shame and thoughts. I literally woke up this morning from an alcoholic free day, with a completely different feeling.

[Melrm]

[TrudyS]

Omg I think we maybe twins… sounds very similar to me. I want ro give up completely and when I feel guilty about drinking I wont drink. This only last for a few days then I feel good and buy wine

[Roughmiles]

I could’ve sworn you were reading my mind when you wrote this post. I have experienced this same scenario more times than I care to admit. I tried to regulate my drinking and bring able to throttle back my consumption. It’s not possible. That one drink just lights a fuse and the outcome is never good. I also have taken to social media when I’m hammered and pretty much lost all friendships I ever had. I’ve been sober for 12 days now. I finally stopped rationalizing and fooling myself to believe I’m a responsible drinker. I’m not wired that way. I had to make peace with that before I could be sober . It’s a work in progress, but it is possible. Please don’t ever give up on yourself. You can do to his.