Hey there,
My name is Nadja and I’m 19. I actually don’t know who to talk to about it, so i am probably just going to vent here?
I was first diagnosed with anxiety disorder when I was five and it was also the first time when antidepressants were prescribed to me. My parents didn’t want me to take them so I only took them for a couple of weeks until „I got better“. When I was 12 it got worse. Depression, self-harm, anxiety, sleeping disorders, eating disorder and later I started hearing voices. So I got on antidepressants again. And since I was thirteen I always was on some kind of medication, so there was always the thought in the back of my head that I can just take a pill, so I can feel better. Looking back, I understand that sometimes I even „forced“ my therapist to give me a prescription because I was actually scared to be left alone with my thoughts. Later I found alcohol. Started drinking. When I was 15 or 16 I started smoking weed and it was a new way for me to get away from my anxiety, depressive and suicide thoughts. When I was 17 I went through a traumatic event, which caused my strong addiction. I was drinking, smoking and taking too many pills 24/7. There was actually no time when I was sober for 4 months. I lost my friends, ruined relationship with my family. So I got sent to a rehab. When I got out I didn’t stop. In some way it even got worse, but I was telling everyone that I’m fine, that I’m making progress. Still I never was home, I was always hanging out with some addicted people, trying out new, harder drugs, drinking almost everyday and smoking.
And then I met my boyfriend. The person who I love more than anyone else. He helped me to get out of the toxic environment, supported me when I was struggling with ptsd and was always on my side. Everything was so positive. But every evening I was still smoking or drinking. Because I just couldn’t sleep. And the moment I was left alone, I was just so overwhelmed with my thoughts. I tried quitting a couple of times now. But every time it just lasted for a couple of weeks, because I just couldn’t imagine who I would be without drugs. And I just didn’t know how to fight my anxiety. I make music, I make Art, I try to workout daily, I have a happy relationship and a dog who loves me. The relationship to my family is stabilizing, but the anxiety won’t go away. I have a therapist, I even found an antidepressant which fits me perfectly. And right now I understood that I could loose every good aspect of my life if I keep on doing drugs. But the pain, the memories, the anxiety, it all is still there. I know it takes time, I know that I will probably feel better in a couple of months or years. I just don’t know how to get through it.
First and foremost, it sounds like you have been living a very courageous albeit haunted life. With mental illness, and all of the stigmas that surround it, there is such a thing as toxic positivity. Although there is merit in it, for example not every day is going to be a bad one and it is important to focus on blessings, it is also invalidating and condescending. That is why I love “be kind to yourself”. I could write a book on why it is the best advice…
Nevertheless, how do I deal with anxiety? I have a complex personality disorder, so medication actually does far worse things for me. What I have cannot be medicated; because it isn’t chemical. After getting a proper diagnosis (which took years and years of finding doctors who weren’t lazy) I was able to find a therapist who has helped me exponentially!
Dialectical behavioral therapy has been a literal life saver for me. Learning the 4 main skills has helped me be able to sit with my anxiety and be okay with it or many times navigate through it.
And the most important has been reminding myself that I am doing my best to heal. Anxiety is conspiracy theories about the future. It is a coping mechanism, a defensive strategy, learning to be present in the moment helps, too.
Thank you for your answer:) it actually means a lot to understand that I’m not alone with a similar situation. I also need to remind myself to be in the moment, a lot. The most frustrating thing is when the discomfort become physical and you don’t even know what you are worrying about. But yes, I should definitely be kinder to myself. Thank you once again:)
Dealing with anxiety is tough. I struggle with it everyday and at the worst part of the day… trying to sleep! Ugh, I wish I could just turn my brain off and allow my brain the opportunity to sort out this or that without the constant anxious feeling.
@ICanAndWill has mentioned some very insightful information. I agree that a proper diagnosis from a doctor that truly has my best interests at heart helped me propel into a more comfortable state of mind. I, too, went years not being diagnosed with anxiety, ADHD and depression.
Short story… when I was six, I was told I had a sitting still disability which isn’t uncommon for a six year old. My parents were told I’d grow out of it. Unfortunately, my restless grew faster and stronger than my ability to sit still and be calm. Even as I was about to leave high school for college, I saw a counselor and he said “it’ll pass”. It didn’t. 10 years later, on my dime, I went to a doctor and he identified IMMEDIATELY that I had behavioral health complications.
Point of my story is I went 30 years seeing the wrong physicians… Once I was diagnosed correctly, life got better. Not great but better and every day is a little better especially in AA.
To cope with my anxiety I pray, turn off noises, read (not TV because it doesn’t exercise my mind) and practice controlling thoughts. It’s not easy. Heck, life isn’t easy. But this life I live is beautiful and I have to move at my own pace to stay grounded. I had to stop comparing myself to other, especially people who are “more successful” than me because I am not them. In fact, I kind of laugh at it all now because life is full of obstacles and when I start to feel overwhelmed, I just think “nope. not today. I’m good. I’m doing my best.”
Deep breaths, a glass of water and a nap if possible is where I go to find my serenity in a time of mental chaos OR I call my sponsor, someone in the program, my sister, anyone who will talk to me to keep my head on square.
Keep coming back and feel free to DM anyone here. We love helping each other. Welcome to the forum and I hope to see you around! 
There are some activities that can help you switch your brain off for bed. Obviously, these are things I have discovered worked best for me; so discuss some possibilities with your doctors.
I had a lot of sleeping pills that knocked me out; however, they also made me gain lots of weight. So now I only take them if I am having a panic attack or unsafe. (Thankfully, it’s been a while) Keep a bedtime routine, it will help alert your brain it is time to sleep. Learn from me and guard it with your life! It is easy to fall out of it.
I will then literally tell my brain it is time for bed. Anything that might happen, hasn’t… then I collect all the memories from my day: good and bad, and exhale them with a sigh. This helps me focus on sleep. I have used “worry dolls” before, as well as utilizing containment imagery.
Sleep is so important. But it is so difficult to get at times. I hope some of these things help.
Personally, I accept that it’s there and depression and anxiety only get the better of you if you allow it too. Be kind to yourself and some days will not be good but not every day. If you are a creative person I would recommend immersing yourself into art or something you are passionate about, I’ve been a contemporary composer for many years and I instantly shifted into wanting to be a dj and making dance beats, it makes me feel great and allows me to want to make others smile and want to dance.
Eating properly is huge, taking care of your diet and cutting crap out of your diet you dont need will help, what goes into your body is fuel if its junk, you’ll feel like junk and personally I notice anxiety hits me since I used to binge eat when I was drinking. Fill your body with nutrients and water in the morning, Jordan Peterson has mentioned having a high protein breakfast, that’s personally my go to, if I have a good breakfast it sets my day up for success and I dont feel sluggish.
Staying healthy, calling friends, talking to family, discovering your spiritual side. These are coping mechanisms I use for handling anxiety, it’s a battle sometimes but not everyday is bad and for the days that are bad, accepting that not everyone can be happy 24/7 or not feel uncertain or agitated, it’s more normal than most people think. Also I get grouchy and bad anxiety if I’m not sleeping enough, focus on a balance of 8 hrs of sleep a night, very important for our brains and body to be rested.
Yes, you both are totally right about the right diagnosis. I changed so many therapists and I still feel like I,myself, and none of them fully understand what exactly is going on… and thank you for sharing your experience with ADHD! My little sister has a pretty strong learning disability, so she also seeing a therapist right now and gets tested for adhd. That’s why it’s important for me to know more about it, so I can support her even if she doesn’t get the right diagnosis now.
I love reading and it’s one of the most peaceful activities for me. A book, that really had an impact on me, is „the Goldfinch“. It’s a story about ptsd, love, addiction, art and many other stuff. The book truly changed me at some point. And thank you so much for your answer:) reading all of it made me feel grounded and safer. And I get your struggle with sleep, sometimes I actually want to just turn my brain off. I try to do sleep meditation when it gets really bad:)
Yes! Sleep is soooo important! I actually can’t function if I don’t sleep. I used to skip school when my insomnia was really bad because I just couldn’t think, speak or do anything. Keeping a bad time routine is really a struggle for me right now because of the lockdown, as I don’t have to wake up early, meaning I don’t have to go to bed at a certain time. But I still try to get at least eight hours of sleep! I hope you are doing good and thank you once again!
I totally get what you are saying. It was a pretty important thought for me that the depression and anxiety will just be there and they will only get bad if you let it. Sometimes I forget that I am actually the one in control and that I’m responsible for my own well-being.
And food is one of the things that makes me really happy. I love cooking and love eating. Thanks to my parents we never actually had junk food in our house so I’m used to a healthy diet. now, after I had an eating disorder, it’s still pretty difficult to find a right balance between controlling the way I eat and not falling down into circle of diets and total control, but I try to listen to my body and understand what it needs right now. It’s one of the most important things that I’ve learned through the last year, to listen to yourself and understand your needs and your feelings.
Thank you for answering! I hope you are alright:) and I would like to listen to some of your music! And you want to, I could share some of mine:)
Feel free to check some of my stuff out on Instagram bud, I post stuff of me screwing around, I dont have footage of me live or anything but you can get the feel of it 
I’ve been a musician for 18 years so I find when I’m down or anxious it’s the best time to become productive, it’s hard and some days will seem impossible but there is always help if you need someone to talk to about it
Your story has a lot of similarities to mine. It is very common for substance abuse issues to stem from anxiety and depression disorders.
As i am sure you have figured out by now, a pill can’t solve everything, and at any rate, antidepressants have never really helped me personally. Sometimes we have to change the way we think about things and life in General, and changing our thought processes takes years of hard work. Of course as addicts, we tend to want that instant gratification. But working hard to change our thought patterns really does pay off, in the end.
I still have a lot of trouble with my anxiety, although I dont get panic attacks anymore. How long have you been sober? Have you ever done cognitive behavioral therapy?
This acceptance of it helps. Anxiety is so painful. It’s okay to not be okay at times.
Meditation, mindfulness, regular walks in nature, these practices have helped me very much with my own anxiety.
Sending love and understanding, it’s not easy what you’re living with, but there is hope, believe it and it will be true 
healing is coming to you. I am so glad you’re here.
I’m thinking of starting meditating again as it helped me back then. And walks in nature is my everything! I go outside for about an hour every day with my dog, luckily I live near a big park. I also used to go to mountains and spend some time there but that’s not possible right now because of COVID.
And thank you:)
Yes, you are right about working hard. It was one of the hardest things for me to understand- the way I work hard on my art and music to get better, I also have to work hard on myself. And yeah, my therapist rn is a behavioral therapist:)
Sometimes I just get the dark moments where it’s hard to think clearly.
And thank you for your answer:)
The longest I’ve been sober was two months. But it was a year ago… right now I’m on day five:)
Yeah, of course. I have days like that too. Sometimes I go into depressive slumps, and those days when I can’t think clearly last for weeks, or even a month. I am glad you seem to be feeling better. Anxiety truly is the worst thing that I have to deal with on a day to day basis, I strongly empathize with your situation.