How did I get here?

Hello everyone. This is difficult for me to write. I’m embarrassed angry and ashamed of myself. I don’t know how I got here. I mean I do but for a long time now I have been in denial. Lying to myself saying I have everything under control but Clearly I don’t. I have always enjoyed drinking and when I was younger I could take it or leave it. About 2013 is when that changed and progressively I got worse and worse needing to drink more and more. Till eventually I’m where I am now. Blacking out, fighting, making a fool of myself. Drinking and driving. Drinking to the point I stay up all night into the day and I am still going who neeeds sleep? Not me cause then that would mean it has to end and being oblivious to the world is too luscious and reality will always suck. I’ve struggled with the idea of accepting I have a problem. Admitting it only to Deny it moments later. See the thing is I don’t drink everyday so that made me think I was okay. Once a week usually depending on if the week is good or bad if it’s bad I drink every other day. So I’m fine right? Clearly not. I’d say others are doing worse and I’m not that bad. But when I start drinking nothing can make me stop. I can’t stop till it’s all gone and if the store is still open I have to get more there is never enough to satisfy my thirst. Basically last night I blacked out. Woke up at home so that’s good but something whispered to me today that I need help I can’t keep doing this to myself maybe it’s the headache ? Maybe it’s the fact I feel like a Mac truck hit me. Maybe it’s the fear of not knowing what happened or what I did. But I’m afraid… I want help now and I truly do but I’m afraid my mind will whisper the same lies and I will listen I want to stop I just don’t know how. Today’s day one. I’m trying at least I can say that… I can say I need help for the first time.


You have taken those first important steps in admitting to yourself you have a problem. With the help of this forum you will be able to take steps in creating a better life for yourself.

Good luck. I really do wish you all the best. You sound like me on my day 1. I can tell you… it gets easier but you have to stick it out. One day at a time.

I am day 37 sober. I was a mess so if i can do it you can too.


How did it feel to get that off your chest??
I’m sure it helped. It took a lot of courage to say that pal.

I’m glad you said and I’m glad you are here. You just took the first step in your recovery and it was gigantic!!

So welcome @Kkay. This place has tons of support and understanding people. You are not alone in this anymore. So read often and post often. It’ll help


Congratulations on your 37 days that’s incredible and thank you so much for your kind words and taking the time to read my story. It’s sick how my brain tells me I’m fine but I know I’m not it’s like I have been waiting for someone to tell me I have a problem because I justified myself I’m scared of being sober. Idk how to cope with things anymore sober. I want to learn but I am very very scared


Thank you so much :heart:

Thank you so much :heart:️ I truly apprechiate your kind words

You are very welcome now listen - for now you just need to concentrate on one thing - YOU.

You need to give this a chance, a real chance. So start the timer. Today is day one. And tomorrow guess what. It’ll be day two haha. You will have already doubled your sobriety by day two! Pretty neat huh?

Ok joking aside. This is going to be tough. But all things that are worth it are tough. The first week is known as hell week in addict circles because yes… the first week is hell. But fear not! The second week is known as heck week… because its the same as hell week… but not quite as bad… :slight_smile:

Now week three is where you start to get a sniff of what sobriety is like… you start to begin to see what life is like without the booze. It really does get easier but it is important to stay busy. Do exercise or play video games or watch movies… do anything… try to make new habits… but more importantlt come on here… update US with your progress because…

Your stength is our strength and ours is yours my friend. Good luck. Today us a great day for you. This is a major turning point and you should be very proud of yourself.


@Kkay Hello. I can say for a fact none of us planned to get here. The feelings your having, we all have had or are having.They will be one of your challenges. But first you have to get control of your AV. That’s the voice telling you that your fine with no problems. There is a lot of help here for you. Just understand you are the only one who can put action into the process. Without action ,it’s just words.Glad your here and my best to you.


I can’t believe how kind everyone is it’s making me emotional honestly thank you :heart:️ I’m glad that I found this and I’m glad I’m here today. Truly thank you so much you guys have no idea how much it means to have someone understand and not judge me or tell me I’m just over reacting or being sensitive or being told to suck it up


I am looking forward to reading your day 2 update here tomorrow!


Welcome @Kkay, you are definitely in the right place! Your story will hit a chord with a lot of us; it certainly did for me! That voice you are hearing saying that “maybe I don’t have a problem” or comparing you to other people in regards to drinking - that is the voice of your addiction. As others have said, it will try any way it can to get you to pick up that bottle.

Today is day one and it will be a tough week. The first week for me is always the hardest. I have relapsed more times than I can remember. But each time I start again, I’ve gained some wisdom on what to look for as triggers to my drinking. Just keep starting again and there will come a time when it will stick!

Check out some of the threads on recovery programs. It will really help you if you find one that works for you. This forum is an excellent tool to help you on your journey. We are all in the same boat with you and understand what this journey is like!

I’m glad you joined us. Stay strong and stay connected! :slightly_smiling_face:


I was right there where you are today. You took the first step of admitting you have problem ! When I was in the 1st week of detoxing, the voices and shakes were driving me crazy, but I overcame that and so can you. Today is 44 days sober and I’ve never felt better, this is the best I’ve felt in a very long time. I keep busy, go to AA meetings, haven’t found a sponsor yet. You just can’t expect everything to happen all at once. You have to take it one day at a time. You can do this !!!


Honestly the hardest part for me right now is the fear. For so long drinking has been at the center need friends drink want sex drink so u don’t care what u look like not hungry drink bored ? Drink. Iike there is so much I have not done sober in so long I’m just scared and angry and super emotional


Try to turn the fear into a positive. This emotion, fear, it is part of the addiction lying to you… trying to make you believe you need it.

So when you get these emotions of fear or anxiety just remember or try to think of them as the last dying breaths of the demon inside you.

So every time you beat or conquer the fearful emotion you are in fact destroying the addiction that has imprisoned you for so long.

Eventually the fear and anxiety will lessen and become nothing more than a footnote in the addictions destruction.


I totally understand that, I have felt the same way. To successfully stop drinking, you need to recreate your life. Alcohol was the center of your life and now that you’ve taken it out of the picture, it can be scary. Whenever you feel like you need a drink to do something - try doing something else instead of drinking. Make a list of all the things you have wanted to do but haven’t because of drinking: taking a walk, reading a book, spending time in nature, working on a hobby, listening to music, etc. Pick something else to take the place of your drinking. There is a thread on here that talks about things to do instead of drinking.

I know it may seem like this is scary and you can’t do it - that is your addiction talking to you. Start changing how you think and do the next right thing. Set some small goals, like: I won’t drink for the next two hours. Once you accomplish that, make another goal. I only think about this one day. In the morning I say - I’m not going to drink, just for today. Then tomorrow, I get up and say the same thing. That way it’s not this huge, looming “I’m not going to drink again ever”. It is much more manageable to say “just for today”.


I agree and really like this mentality.

The “i will not drink today” mentality had helped me get to day 37. The whole never drinking again is too scary a thought.

In fact i have taken it a step further… sometimes i say to myself… “you know… i probably WILL have a drink in the future… but just not today”

For some reason that takes allllllll the anxiety out of the equation… by tricking myself into believing ( only in that moment) that i will drink next week… or next month… but JUST NOT TODAY…

I have used that trick a lot over the last 37 days.


You just told my story! I was exactly the same. I’ve learned that my mind is a big fat lier. I’m learning that I really can deal with life without a drink in my hand. You can do this!


I too celebrate waking up at home somedays. Get out while you still can because one day you might wake up in jail.

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I woke up blacked out. Doors kicked in bc I lost my keys and just didnt a fuck. didnt even remember. and I thought to myself this is better than waking up in jail. started out here on day 10 now daily checking in at 112 brother welcome to the Worldwide We Crazy When We Drink Club. Yes I did just say that!


That’s real honest. Day one is always the most important day. It’s good to recognize your rationalizations (I only drink once a week so I am OK). If you feel you are drinking too much…then you ARE drinking too much.

You are going to be fine.