Hope. Day #49 Struggles

I debated posting about my day tonight as I have had another rough one and I dont want to pull anyone down with me by any means at all. But I just needed a safe place to let these feelings out.

The urge to drink is still overwhelming today (day #49). I managed not to drink last night but sadly ended up self-harming instead. I feel like it’s not near as bad as what I have done before but I know that it’s not right…and it’s not ok. I didnt get much sleep last night and ended up sleeping most of the day after taking anxiety meds around 330am. It was difficult to get moving and I have a list of things to get done but I had to get out of the house…I ended up doing 45min of cardio at the gym, 10min of hydromassage and 10min of red light therapy. I get home…and there’s that little devil screaming at me to grab the bottle again. I just don’t know what else to do to get this feeling to stop. I struggle not to cry constantly. What do personally do for yourself when you feel so incredibly overwhelmed??

I wrote something last night while I was in my feels when I couldnt sleep:

Hope.

They don’t know the hurt or the struggle.
Sadly, now, the pain starts to double.
Why is she here in this world filled with trouble?

A sleepless night…
The demons inside fight.

She hates this world she hates what it means.
She’s ripped, she’s torn, she’s shredded at the seams.

She cries, she pleads, she begs on her knees.
For someone to save her from this disease.

If not for now, she fears for what’s later.
A life full of sorrow, or will it be greater?

In her search for something greater…
She wants to scream out, “I just hate her”!
This person, this girl…she’s fading so fast.
For God’s sake, how much longer will this last?!

She’s living a nightmare.
Its more than unfair.
Is there still hope…or only despair?

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Oh Michelle; I’m sending a big motherly hug… you’re doing your very best hun, I know you are.
You’re a good person, don’t listen to anything that says you’re not.
:heart::heart::heart:

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Thank you. I’m really trying so hard to fight this feeling. Trying my best to find things to do to distract myself. But I just dont know what to do anymore. Makes me feel so weak. I’m dreading having to work the weekend feeling this way. It makes it difficult as a nurse to care for others when you feel that you cant even properly care for yourself. On the other hand work is also so busy that I have no time at all to even stop and think about me or my personal life.

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I know if I listen to sober people on YouTube it really helps me to stay the course. There’s a ton of stuff there.
Nursing is hard, that’s awesome! Plus you’re helping others everyday.
I have faith in you, you just do your best. :kissing_heart:

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That was beautiful :heart: Things will get better each day is a new beginning. Hang in there and keep staying strong and keep writing

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Aww I’m sorry you’re feeling this way Michelle. I know it’s hard right now but it won’t last forever. Focus on some self care. Maybe take a nice bubble bath or have something yummy to eat (chocolate is my go to). Music really helps me get my mind off things. I turn it up really loud and dance around all silly with my daughter. Sometimes I’ll just have a good hard cry. I have had some pretty tough days lately so I can relate to how you feel. Know that you are worthy of a happy sober life. Hang in there. Sending you lots of love and big hugs. :hugs: :heart:

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Yes, very true. Thank you :heart:

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I watch a lot of general motivation videos on YouTube. Maybe I need to look up sobriety videos as well!

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I love to take “shower baths”. I find myself doing this more often lately. I let the shower run over me and I let the tub fill up. …And I did eat half a pint of chocolate gelato today that was very yummy! Lol. I do love to turn the music up as well. …and thank you :heart:

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Mmmiiccchheeellleeee!!! Love it!!! Pep up ma’ lady!! You’ve been doing great!!! My poetry is like my art… Stick people LoL I am so envious :smirk::smirk::smirk:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Michelle the Nurse better pep up
Or I won’t know what to do
:thinking::thinking::thinking:
See I suck at it… LoL

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Lol @Ravikamor your really suck at this but if this wasn’t the most potentially up-cheering post I’ve read on here for a long while then I don’t know what to do either! :joy::two_hearts:

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Oh Michelle, you’re in my thoughts and my heart for the tough tough time you’re going through. I definitely think you are doing an awesome job staying sober through all this. I know you’re hurting and life is shit right now - but you are kicking alcoholism in the nuts, majorly!
Always tell yourself: drinking WILL make this worse.
I think we all here feel it when you share and write about your struggles, and it creates something between us. Somewhere in me there is a hope that this can make you feel a little bit less alone with it. There is a whole bunch of people here rooting hard for you. Don’t stop posting!
Maybe try finding small things to find momentary joy in. The physical sensation of your shower baths, which bring your relief, or your dog saying hi to you. Stay in your body and allow for small pleasures. When I’m depressed, it helps me to do this.
It will get better in the long run.
Sending you love and support!

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I’m trying! Keeping busy this morning to try to keep my mind on better things.

LOL! That really made me lol. Made me smile. I needed that. Too funny. Thank you! :heart::heart::heart:

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Lol! Yes, it made me laugh/smile. It was perfect! Lol.

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Aww thank you! I’m trying to finish up crocheting a crop top this morning after I did some laundry and stuff. Just trying to keep busy so I dont have to think about drinking and all. :heart:

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I get the “you suck” trophy :rofl::rofl::rofl: I’ll take it :trophy::heart:

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I LOVE your poem its dark and beautiful and I can feel what you’re going through. All of my darkness comes out in the music I write maybe you could write some lyrics for some of the music I have!?!? That would be awesome! Hang in there you’re doing great! :sunglasses::metal:t2:

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I F***ING LOVE THIS LOL!!! YES SHE IS!!! :sunglasses::metal:t2:

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Aww thanks! :heart:

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Man…yall are the best! :heart:

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