How do I get nearness and security without hurting somebody or myself at the same time by getting messed up and totally out of control? Being together with someone sober makes me fear. Men beeing Nice to me makes me hurt them physically and emotionally, while beeing fucked up. But I do need that nearness while I am sober So bad. Is that adictiv longing?
Hi. Don’t have any real advice here. Your story reminds me very much of someone I knew once,I was on the other side of that relationship. I can tell you if you can give sobriety a fair shake and get sober you will be able to make much better choices. Hopefully things will go a lot better for yourself and the other person.You have some difficult choice’s to make and that’s yours to do. You can’t have the cake and eat it too. You can’t have someone only when it suits you,and make it work satisfactorily for either of you.I know sounds like advice after I said I didn’t have any. Take it for what it is,my random thoughts. All my best to you.
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@Toni. I’m not sure I understand your question? You need what? Do you know what you need? Can I ask when you last drank or used? I’m not sure when you think you hurt people? Because I’m not sure how to even start to answer the incoherent ramblings. But here’s what I can tell you about early sobriety if you rush into a relationship it can do more harm to your recovery than it’s worth. Even if you find one of the apostles that walked with Jesus you run the risk of having emotional problems. There will be nobody that can fix you. People can support you but it’s not worth looking for someone while you are starting recovery because the one you need the most from right now is you!!! It’s hard AF to get comfortable alone but you should try it. If you elaborate on what you need and why you feel you hurt people we might be able to help you more. I can tell you there’s a term used in AA for what I think you are trying to look for. It’s not a good situation and in my opinion it will drag you down several more times if you keep trying to add that “extra” step. Again try to explain what you needing and best wishes. I might not be coming across the nicest but I’m trying to give you solid advice as to not be taken advantage of.
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Last time it was 8 days ago. And yes, the only one I hurt at the end is probably myself by putting me in those situations. It just starts with that bad longing for a Thrill and ends up in pain. You are right. I have to get even with myself. I’m working on it since 2 years now but there are times when I get sad and think I will never be able to connect healthy. I am new in this community and I am happy that I made this step because it will help me to talk to people in bad times. Thanks for your advice.
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I have been separated for three years and for 2 of those I was in active addiction. I spiraled out of control. I have two days shy of eight months. And I can tell you that now looking back at addiction. I hated myself enough to poison myself everyday for 20 years roughly. I’m now pretty comfortable telling people I love myself for the first time in my life. Now I can tell you that you are going to have a hard time finding or feeling love unless you can give it to yourself. I know that we all want to feel love and honesty lust but it’s a very slippery slope in regards to recovery. Because first you might not be strong enough to feel the good stuff happening I could of easily found a reason to drink because I was excited. And I know if I felt hurt I damn sure was going to try to convince myself I needed to numb that. So that’s some of the story but if you get really down to it. What are you looking for? The person to hold your hand as you walk? The one to comfort you when you hurt? The companionship? The physical intimacy? Because if you are fresh in recovery and want to find one person for all of those then guess what that also gives someone the ability to disappoint you. Whether it’s intentional or not it’s bound to happen because for the first time in how long you are naked with feelings. And honestly I told everyone feelings F’ing sucked for months. Really try to put a definition on what you are looking for?
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Being able to make better choices sounds good to me . Thanks for that one and all the best for you too.
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20 years is a long time. Congrats to you that you made the change. For me it’s been 20 years of drinking and drugs in phases too. Worst times lways connected with relationships short and long-term somehow. So I guess it’s time to say goodbye to unhealthy relationships. Get even with myself and hopefully at the end make the better choices. And during that time trying to get messed up at less as I can. Does it always start from zero when I f…k up? I guess it does…
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I certainly don’t think it has to start at zero everytime. I’m at the belief if you learn something it’s not for nothing. Now if you are as hard headed as I was and did the same shit over and over then yes I started at zero a few hundred times. The relationship issue is hard! Just get your feet under you and it gets better.
You need to work on YOU and co dependency