Ok so I’m up to day 10 drug free and I FINALLY got my boyfriend to take me seriously about not bringing drugs or alcohol into our home or around me at all. He says he’s done with drugs but I told him even if he gets some not to tell me.
Just one issue…I WANT TO GET HIGH. Its disgustingly hypocritical but I have been hounding him asking if he got anything, is getting anything, will get anything, searching his truck. Two nights of straight dreams of shooting up all night I just can’t get drugs off my brain! I made it a few days no alcohol and then went and bought 3 beers…like wtf…3 beers? Why? I swear to God I’m addicted to relapsing.
anyway something my friend said to me is maybe you are so obsesses with Tommy because he’s your only possible outlet to use. Now don’t get me wrong I could probably get high on my own but I’m really trying to resist opening doors I’ve shut a long time ago. But I think I relied on the fact that tom would eventually get something and I’d find out and have an excuse to use and blame it on him. The issue now is I think he’s fucking serious about stopping and I’m having a really hard time comprehending never doing drugs again.
Its so hard to explain. I really do want and NEED to quit but sometimes I don’t wanna…fuck this disease
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10 days is a long time! Keep going. It will get easier. Just take it one day at a time. Or even one hour at a time. However far you can push yourself.
Learn to accept your cravings for what they are. Don’t try to escape or run away. Rather let it happen. And be comfortable with them. Eventually they will leave you alone.
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I totally understand, I feel like I didn’t want to tell some of my friends so that I could not feel bad if I decided to relapse, and I told my doctor, good friends, my parents, my husband, his parents, his grandparents…I mean geeze…now I’m annoyed I told people but at the same time I hope that it’s a good thing I did.
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