How do you get over being dumped by your kids

Your Story
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Day 1. Again. Trying to figure out new purpose… very hard going… feel so alone… Need help!

My story with wine addiction started some 20 years ago. High profile job when your are expected to partake during numerous entertaining functions… totally hated it at the time… never got drunk…

Fast forward 10 years… raising 2 kids on my own… determined to give them best childhood, something i never had… travel with them around the word, stayed at beautiful places, put them through best private schools,… they were my life… I had a purpose, we were happy…

And i was happy but alone… maybe that’s when the addiction started… nice glass of wine at sunset… to make it less lonely… and so it goes… stressed? Glass of Chablis… happy? Glass of champagne… Although, never to the point of looking or behaving drunk… High functioning drunk…

Then my oldest wanted to start a business, so, I invested everything I saved to help him…and more… fast forward 5 years - stupidly sold everything including pension and house to support him… didn’t work out…

I’m a plus side he’s got a very well paid job out of the whole thing… and promptly “dumped” me…

So, in the past year i descended into oblivion… Drinking same wines we used to share on our amazing trips… disconnecting from the reality of being broke, and alone, and not knowing how to move forward…

And now… it still hurts… daily… but I know that no amount of wine will ever fix that hole… So, I need to figure out how to stop. For me. Because I am dying not only on inside, but physically… I can’t carry on…

How do you find strength within yourself to turn around, and being present (without “checking out”) when every part of your being feels hurt and betryaed…

How can I pass day one and make it last… For me… or is it really over when you are 50 and your kids abandon you? Need to find some new point…

Have you managed to overcome some life changing event and stayed sober? Please help!

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First thing you need to realize your not alone! Perhaps, your kids have moved on to a different phase of their lives, and they didn’t appreciate your sacrifices. Your still the successful person deep down inside that made all that happen.

Second, you need to stop living in the past! There’s nothing in the past you can change. You can sit and play the what if game all day long… The only timeframe you have control of right now is the present! Live in the now, and make plans for the future

It’s very easy for your emotions to take control of your actions. Harboring regret, anger and disappointment adds to our fire to just drink and escape. Look for ways to accept and forgive yourself for the things you think you messed up. Find outlets that cultivates this thought in you.

Mine are cycling, gym, hiking, live music and movies. I’ve come to understand myself, I’ve always been an addict of something; rather it was work, video games or alcohol the compulsion was there. Since I’m aware of this, I try to redirect to healthy addictions!

I know I was sort of throwing darts with a blindfold on, I hope something helped you.

Break the mental cycle you are in!

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Your situation sounds very difficult and I’m sorry that you feel betrayed by your children and alone. Alcohol may be intensifying those feelings by depressing your central nervous system. It could be that by getting/staying sober you may feel better mentally. Have you considered a program such as A.A. or SMART? There are tons of benefits but one immediate one is meeting sober people you can connect with that may help alleviate the feelings of being so isolated.
When I decided to stop drinking (again) the day 1 that finally worked was when I had a plan to go with my decision. I had resources that I could read and use when I would normally have turned to a drink. Things like this app, sober friends to talk to, meetings, etc. The resources and learning about addiction are what have helped me stick to it this time. It’s been more than a year. So I would suggest you change something- go to a meeting and ask sober people for help and support. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

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What you are seeking can be found within you. It’s a strange concept but really, when you love yourself and I mean REALLY love yourself, your self-worth won’t be based on another person. Take your power back, one day at a time. Find things you love about yourself. Start looking for the positive things vs the negative in your life. Write down these things daily. Make lists of what YOU want to do or accomplish now that your kids are grown. Soon enough, better things will start coming to you! You deserve a great and happy life, you just need to believe that for it to start falling in place and it really all starts with self love. Have you looked into any recovery programs? I have heard at least one of them say that we will love you until you can love yourself. It may be a great place to start. You can do this, I have faith in you! :heart:

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Hey hun that made me so sad reading it, I’m only on day 2 myself and I relate to the emotion things you mention. I don’t have anything to do with my parents through their choice and it can be heartbreaking for both sides. Stick at it and don’t drink we can do this. You clearly have huge love for your kids and an amazing work ethic so focus on getting everything back not what you have lost xx

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He might feel so embarrassed about what happened with his business, that he’s avoiding you. Does he know how much he’s set you back?

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Thank you so much everybody! I have been reading your posts for almost a year, every time I would put the glass down and say no more. Your stories and strength so inspirational!

I did manage to get to 2 montha back during the winter, and pretty much know what to expect. The first few days are always tough, because anxiety and depression hits hard; then slowly I would start feeling better until some bad ugly communication comes from the boys, and I am so upset to the point of not being able to breathe… and I fail again telling myself what the point of my life now anyway… And while it feels that drink is helping to pull through that night, stopping the next day is now almost impossible. This is why I decided to reach out for help; I hope that feeling accountable will make the difference. And maybe if and when something stressful happens I can go on this forum and talk, instead of going to the store. And maybe this time I will manage to get to the point when I don’t crave the drink to numb myself… I know it is not the solution, and I really really don’t want it in my life any more!

As far as my kids, they are 33 and 20. The main problem is that my eldest one definitely has Narcissistic Personality disorder; i wish that there was more awareness of the mental health issues; and that a lot of it genetic (similar to predisposition to addiction). He probably inherted it from his father who gave up all parental rights when my son was less than a year old, in exchange to a paper confirming that i will never ask for any support. I was 19 and promised to myself that I will give my boy the best future ever. And when I succeed, I felt secure enough to let myself fall in love again. When i had my youngest, i knew that even if relationship did’t work out, I would be able to provide happy life for both of them on my own. His father died when my youngest was one. This is when I sold my business and took them traveling around the world for a year thinking that while money can be lost and earned again, we only have one chdhood and nobody would be ae to take away beautiful memoirs from my kids. And then we settled, I build beautiful house filled with music, and love…

So, the hardest of all is not them moving on (i am not a clingy mother), or loosing everyrhing - its how quickly the happiness turned to ashes… And money seems to be the root of its all. Of course, looking back there were always signs that i choose to ignore, like thinking that my sons compulsive lying, blame shifting etc was just a character flaw that could be overcome by love and support. But my life turned into a nightmare once i had no money to give and refused to borrow more. And from sucsesful business woman I turned into a shrinking made, being called stupid b…, and f… words… and … And the history of all those beautiful years got rewritten in a matter of months.

On a plus side, the start up experience (and private education) helped my eldest to get great job, and youngest earns substantial amounts through some web trading… i am tethering on a verge of bankrultcy but despite never asking kids for anything, any communication from this point on is always disrespectful, and condescending…

Having been verbally abused for the past 2 years by my own kids brought down my self esteem and self respect to the point when drinking to death behind closed doors felt like an only option. But reading your stories and kind replies made me realize that while we all night have a story that kick started our addiction, yesterday can not be changed. It is what it is. But what I do today is in my hands. And today I will stay sober, on my day 2. Thank you all so much for listening and reaching out with words of help. Thank you!

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I can’t so much relate with you because I’m young with one child who is diagnosed with Autism. I can say I put all of my time, effort, gave up my career and everything I am into raising him. Life is hard and complicated and yes the bottle was my temporary moment for my self worth. I’m only on day 4 and half. I am feeling ok. I don’t say much on this but I do read. Alot. I feel this app and these people here are such a support. I’m going to keep going forward with this for me. So I can be a better version of me. I know I got this and I dressed up today. That’s a big deal for me. I also went to a restaurant that sells alcohol and I did not bring any home. Every day is a want to just pick some up but I don’t. I am happy about that because the new me is something worth working towards. I hope you stay strong. Feel free to message me. I’ll help the best I can to help us for a better tomorrow.

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You are amazing as a person, I just want you to know that I find your strength, perspective and perseverance SO admirable! :heart:

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Thank you so much for your message; and of course you are absolutely right “life can only be understood backwardas; but it must be lived forward”… I used to find inner peace through music, fitness and nature - so after reading your reply i made myself to go for a run, first time since last summer… I am determined to get out of this and find myself again. Thank you!

I also started reading a book you suggested in one of your posts “f*k feelings” - what an interesting approach

I am not sure if it is appropriate to ask and apologize in advance of my question may be too personal but why “shattered dreams” ? You sound so together… how long have you been sober? And how did you do it?

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“Shattered_Dreams”

I’ve always been a planner, and created in my mind what I thought were my dreams when I was younger. I come from a family where addiction runs wild.

I never drank until I was 32… I mean, I would drink every blue moon and let loose, but never on a regular basis. At the age 32 my sibling that I was closenesst to, passed away from medication. Less than 2 months later, I found out my spouse was having yet, another affair. Less than 2 yrs after that. I had another sibling pass away. My mental state was mind blown! Everyone I ever felt close to me had passed away or betrayed my trust. I started to rationalize my drinking like many of us. It became a method of escape, and temporarily helped me forget. Of course, the alcohol and the regular use eventually deepened the depth of anxiety and depression. This all led to a divorce and of course the feeling of loniliness.

So, I don’t necessarily label myself an alcoholic. Definitely someone that abused alcohol and pushed my limits. I try to refrain my experience from the boards. My ultimate goal is to not drink, in fact I keep track of my counter. Ive had multiple 90 day runs with complete sobriety and a 180 run. I’ve never had the unwilling cravings or mental compulsion I couldn’t contain. So, I tapered myself down to drinking every once in a while. Like once every few months. I wont classify myself a normal drinker either, but I have the ability to shut off the switch. For example, my roommate drinks a half of bottle of vodka every night… he offers it, and I’ll tell him not tonight. I know for most people abstinence seems to be the only answer… I found a gray area, that I can drink, I just choose not to.

The closest thing to a support group is this app. I never been a person that would strive in group setting like AA or Smart. I do keep myself busy! Exercise, helps me create physical goals, and alcohol provides only negative results towards my goals. I read as much as I deem necessary to keep me forward thinking.

It works for me, it’s my journey. Probably wasn’t the answer you were looking for are expecting.

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I find you story very interesting. Stay strong you seem to have a good head on you. You have had happiness and success before. You can do it again day by day.