Hitting rock bottom... To Recovery

Hey guys! I’m Courtney, alcoholic/addict. I just want to share a little more of my story with you. Wanting it to bring hope to someone, somewhere.
My life started out pretty good as far as I can remember. And then the sexual abuse started when I was 6. It was a family friend, a boy around my age so I thought it was normal. Boy was I wrong! The abuse lasted for 6 years, I was 12 when i put an end to it. I got up the courage to put a stop to it and I thought I was free after that. Well come to find out, I wasnt… I started drinking and drugging when the abuse stopped. So then I became a slave to the drugs and alcohol. First time I drank, I blacked out. Didnt think anything of it though. My response, I cant wait to do it again! So I drank and smoked weed from 12 to 14. At 14 that’s when all that, plus pills came into play. Then 15 and 16 is when the uppers and downers came in to the picture. I dont want to name the substances and possibly trigger someone. But Yes, I was very young, but it happens when it happens. When I would start getting really bad on one substance, I’d switch to another, then back and forth. I was what we call a substituter.
I was the biggest drug dealer in high school and I was getting weed by the pound by this point. The selling lasted until 18, because someone threatened to tell the cops on me, plus I could go to jail if I got caught with a pound on me… well the pills kept getting worse and weed and alcohol were always in the picture. I just wanted more… I wanted that escape. I wanted to just be gone… not dead, but just gone.
So I tried the college thing, wasnt really for me. So I decided to work full time. I got a job and was making okay money. But with doing everything I was doing, it took a lot of money to support my habits. So I decided that I was going to start selling pills to support it. Great idea right! Wrong! I was selling and using and hating life. I couldnt stop using when I wanted to. So it wasnt just a choice anymore. I had to! I couldnt afford to get sick! So after so long of this I got caught up, like most of us do. Someone told on me and the cops began to watch every move I made. Me, not knowing a damn thing… They had nothing on me, but they also had everything on me… so I get a call one night from a very good friend. He tells me hes been working under cover and gave them my name. He tells me the situation, that I need to go talk to the cops. Long story short, they wanted me to work for them under cover. I refused! My friend ended up working for them even longer, took my time for me, and off to rehab I went… Cops are dirty lol. They didnt want me, obviously, but boy was I scared!
So i went to Glenbeigh, Rock Creek, Ohio, 3 hours from my home town. Country ass town lol. One way there was a bar, the other way was the highway and those were miles and miles away. So there pretty much was no leaving… which is what I needed! So a 90 day stay and I ended up moving to Ashtabula, Ohio because I knew if I came home I’d use. So I just stayed there, got an apartment, and only knew recovering people. I did NA at the time, and it was raw there lol. I was enrolled in IOP (intensive outpatient program) after leaving rehab and hung around the rehab for hours at a time… I then met Nikki in IOP. We ended up relapsing together after a week or two of hanging out. So back to rehab I went and I’m not sure what she did… I ended up in and out of rehab 5 times and detox 4 times before I was sent home, back to West Virginia. Within a week of being home I took a bunch of benzos and opiates and drank and got a DUI. I ended up over dosing and being fucked up for 2 days. You cant do that if you try! So Yea, some welcoming home present that must of been for my parents. So they sent me to rehab a 6th time. I ended up leaving with someone and living with them in Grafton. Ohio. I was broke, no car, hadnt showered in 4 days, and the person I was staying with kicked me out… so I called my parents for a ride home the next day. My mom wired me $100 for a hotel room. I ended up buying an upper, alcohol, and ciggs, and stayed at a trap house that night. Yea, my parents were enablers and figured that out later on… So the next day they came to pick me up. I was sick the whole way home and got dropped off at the hospital when we arrived to West Virginia to detox. I walked in the hospital with 2 pipes and a bowl, and they didnt like that much. So I got out the hospital and started a new leave. I got on suboxone and I was clean for almost 6 months and started to drink alcohol again. Damn it, why did I do that. I was hanging out with the wrong people, that’s why! So i drank and drank, smoked weed off and on, and dabbled in a couple other things here and there, and still on the subs. That went on for 3 years! So my last drunk… I was hanging with some friends, my now wife came to pick me up so I wouldn’t drive home drunk. I ended up busting her windshield up with my fist on the ride home and choked her while she was driving. That was it for me… She told me to choose and for me, I was done. I had done something I said I’d never do and that was physically hurt her… I was tired! Tired of the same bullshit, hurting others and myself. I was so disappointed in myself! I was miserable! So I changed. I detoxed on my couch and that was ruff. I started going to AA and haven’t stopped going. I got a sponsor and started working the 12 steps. The 12 steps have changed my life! I’m a better person… I have 18 months sober and a new sponsee. I own a place and am making car payments on a 2016 jeep. I’m happily married and have a great relationship with my parents. After all those times in rehab, I did take away the tools to stay sober. I just wasnt ready to deal with me and what was inside my head and all this shit ive done and been through. Life is better today! Not perfect, but better. I have a full time job and 2 cats. Once I get my student loans paid off, I’m going to go back to school for social work. I’d love to become a drug counselor or help children… my wife and I are going to be having baby in the

10 Likes

Good for you and thank you for sharing your story. It actually helped me a lot. To know i’m not alone means so much. I kind of feel that feeling of “wanting to be gone”. I just hope I can be like you and crawl myself out of this hole I dug myself into.

Thanks for sharing. Sounds rough, but you came through it alive, and free. Good job climbing out of the hole.

Did you eventually kick the suboxone too? i was just curious. I can deff relate to the dealing side of the pills that just gets worse. I did good at first then it was like a landslide from there. Always a great idea to an addicted mind. I wouldnt dare tempt the thought now.

I take a small dose, but im coming off it next month…going to ween all the way off. It’s a taper drug and a process. It’s that time…

1 Like

Great! Im glad to hear it… its crazy how such a small piece can do so much. I know if your on it a while it is definately a long process. Im prayin for ya. You have done great so far! Keep it up! Many of experienced addicts here to help you along that way. Never be shy to ask anything.

2 Likes

Thanks @Donnie_Spiering

For some reason the term experienced addict made me laugh

2 Likes

Thank you for sharing that. Lots and lots and lots of identification here. Always a joy to see you here sharing life on life’s terms in recovery.

1 Like

I always debate whether to share or not. But I always hope someone can identify… so thank you, you’ve reassured me!

Yes and I’m sorry to read of your child hood trauma. Whilst not abused in that way, I had a “friend” who bullied me verbally alot, belittling etc, had huge resentments towards him.