My husband asked me to give him space and some ‘thinking time’ as he is confused about his feelings since I quit drinking 76 days ago, he won’t tell me how long he needs or what he is deciding and is currently not discussing anything with me and basically ignoring me mostly, I just wondered what everyone would consider a reasonable length of time if you were the one who was sitting waiting? I am struggling to sleep, eat or think about anything but this and it is making me ill 
In AA they talk about not making any big decisions for the first 6 months of sobriety. In one share I heard, a woman was advised by her sponsor to wait the 6 months. She did, and then ended up separating from her husband (not saying that is where you are headed…). But for the first 6 months it’s really about you and taking care of yourself, getting rid of your addiction and finding a new system for coping. We are all here for you as part of that new coping plan. Hugs
2 Likes
I just can’t live with the uncertainty thats all, I know I am being impatient but how do I not be? I feel like my whole life is hanging by a thread that he is holding and I can’t concentrate on anything else, I am ok when I am with a friend or at a meeting but as soon as I am on my own in the car or at home once my son is in bed it dominates my head, I am trying to do my step 4 and inbetween read my book or watch tv, I am really trying to just wait it out but it is just agony
This was my exerience with my wife. She was really upset from things I had done and said. We were inches away from divorce, as in she saw a divorce lawyer and was about to get papers. This was mid august and begining of september. We were both a mess. I told her to wait and not do anything. I wanted to get better so we could.be together. We decided that since I could not stop drinking on my own and rehab is way ro expensive, I would go to my parents in Minnesota for my own “rehab” program. I was there 70 days and she was home herself to process what had happened. Today we are better then ever, however, there is still some hurt she has but has forgivin me for it. This was just my experience. It takes everyone different amounts of time for this process. I hope he gets the time and space needed for him to forgive. You cant rush him or make him do anything. Just be patient and focus on yourself. Hope this was mildly helpful. Stay strong😊
1 Like
Thanks for sharing Gibb, that is helpful, I am just so sorry and so sad about all of it, I am going to try and wait it out!
I know the feeling. But we have to forgive ourselves. It takes time. We are here for you
1 Like
Can I ask exactly what you are waiting for or what happened that he is so upset about? I ask because my bf and I are struggling right now, I had been drinking quite a bit and he was secretly addicted to masturbation Poe and prostitutes. Now that I’m not drinking and was able to catch onto what was going on, it feels like the relationship is dead.
1 Like
I was pushing him away whilst drinking and have hurt him a lot he says, he is deciding whether he wants to try and make our marriage work I think, I guess whether he can forgive me and get past his fear that I won’t stay sober, how are you coping?
1 Like
Ah I see…we’re in individual therapy right now, no drinking, quit smoking also and just busy with work.
The shock of all that happening right under my nose was a big wake up call. The last week has been harder…just feeling antsy where as up until now I haven’t had any desire to drink.
I think that the more time passed the more I realize the severity of what he did and how it has possibly damaged the relationship beyond repair.
I’m going to have to make time to get back to working out if I’m going to make it though this agitated patch…work is going to slow down and I’m going to need to prepare to keep busy. Recovery homework is in the to do list also.
Actually, you may find this helpful! http://www.smartrecovery.org/resources/toolchest.htm
I was using it to help me learn how to focus on myself a bit more.
I actually made a whole binder with articles and exercises I can do to keep busy. It makes me feel like I’m doing something productive when I feel helpless. It also helps me organize my ideas, thoughts and feelings. Gives me hope lol
Another thing that can be great is starting a bullet journal…just check it out in Pinterest. It’s very consuming and quite a bit of fun, I find it to be a pretty satisfying outlet for obsessive and or compulsive energies I would otherwise invest into getting drunk lol.
Finally: Adult colouring books! Sometimes instant and only colour for 5 minutes just to get thought an axioms patch.
I have a few books my Therapist recommended also if you are interested.
2 Likes
We have had a big discussion and I feel cleared the air a bit and feel a bit better although by no means positive news - he says that he loves me but he doesn’t know if he can forgive and forget the past, that he feels we haven’t been close for a long time (couldn’t be specific about when from) and as such couldn’t say whether he wants to make a go of things, he said I have hurt him so much that he doesn’t know if it can work, anyway we have decided that we will carry on as we are for a couple of weeks, I am still going to my friends in Scotland and then going to my daughters for a few days the week after to give him some space and some time on his own with our son then we will re-assess and he may move out for a trial separation - not sure how I feel about that but am going along with it for now and he has said he will make sure I am ok financially until I can get on my feet if we do go down that route and if we haven’t sold the house I will stay here. Feel a lot better than I did now at least I know where i stand although obviously am very upset that it is happneing at all!
3 Likes
Esh…I’m sorry to hear that I think you dealing with all this sober is a true testament to your determination and desire to make a change in your life. I think he will see that.
2 Likes