I keep trying to stay sober, then I start having these weird fear based thoughts about how the people in my life are only here because they are trying to set me up or catch me up and use all the information and proof to either take my kid away or put me in prison and take him. I am not seeing things that arnt there I’m just reading into actions and patterns and behavior that is alarming and abnormal, I have proof my phone has been hacked and I have records of calls that my sons mother says she isn’t making, I have tangible proof of something going on that’s not right. And this shit happens even after a week or more of a one night binge of m. I’m scared I am ruining my relationship and possibly my life by thinking I’m being set in a trap, but I’m more scared that I have broken my mind. I can’t help but just have this feeling. And I wouldn’t even blame whoever if it’s true. But I am trying so hard to be a different person, a better man, dad, friend, partner, and human. I am so hard on myself that I tell myself that if I’m not perfect than I deserve to lose the 2 people I hold dearest to me and I am without hope or the ability to ever change. I also would rather believe I have broken my brain rather than the alternative. I need help please… I feel I have no one to turn to and I feel like if I can’t do something to change this than I am going to snap or hurt myself (which I don’t want to and have to find any other way for my self son and love)
I can’t speak on wether or not what is happening for u is real or not. But I can say that I have felt that “broken brain” when I was using meth for years. And for about 9 months AFTER I stopped using I was extremely paranoid, always analyzing people’s motives, watching bevaiours in others. I often felt like I was on autopilot and I had no control of what I was actually doing. I would mainly hear things and occasionally see things but not often and react in insane ways. I don’t rememeber your DOC, but if it was meth, there could be a potential that it’s side effects of meth use. It literally took me about 9 months to feel somewhat “normal” in my head. I was prescribed a crazy concoction of meds to help me cope bcuz my brain was literally not working well. BUT… I am currently off every single med that they put me on and my head is much clearer. We often do alot of damage to our brains when using. I often found it helpful to just focus on the next right action. Not so much on others. If ur doing the right things, no one can take anyone away from u and no one can come after u for anything
I appreciate the feedback back from both of you. And yes it’s meth, and I appreciate the support and advice. I have been coming to the realization that I will probably need atleast some short term medication. I’m just so scared of the side effects. I’m worried that it will just zombify me more of a medication to make it easier for others but inside I will still be just as miserable. I don’t have much of a choice at this point tho. It’s either let this consume me into an early grave or try anything to save myself and my family. I don’t have hullicantions, no hearing or seeing anything that’s not there, it’s more thoughts and fears. I have little to no control over my brain, it’s constantly on, even when sober for lengths of time. I am an overthinker and a deep thinker, I question everything until I understand it. Which when sober and mentally healthy is one of my favorite traits. Here I go rambling. Haha sorry partly the manic side effect from drugs and partly the lake of any outside communication. It’s either me pissing off the woman I love by unloading it on her or me keeping it in to the point of driving myself insane. Haha therapy here I come😅… I mean my paranoia stems from my guilt of knowing what I did and thinking I deserve it…
I’m really glad ur talking about it here. I always found it nice to be able to have others relate when those close to me may not be able to. Ur not alone honestly my brain today is soooo much better than it used to be. Like 5000× better lol I will be honest… for me anyway, the meds they put me on did really flat line me emotionally. And I did feel like a zombie at times. BUT… it helped me to stay clean. And it was short term (for me anyway). I am on medication but not those meds. That was the only way I could stay clean bcuz my head was sooo messed up The longer u have away from meth, the greater chance u have of ur brain healing. I haven’t used meth in years, my most recent DOC was another drug but meth really does the most damage to the brain in my opinion. I’m glad ur posting and talking about it. I really hope things improve mentally for you
Ya. I know there is so deep scars mentally because of this entire situation. It has shaken my trust in evrone everything and even myself and my own judgment or grip on reality which really scares me because I have always been good at being able to differentiate reality from the drug and the mind tricks it plays. But this has gone beyond just the drug. I am doing all I can just to not let people manipulate and use this issue against me. I have had people really try and manipulate and take advantage of my fragile mental state and it has really broken my sense of self assurance and confidence in what I know to be true and not let others gaslight me. I feel like I am living In hell and I have battled worse periods of addiction to this drug throughout my life. I barely use high amounts and it’s only a few times a month(which is still more than enough to fuck with your brain) and this has literally been the scariest experience of my life.