How are your friends?

Day 5.
So how has everyone’s friends handle you going sober?? And I’m talking GOOD friends. I get the whole thing that they shouldn’t get mad for you bettering yourself…but something that was regularly associated with hanging out with them and then taking that away had to strip something from the relationship right?
I didn’t tell my best friend until this morning when she started making planes with me to go to the movies and take in a couple shooters, that’s when I told her and right away she was understanding she would never question my decisions. But I reassured her that nothing will change and I’ll still be ok with doing all the stuff we normally do… just sober.
But I got a text right after she left to not stop talking to her and stuff like that and of course I wouldn’t do that, I’m more afraid that it will be the other way…
Please tell me your experience

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I had pretty much abandoned all my friends (or they had abandoned me) at the end of my drinking and using so I have had nothing but support. My relationship with my good friends and family continues to improve. I was a horrible drunk and addict and no one wanted me around when I was using so everyone is very very happy that I am not that person anymore.

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Ditto to this.

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My good friends were really supportive and interested in my experience. But I was pretty quiet and on the DL when I first quit. I didn’t mention it to many people early on. I waited till I felt I had acquired some time-in and felt comfortable and more sure of what I was doing. I did not hang out with my friends in bars early on because I know I would have slipped in to old ways and comfortable habits.

My sister quit drinking a few years after I did, in part because of me: she liked the benefits she saw in me from not drinking. She never drank like I did though. A close friend also severely cut down his drinking based in part on my sobriety (and his own negative consequences from drinking). It’s nice to feel like I’ve had some positive effect on others in my life. I don’t mind at all when my friends ask me about my sobriety. But I don’t usually bring it up.

My drinking buddies became more awkward and I lost several of them. My sobriety makes them uncomfortable regardless of the fact that it’s not something I talk about to them. I think it just highlights their own issues and makes them feel bad. I’ve managed to remain friends with a few former drinking buddies but those relationships are definitely weaker now than they were.

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The beginning was rough, with my friends and family. One best friend in particular. She didn’t want to believe this was long term, and even though said she was supportive, became increasingly weird around me. She picked two public fights with me over political discussions but the undertone was she thought I thought I was better than her.
I cried several times at the idea of losing her. I never opened up this discussion with her. I became more codependent with her, acting in ways I thought would give me my friend back, but of course not drinking, but being complacent and all. I was so needy. And who wants to be around a needy person?

I would get so confused with these discussions of lose toxic friends bla bla, honestly I can’t stand those ideas and the word toxic. For me we need to observe our own toxicness before seeing it in others. Relationships are dynamics, where we both play a part. I started realizing I was putting a lot of expectations on her, and she may of felt that. I started to accept the akward, the ambiguity and we got finally closer. It’s not perfect but we are still very close and this is not a person I want to lose. So, I need to adjust. Eventually we may have a talk about our relationship, but for now, I’m trying to be more respectful of who she is, who I’m becoming and we’ll see.

With my family, they are now :100: supportive. We don’t talk about it, but they don’t fuck with me and drinking, they just know I don’t. It’s a non-issue. In the beginning I felt as though they were drinking more to compensate, but I actually find now they drink much less. But, I’ve been able to seperate what they do with what I chose to do.
I think the focus needs to always be on our own sobriety without putting expectations on others. Let them be, and adapt kind of deal.

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Most of my good friends are, “Really? Hey, good for you!” And that was it. They’re supportive.

Some noticed I’d bring sparkling water to get togethers and started just having some when I came over which is really sweet (and often I’m not the only one sober now…).

A few have been really curious, maybe struggling themselves, maybe previously worried about me? :man_shrugging:

A couple I just don’t hear from as much now. We were just drinking buddies. Frankly I don’t miss them as much. When we do meet up it’s… kind of a drag if I’m being completely honest.

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My friends who were supportive are still my friends.

Those who weren’t got the ol’ heave-ho.

Gave everyone the benefit of the doubt, and let them show what side of the fence they were on through their words and actions. If someone displayed that they were a consistent negative influence or a threat to my goal, see ya later.

Now I have even fewer friends, but at least I know I can count on them. Due to distance, I don’t see them much, but we still have our bond. Quality over quantity.

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All my friends drink and party. I haven’t really said much because I don’t really want to have the conversation. I just say I’ll get a drink in a little bit or I have a headache, etc…Honestly, no one really notices if I’m drinking or not, especially once they’re all f-ed up. Lol

Most of my friends have been supportive and impressed that I actually got sober. A few are also open now about discussing their alcohol issues and working on them…husband included.

One friend kept bringing jello shots to our parties, getting shitfaced and almost puking in our pool (got her to the bathroom). I had compassion the first time, after that, not so much. Don’t come to the sober person’s party and get all wasted…uncool.

I am much older though, so not really much of a comparison since I have been out of the bar scene for decades anyway.

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I didn’t exactly tell people I was doing anything. I just didn’t drink around them anymore. Really it took a while for people to actually notice. But then I got the questions as to why. I’ve never said it was because I was an alcoholic (really, was it their business??) but only that I was trying to make sure I was a healthy as I could be to live a long life. My mother died at age 69 and it was either directly from alcohol or from diabetes…which was clearly made worse because of her alcoholism. I’ve made it clear to people that I don’t want to die young like my mother did. Everyone is very respectful of that. Maybe it is because we’re all moms and none of us want to leave our children any sooner than we have to!!

I think sobriety is the fastest way to find out who your REAL friends are. A real friend will encourage and support you. The rest can all go to “you-know-where”!!

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You may find people who give you grief know of or are avoiding the issue of their own drinking. It makes them uncomfortable to see you make the change they haven’t. I’m not at all preachy, don’t discuss the issue unless someone asks me, certainly don’t tell others how to behave. Still, I’ve been called boring or Debbie downer for turning down a drink. When I think about the people who made those comments, I know for sure I’m on the right path. I’ve got friends, and I’ve got people I planned drinking activities with. There’s some overlap. There’s some non overlap I’ve found.

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Only friends i have now are in AA or family and of course my friends on here lol
keep on trucking

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My true friends all come from AA now. The ones from my past have seemed to cut ties with me or I cut ties with them.
Towards the end I hated everyone and everything and put well intentioned people through hell. So it is as it should be.

But as you move along in your sobriety and when it’s time reach out to those that you that you think you owe a apology to and ask them " what can I do to make this better?"

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Well, I think naturally as you get older you grow apart from your friends. Year after year, the time between talking to and seeing one another begins to increase. Before you know it, it has been years since you’ve talked.

I am at that age where my good friends, my real friends and I rarely talk, so, to answer your question, the change in friends for me was abandoning my drinking pals. They probably didn’t even notice I was gone. :man_shrugging:

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Love this :+1::+1:

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