I took this picture and made it my ticker background. You can have it if you like.
Expectancy theory says that motivation is a product of three things: what reward you think you will get from completing a task, the value of that reward to you, and what you feel is the likelihood that you can accomplish that task.
If wellness and certainly sobriety are the tasks, then I am working on all three parts. What will I get if I achieve wellness and sobriety? Are those things worth it? Can I achieve it?
I believe I have just turned the corner on the second part. The “good things” that will come with wellness just have to be worth it. I have to contrast the “good things” that are admittedly vague in my mind right now with the damage that drinking has caused. I was inspired by @Leigh’s Crush Cravings topic (thanks Leigh) when I started thinking of all the negatives that came with my drinking. Even if I don’t get any new good things, avoiding disaster is worth it, without question.
As for the third part, achievability; this is where I feel tremendous doubt in myself. I know that it will be a struggle. I know that I can’t give up. But I also know how weak I can be. What in hindsight looks like an obvious jump off a cliff, in the moment is just me convincing myself that standing tall on the cliff doesn’t really matter so much. It’s a constant internal battle where I feel like I’m rewriting over my old thoughts and convictions.
I know that everything is more achievable for me if I have accountability. I need to hold myself accountable, and hopefully I can have other people hold me accountable as well, if only online. That is why I started this topic. I have resolved to write here periodically to hold myself accountable to you. I need this to make my decisions real and valuable.
I will be checking in and telling parts of my story for anyone who cares to have a glance.
I am very stressed. I’m anxious. I don’t sleep or eat well. I think these are all temporary because I have a lot going on; I have a lot to clean up.
I am taking two online college classes. I am attending as part of my job. I am getting paid to go to college but I’m still (at the moment) not making it work. I’m a full week behind in everything and I completely let down my team on a group project. Between drinking all day every day last week and the building anxiety of falling further and further behind and not forcing myself to get to work, I’ve made a feedback loop that won’t end well.
I have to move as soon as possible. I am in the process of buying a motorhome, and my lender is taking a very long time to respond and it makes me nervous. I have to take a full day’s trip to pick it up, find an rv park to move to, and pack up what remains of the house I shared with my ex-wife. But first I need a moment to breathe. |R|
Wow you do have a lot on, but you can do it with a little time and more being less harsh on yourself! You say you were drinking all last week, there’s an anxiety attack in its self. Being sober will free more time for you to breakdown things into manageable chunks and feel less overwhelmed, which made myself feel anxious and unable to sleep. You are the priority here, so breath work on you and things will start to fall in place and the days will come where you’ve done it and you’ll be able too see all that you have achieved, look at it all with the one day at a time approach, a thing said a lot but it does work!
Thank you for the support @Sarah24 and @livep9. You are right Sarah; I have to take care of myself first.
What a difference a day makes! Yes I had a good day, especially considering everything. Last night around sunset I went for a long run for the first time in a very long time. When I’m running a lot goes through my mind. Sometimes quick thoughts and sometimes slow realizations. I felt these moments of temptation. I thought a lot about the nature of willpower.
Whenever I was drinking I had no willpower for anything. I wasted so much time and set myself back in my relationships, my health, the cleanliness of my house or even hygiene. If I have the willpower to stop drinking then I have the willpower to take a step forward in every category. And like you said @Sarah24, now I really do have the time to do it.
I woke up to my alarm, hydrated (I am trying a new electrolyte mix) and for a while I felt so content. I replied to emails, I sold one thing on Craigslist, and did some homework. Best of all I got to see my son for a little bit. He is two and a half and he’s way cooler than I ever was. His mother was picking up some things and went to the store and we got to hang out and play for a while.
Whenever he leaves though, no matter how much or little time we have had together, it is always triggering to me. I hate that feeling of being by myself again, putting toys away, washing a kid’s cup that is so infrequently used. Yeah some days that can be a real gut punch.
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At one point mid morning today I had been cleaning out my closet. I was finally gathering the pieces of old relationships and throwing them away, something I should have done a long time ago. I’m thinking about the pictures and letters even now. They’re out with the garbage on the curb. I can’t remember who said it but recently I heard something like, “If you come to a scene in a movie that you can’t stand, you don’t rewind and watch it over and over again. So why would you do it with your worst memories?” Even the good memories aren’t serving me, moving forward. Many were associated with alcohol, and these people are in new relationships now, and have been for a long time. Dwelling on this stuff today is not what will make me my future self.
I listened to a guided meditation today. One part in particular hit me hard. I’m walking on a beach by myself when suddenly there appears myself as I am a month from now. They come to me and give me firmest, most enthusiastically genuine hug and they say, “Thank you! Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. Thank you for believing in me.” The person I will be a month from now is proud of where I’m coming from and all that I’m going to accomplish.
If I was in your shoes I would go for a walk everyday and have a hug with myself. what you achieve Today will be exactly what you will achieve in a month, your sobriety is an immediate reward you don’t have to look back to see how well you’ve done, you’re doing right now. Well done my friend, well done for NOW.
Man, you are doing good continue with it you got this, I have been in your shoes and believe me it gets better with time. If you have a close friend, girlfriend, someone close to you talk to them about staying sober, what are your goals, how good it feels, and why are you doing it remember there comes a point in sobriety when you need that extra push. What I mean by that extra push is just positive thinking, feeling good about what you are accomplishing which is real big for you. I do it all the time and since I have been talking about it, I don’t know it feels good like a good feeling. It helps me a lot, some advice for you. Keep going man you doing it
I’ve three kids and when they visit their dads (lol) there is a void. But I I also think that now I’m sober the time there at home I’m sober and not hungover they see that, when I drank it filled that hole that was left but it left my eldest anxious to leave me, he’s left home for the army now but when he was younger that must of been hard to know the wreak he was coming home too, now he calls with pride for me as I feel for him! Plus you have the time to work on you and make your times special, which I’m sure you do! Plus with time I let my kids have longer with their dads, so when you have strength maybe your ex will let you have longer too. Remember you’ll always be a great daddy and always loved! But you have too love you too
I just wanted to jump on here and give a quick update. I’m still here, still in it to win it. I have been very busy catching up on school work (I was a whole week behind, and my maths professor is far from helpful about that). I have also been doing some administrative work and having to meet with and call people, which are my least favorite things. So it’s just me and my dog at home. I did wake up super early today and attend a 6am AA meeting online. It was alright. I really need to download the book. My mother is planning to come to town and visit my son. It makes me nervous that she won’t take all the right precautions for COVID while she’s traveling. I should trust her but I don’t know what I would do if he got sick.
To anyone who is reading this thank you for your support. I think about you guys every day and I want to make today a good story to tell. Stay strong my friends. |R|
It’s you from the future. Things will be difficult for a while. You will have some good times. The winning powerball numbers for December 23 will be 6 13 38 39 53 6.
When you feel really low, remember I’m here waiting for you. And once you get here (in one piece) we can go on together.
