So . . . I joined TS in mid-November and sailed through the holidays. My Mom is 86 and had a stroke three years ago and is (permanently) in a nursing home. She is paralyzed on her left side but is still Mom. Has her faculties and sense of humor. I hadn’t seen her in over a year because of STUPID COVID. I was SO afraid I would never see her again. I found out on a Friday that we could get in to see her and I instantly went into planning mode. SO and I planned on leaving the next day to drive the 12-hour drive to South Florida. But instead of being a responsible person with 75 days of sobriety, I opted to stop on the way home and buy poison. As a result, I really screwed up our VRBO reservation, packed poorly, and felt like crap on the travel day. Thinking back, if I want to assign a reason, I would say I was too emotional and just acted on it. Not smart.
So, tomorrow I am flying out at 8 a.m. to see Mom. I will land in South Florida, get a rental car, and drive to my sister’s house where I will stay. Today I worked, did a little shopping for gifts for Mom, went out to eat with SO, brought the dogs for a walk, and packed. Now I am writing this post sober and really really happy. Looking so forward to seeing Mom. Just as emotional as I was in January, just chose to handle it differently. I stopped at a grocery store to pick up a snack and felt funny because it was one of my “cheap wine” stores. One of my “stop on the way home” stores. I didn’t want to buy booze and knew I wouldn’t. But, in thinking about my habits I realize there are a lot of stores and memories in my area and I will have to relearn how I feel about them if that makes sense. I felt kind of lousy and ashamed even though I wasn’t buying wine. It will take time for the negative associations to fade. But that is OK.
Spending time thinking about my habits. Spending time visualizing myself going to stores and buying seltzer water or spaghetti for dinner or salad. Visualizing myself successfully driving home sober and happy with one more day under my belt.
Well done, lady! I can relate to so much of this. But you did it, tonight, and you’ll do the visit too. Reach out if you need us, and soak up every beautiful minute with your Mom.
You should be really proud of yourself and the changes you’ve made. This trip is going to be very special in so many ways. Safe travels and enjoy that time with your mom. Can’t wait to hear all about it.
You have so much to be proud of. I am so glad you will be able to see your Mom. I know how challenging it is and how odd it feels to do new things in old places…but forming those new habits and making positive changes…it is so freakin rewarding. Have faith in your self. You deserve a happy healing healthy sober life. And have a great visit!!
I’m glad you get to see your mom Pull on strength from us if you need to. We are here for you. You don’t need to struggle alone. But for now stay strong
Well done ! I totally relate to driving past stores I used to but alcohol from all round where I live and I wonder when those memories will stop ? I don’t have the urge to go in and buy vodka but I still think about it every time
This was so nice to read!
I love hearing when people have a moment where all possibilities, challenges, and emotions are all swirling in front of you- and you actively choose differently. You choose wisely and thoughtfully based on the knowledge and experience you gain. @Mbwoman, you remembered your “promise” to yourself, and kept it! I’m proud of you! This, to me, is real and positive growth. Great job, and I wish you a safe and happy trip.
Some unsolicited advice- please be on the lookout within yourself when you leave to come home, or after you’re back. I can imagine seeing your mom is going to stir up so many feels, and your next challenge may be to process it all when it’s said and done…
Be well! (and a lion for courage)
You know its takes alot to come clean that you lapsed, yes lapsed you have slipped up once and instead of staying in that lane of drinking… Youve picked yourself back up acknowledged and own it like a boss!
I have such admiration for people who are not willing to give up, we are so use to our old coping behaviours that sometimes we forget to keep everything in line to stay sober!
I hope your trips does you the good you need!
Keep working on you, you are worth it x
Thank you SO much everyone for your kind, supportive, and thoughtful responses. I will read them again (and again) At the airport now waiting to board. Just…yay!!!
Just seen this thread. I hope you enjoy spending time with your mom lady. Look forward to hearing all about it when you return. Stay strong, you are an amazing person and you deserve a sober happy life
Hi everyone and THANKS from the bottom of my heart for responding to my post.
I returned home early Thursday. The time truly flew by. My Mom was in good spirits and I spent hours just hanging out with her. Yeah, I probably talked too much and gave her a headache, but that’s what I do. And have always done so she is used to it. But - I became mindful of this when with her and encouraged her to talk, too. Actually, she and my sister have been working on my Mom’s story/memoire for about a year. Now THAT is a story for another time. But, I was finally able to read it. Lots of things I knew, but much I didn’t. I used that as “talking points” and asked my Mom questions. I feel very fortunate to have this time to get to know her better. Although we have always been close, my addiction and the dishonesty that comes with that has gotten in the way. BUT – not this time!! Also, I was able to spend quality time with my sister and brother-in-law in their gorgeous home (yup, had some envy issues, but that, too is a topic for another time).
I have much gratitude for the time spent with my Mom and family. Sober and present. Freaking awesome stuff!
(and a lion for courage) 
