Stay strong brother
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Hey brother,
I read through your post carefully, and I can relate to your experience. I too have struggled with pornography and masturbation for the past 2 decades. My pornography use has affected my relationships with my family, my wife, my ecclesiastical leaders, and my self. After trying for years to stop, I finally checked myself into an intensive ten week men’s sexual addiction recovery group and have been maintaining sobriety ever since.
Let me share with you a few things I’ve learned on the road of recovery:
First - find out your core needs. Are they being met? What emotions or desires lead you to acting out?
Second - focus on your successes. We tend to only see the times when we relapse, but fail to examine all the times we said no and stayed sober. If you focus on your successes rather than your failures, you might find more motivation.
Third - practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is a fantastic tool that can help ease the symptoms of withdrawal, arousal, depression, anxiety, etc. Practicing mindfulness has increased my success rate in an amazing way.
Fourth - FIND CONNECTION. It’s a good thing you are seeking connection through this platform, I commend you! HOWEVER, having a group of brothers to stand by you and talk with you face to face can get you much farther. Strength in numbers, strength through a brotherhood of men fighting for the same goal.
Wish you luck brother. You can do this.
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I appreciate your response. I am still exploring my core needs, one of the big ones was safely acting out or role playing fantasies that I was too ashamed to have a real conversation with my wife on. On the day to day needs, those I’m still figuring out, spending a lot of time with a therapist to root around in my head and figure out what was trauma response and what are the real self care needs and care needed from my wife.
I’ve really been focused on seeing the timer flip over days for me, won’t lie, I am back at 4 days but it’s okay because I made it 29 days the last time and so it’ll be longer this time. I’ve also been focusing heavily on the successes with repairing my marriage and the good feelings of opening up about my shames and the abuses I’ve faced since childhood with her and with my therapist. It’s the lift of success and the unburdening of weight I’ve carried for so long and it really feels good to focus on it.
I have definitely been practicing mindfulness, I’ve actually been trying since the beginning of last year. A lot of the use symptoms came out as anger and I initially went to get help for that. Since then and since coming to terms with the addiction and using Les and less frequently, the anger is dissipating slowly but measurably. Because of that I’ve been applying it to my urge for porn and it’s helped a lot, normally I’d give in quite quickly but now even the worst callings I hold out until it goes away or I can find something constructive to do to override it.
The connection part has been difficult, it’s that shame piece that gets in the way for the most part. I’ve asked my therapist for groups that he would recommend for me and I do plan on giving them a shot at their next meeting. Not sure what that’s going to look like and it does send my anxiety through the roof.
Again, thank you for your advice, I don’t think I can express my gratitude for all the support that came nearly immediately after I posted.
It’s nice to bump into you again. I’m glad you’re still plugging away.
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Good to see you too brother! The group has gotten very quiet of late. It’s hard to find the motivation to come back here.
I had a bad relapse back in September which sparked an intense need to reevaluate my desire to change. I’ve since taken some pretty big strides and I’m now closing in on 90 days. I have zero intent on going back to it. That darkness has taken 30 years of my life, I don’t want to give it a second more.
Now I’m just in the maintenance phase - practicing mindfulness, seeking connection, and helping others as best I can.
How are you doing, brother?
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That’s great to hear that you’re growing so well. The 90 day mark is huge. And it seems that you’re appreciating sobriety and not looking back.
I’m on day 51. And I’m seriously done with porn. I mean it. I’m done. I’m not craving it. I haven’t entertained it in my mind, and I’ve kept excellent custody of my eyes over the last month. And I’m finally enjoying sobriety because I don’t want to use. I’m a non-user.
And it’s so good to see you again. Thanks for popping in.
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Good advice here. When I first realized I was a pmo addict I wanted my bf to be my accountability partner, but it didn’t go as I’d hoped. So God ended up being the One I chose as my accountability partner; it wasn’t what I initially expected but it went well for quite some time. I’ve relapsed since then unfortunately, but I got back up again. Don’t give up Michael and welcome to a place that I hope is helpful to and for you.
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Same here bro. Day 29, and i’m 100% a non-user. Even my worst trigger spots trigger a saying i immediately say out loud, “Yipee i’m free! I’m a non-user and i’ve drank bleach for 20 years trying to fill a void. Enough already.” That same phrase almost verbatim every single time. I’m not on social media and i still have my blockers on because i dont want to tempt ‘muscle memory’ putting me right back to my ‘online harem’. These days i’m focusing on what matters most and helping others on this journey. Onward!
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I love that feeling of freedom. I feel like I’m finally on the road of recovery and refuse to act out again.
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How is everyone doing on this thread today? @KevinesKay @SelfLove_42 @BeardedSandMan @domino0922
Hope you guys are having a strong day and can connect with someone today! 
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Good morning 
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Doing great bro! Day 32 is here. 0 cravings. 0 withdrawals. Happy and appreciative. Not looking back. This crew we got here. We are headed for 365…one day at a time!
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Doing good today, had a rough day yesterday on the road of recovery… Not with temptations, but with regret for everything I’ve done. But it just strengthens my resolve. The more I distance myself from it, the more I despise porn. I absolutely refuse to go back to it. I’m at 82 days and I feel no temptation for it. I will fight it, I will be a positive influence in the lives of my family and other brothers who struggle in the darkness. I rage against it, I’m at war with it, porn will never have me again.
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Doing good, I’d been waiting to digest it before posting in here about it, it’s a fun story actually. First, I am 8 days sober, I had a bit of a relapse but in a weird way, I told my wife about it and she wasn’t angry. She told me she was surprised I made it to 29, which had unintentionally cut a bit but I forgave and spun it for myself as exceeding her expectations. She continued, saying we’re going to do better and longer this time and she’s right, because I will.
So what had happened was, and I apologize for this ride but there was a bit more to it than a plain relapse, it might even be funny at the end. I had a really bad night last weekend, I relived a bit of trauma I had gone though and had a freak out that spilled over to my wife. I royally pissed her off, but neither of us knew what caused it and why I felt so paranoid and powerless to stop the anxiety and worry, so the blame was placed on me trying to manipulate her. I was sure that wasn’t the case, though I did doubt myself a little in the back of my mind. She had gone to her work Christmas party without me, expected to get drunk, and have a great time at the hosting hotel that was in a shitty part of town. Apparently, I have many previous experiences with that kind of activity going very poorly with previous relationships that it triggered an episode. Who knew? Apparently my therapist, he suspected I might be a candidate for Complex PTSD and he told me at our appointment a couple days after all this, excellent timing. Turns out my childhood sucked, my teen years sucked, and my early adulthood romantic relationships sucked, and it all formed a perfect storm around an event that was similar to several previous that I started running through all the terrible things that could happen to her, to us, and subsequently me. She did not find my means of getting her attention after hours of no responses from her by text or no answer to phone call to be as utilitarian as I meant them them to be. I was worried something had or was happening so I tripped the porn filter alert because in my head, it was better than asking the hotel front desk to find her and check on her and maybe it would be an alert she would hear if she set her phone to silent. As I said, not in the right mental state to be making choices, powerless to stop the cycling emotions.
(Context: the part that lead to the CPTSD conversation with the therapist, prolonged childhood abuse, multiple serious relationships and my previous marriage having ended with infidelity with my first wife being drunk the first time it happened, are apparently the causes for the paranoia and severe anxiety I deal with)
So the next morning, after the late night proper ass chewing on how she perceived what the alert meant and freaked her out, I was in my feelings the next morning looking for a soothe. I did not turn to porn, I had gone into our text and Facebook messenger history to collect some pictures of her/us for me to look at and maybe print for a frame to hang where I’m staying. I forgot that she had sent me some “fun” pictures in the past which I thought we kept in hidden messages and were lost to time and a previous phone. Turns out not, Facebook messenger had an extensive picture history of the things she sent me. I would recommend everyone addressing that by deleting those if you’ve ever sent them to a porn addicted SO at any point, because they’re still there lol. So I fell into it to make me feel better. I came to the realization that despite the pictures being taken from a place of love and the meanings they came with, I was at risk of turning them into porn with the rational of “feeling better” when I used them. So we reset clocks but I am doing better now, no overwhelming urges. She’s been quite happy with me being so honest and open about feelings and the whole CPTSD thing and what connections I’ve been making and talking them out with her and my therapist. She even asked me to spend the night (literal not the fun kind) at our house the night before last, which was a big deal that she wanted me so close.
So there’s the emotional rollercoaster with a happy ending. I haven’t seen her this weekend so far, and not expecting to until Monday evening, and I haven’t had a freak out over her being out alone now that she knows and understands what happened last weekend and has been more accommodating in her communication with me.
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One thing I battle but refuse to give into: regret and shame. Just remember: if you let those qualities dominate you…you will flood your system with dopamine and push you hard towards a setback. Bro I got 20 years of regret that I can’t do anything about. Absolutely nothing. Here’s what I’m thankful for: 32 days of sobriety and peace. That passed happened. It’s done. Looking back adds nothing but shame and shame leads to porn so looking back is worthless.
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I think with time it should heal. Give me a year… Give me a solid year and I’ll be ok.
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Same here bro. Day 365 we will be fine. We are all in this journey. Shedding so much freaking baggage. I got alot of mental insecurities im working on beyond this addiction.
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