How I got from there to here

Hi everyone! I’m new here. It’s been a little more than 3 and a half days since I decided to quit drinking. My relationship with alcohol wasn’t always as dangerous as it’s become. Certainly it was concerning. Underage drinking but the kind where I would drink alone, in my room with the aim of getting drunk for no purpose other than to be drunk. Once legal, I use to to occasionally get a bit lax and instead on having the one glass of wine I end up drink half the bottle or sometimes even the entire bottle while alone.

I stopped drinking easily for a few years there but then the relationship I was in with the guy who would eventually become my ex-husband turned abusive. As the abuse escalated so did my desire to get wasted. It didn’t help that I’m a very defiant person especially when someone is telling me what to do just to be controlling. My ex forbade me from drinking at all as well as seeing my friends. Getting alcohol while he was at work was easier than sneaking out to see my friends and it gave me a rush and relaxed my severe anxiety to get drunk while he was gone. It was my way of being defiant. Once I finally left him, drinking was a thing I did to “take back my life” since he never let me and I wanted to experience what I though of, at 26, as a sophisticated adult recreational activity. Unfortunately, PTSD was a little parting gift I got from him and I was dealing with the stress of my beloved dog’s lymphoma and 8 month prognosis. I also felt deep shame which worsened the PTSD and my already existing GAD at what I perceived to be utter failure and stupidity on my part for falling for my abuser in the first place and then marrying him even after people told me not to and then burdening them with helping me put my life back together.
So I drank and I mostly did so alone. And it was now a nightly habit of 2 or 3 glasses of wine a night (about half the bottle the way I would pour). I showed up to work hungover or called out due to hangover more than once. I also started dating my soon to be husband at this time and on the weekends I’d go to his place and we would rink. He would drink a moderate amount and remain buzzed to kind of drunk. I would down a 1/4 of a band new 750ml bottle of tequila and end up wasted (I’m small enough and sensitive enough to alcohol that a single drink gets me buzzed - drunk and more than that gets me wasted).
My fiancé cares very much about me and he always gently tried to restrict my drinking by asking how much I’d had, did I drink any water, do I think I should have more but never telling me no I’m not allowed. This helped but I still was drinking a lot all of the time.
I should mention, my father was an alcoholic who drank nightly and got wasted at parties when I was little and it lowered his seizure threshold to the point where he had a seizure at work and almost died when I was 11. This has always been in the back of my mind and I knew drinking was a gamble for me and one day I’d probably have to quit all together. Problem is I never thought I was an alcoholic even though I’ve pretty much been one since high school with random periods of recovery peppered though. Each time I’ve relapsed from these recovery periods the addiction gets worse. I decided to quote this time because I’d decided (for some reason) that 3 or 4 drinks a night was close to being an alcoholic but only drinking some days was not. So I switched to drinking only a few days of the week. Problem is it went from 3 drinks on those night to starting almost as soon as I’d wake up around noon and continuing until 2 am with a total of 5 or more drinks (I always got so drunk I’d lose count). I knew it was time to stop the night I started drinking at about 10pm (I’d waited to drink until I’d finished my sewing projects as incentive). I decided that since I’d been so good at waiting and getting so much work done I deserved to let loose a little. I intended to only have 3 drinks and go to bed at midnight. I think I had 6 or more drinks and didn’t sleep until I passed out by accident on the couch at 6:30 in the morning. This was only after taking my dog (the one who did not die from cancer) for a very intoxicated walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas. If nothing else my neighbors probably saw me and I don’t want anyone to ever remember me as the raggedy looking woman in pajamas who was drunk at 6 in the morning.
The hangover from this was not the worst I’ve had but it was enough that I knew I wasn’t being good to my body. Add to that the fact that my drinking was starting to strain my relationship with my fiancé and the fact that I was quickly working towards being drunk all the time and never getting any work done and I knew I had to stop. I didn’t want to be my Dad, embarrassing my kids at block parties and almost dying from what the alcohol would do to me. I also have a family predisposition for late onset schizophrenia that has been brought on by substance abuse followed by sudden withdrawal (my grandma had her break at 32 after having her Valium revoked by the doctors and going in to sudden withdrawal with no medical support).
This time of being sober is proving to be a lot harder than any other time I’ve been in recovery. Maybe it’s because I’m doing it on purpose or my alcoholism really has been worse than I realize but I’m hoping the support from others who are going through the same thing will help me stay in recovery. It’s especially important because my fiancé and I want to try for a baby in about a year as soon as we are married. Any advice is welcome, especially for riding or cravings. I’m finding that since I can’t drink there is a real pull to abuse the prescription medications I have (Adderall and a Migraine medication with a barbiturate and Codine in it) or to smoke a lot of pot. I don’t think it’s a good idea to replace one vice with another so advice on how to ride out the cravings when impulse control is not my strong suit is much appreciated. Thanks for reading. I know it was long.

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Welcome to the group you will get a lot of support here, there is a lot to read and you can use the search bar to find topics you may find relevant to you. I believe there is no coincidence that the more somebody uses all that this place has to offer the more successful they’re recovery is. It seems you are really intent on recovery and for that I commend you :+1::grin:

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Hello and welcome!
Thank you for sharing your story! You made 2 great steps: 1 you noticed you have a problem, 2 you quit! Congratulations with that! Keep focus on this day, every day. Today you are not drinking. It makes your steps smaller and duable.
On this app you will find a lot of tips and tricks to stay sober. Just put the subject from your choice above in the :mag: button. And look what pops up!
If you need help: just ask!
There is allways someone around! :heart:
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Hello and welcome… this app is truly a life saver for me at the beginning of my recovery i was always on here just to read everyone else’s story… good luck with your journey x

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Maybe try a meeting they help wish you well

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If you’re interested, you can also ask your doctor about medications with less abuse potential. I know Strattera is used sometimes as an alternative to Adderall, and doesn’t get you high in the way Adderall does because it works in a different way. It might not be an option for you or there might be others.

The real issue is going to be learning to deal with the cravings though, like you mentioned. If you read around here there’s tons of information about it. If a craving hits and you don’t know what to do, maybe try talking to someone. Meetings are widely available in many areas, and you just walk in and don’t have to talk if you don’t want, and they will totally get it if you’re anxious. You might even get offered phone numbers from people to call whenever you need. You can also check in here for support. I find it really useful to be somewhere outside my own head sometimes.

Keeping busy helps too, gets you thinking about something other than using a substance to get through. As you develop more coping skills and personal growth you might find you don’t have the cravings nearly so much too.

Therapy has also helped me learn to respond to things better and handle what I’m feeling as well. New tools that work better than alcohol and are usable anywhere anytime.

Impulsivity can be a weakness of mine too. Perhaps you can do something that removes the opportunity long enough to get your head back. Guided meditation, conversing with someone. Or move a muscle, change a thought. Cleaning the kitchen, taking a walk. Impulses are allergic to delays.

But at some point, it all comes down to being able to say no to yourself, and saying no to the first drink, the only one that matters, because without it there cannot be a second or third. @Yoda-Stevie says it better, but my phone is so painfully slow that it’s really an endeavour to find and quote him properly.

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Hello and welcome…Best of luck…this app is a great start

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Hey there @VanillaCoke and welcome :two_hearts::blush: glad you’ve decided to join and get on the road to recovery. I’m the same age as you and have a bit over 4 months under my belt. Started drinking way early like you and while all my friends retreated back, I kept getting worse with the bottle. I knew I had a problem but not as bad as I thought until a year ago when I started getting very sick. I’d drink thinking it was withdrawal symptoms which alleviate a little pain but something was definitely wrong. No doctor could figure it out so I was sent to a GI. After an endoscopy, a biopsy of my liver and many blood tests, I was diagnosed with liver cirrhosis November of last year. I was drinking wine out of a water bottle in the doctors office when I received the news. The news that if I did not stop drinking I would not only need a new liver, I could potentially die. I did not care. I kept drinking bc I couldn’t stop. Finally, once I realized my relationship was destroyed, I was a wreck and was dying did I go to my mom and say I need help. She found me the best detox, I got hammered and went in and 124 days later here I am. The point of this story is it’s possible. You are not alone. You chose to get sober, so get sober. Hit a meeting and find within yourself the strength to not drink. Set up a game plan and share it with your fiancé…he’s going to be your biggest advocate because we can not do this alone. You can do this…keep sharing :heart:

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Thank you all for the advice and the warm welcomes. I’m feeling a bit better today. Knowing I can talk to people on here helps and my fiancé is being very supportive and understanding of my cranky attitude. Oddly enough, I’m realizing that my desire to drink pops up when I’m thirsty and should probably drink water. Drinking water didn’t help but drinking a glass of chocolate almond milk has helped a lot! I think this means I’ll have to work on body awareness.

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It’s OK. You nailed the spirit of it. That’s what matters. Take the idea. Make it your own.

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One good thread here for those just getting started is Tips for the struggling newbie

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