Hi guys. It’s my first time posting here. I’m sorry if this is kind of long. Here’s my background. I was addicted to pornography and other sexual/romantic-related things from about 13 or so until 25, to the tune of losing probably several thousand hours of my life to it, destroying a years-long dating relationship and then severely damaging my marriage, profoundly hurting the women involved, and becoming a confused, anxious, lying and unscrupulous creep who hated himself and couldn’t deal with literally anything difficult in life without using. At 25 I hit rock bottom and had my come to Jesus moment. From that day I’ve been clean 2.5 years straight.
Even though I have been sober so long now, sometimes it feels like my recovery still has so very far to go, and I still have so many of the broken pieces inside. Since I’ve stopped using, I’ve been able to realize so many reasons behind why I did it, and wounds and patterns that go back to my earliest childhood.
Now I want to understand and try to find healing for some of those things, like through therapy or journaling. But I get scared when I start to dig in to the past, because some of the desires are still there and it’s triggering. I don’t want to push this stuff down and never process it, but I don’t want to give myself temptations.
How do you handle stuff like this? Thanks so much for reading and any thoughts.
I have found I need two things: a knowledgeable therapist (one who is familiar with sex addiction recovery paths) and an informed program (the one I used started with the book Facing the Shadow, by Patrick Carnes; that book is meant to be used in a group).
These resources helped me unpack the intimacy deficits and dysfunctions at the core of my sexual acting out.
It is still an ongoing process. As the old expression goes, if it takes years to get into the jungle, it’ll take quite a while to get out (maybe not years and years if you are diligent and focused, but still a long time).
It will open sensitive spots, so you need to be prepared for that. Pad your schedule with some self-care time before and after your sessions; don’t schedule any emotionally heavy stuff (work, family, anything that feels consequential or heavy at times).
You will need to approach it like physiotherapy. When you are recovering from an injury, you be gentle as you build strength gradually, and you schedule rest times before and after your sessions, so you don’t precipitate an injury.
AA for me was free therapy, I’m not experienced in SA but likely it uses the 12 steps program in some shape or form.
WE DON’T REGRET THE PAST NOR CHOOSE TO TURN OUR BACK ON IT.
Step 4 and 5 gives the perfect opportunity to acknowledge our past with a trusted person and look at it from another angle.
You’ve found your god so it will help you through this.
The quickest way to deal with our ghosts is to pass straight through them.
The past cannot touch us now.
I think there’s a lot of wisdom in what you’re saying about taking it slow. I have a tendency to push myself too much/too fast or over-commit sometimes.
Regarding what you said about a program, how important do you think it is to have a group vs working alone from books or one-on-one with a therapist? I’ve been to therapy (not going currently), but never a group. I’ve also read/listened to a lot of resources but can’t say I’ve really worked a defined program. Part of the problem is my wife gets upset any time she knows I’m working on this stuff, because to her that means the problem is still present.
Thanks for the encouragement. What you’re saying about looking at it with a trusted person makes sense as far as kind of processing these things in a “safe” way. Also trusting God and not being afraid. I think I have been predominantly fear-driven for a long time in this process and I think sometimes it’s harmful or just puts a limit on how far I can go in recovery.
When your unsure of your own recovery take a step outside yourself and see what you can do to help others in their recovery instead.
Actually help others anyway, you may have a past others can relate to and here you are - The sober one.
Be the example not the excuse.
One of the things any human has to do to be healthy is live in the real world, not the fantasy world.
I don’t get healthy by ignoring my eating habits. I get healthy by consciously working on my eating habits: learning about them and changing them where necessary (with the support of relevant teammates [family or friends / peers] and professionals, for example nutritionists).
I don’t get healthy by ignoring my sexual habits. I get healthy by consciously working on my sexual habits: learning about them and changing them where necessary (with the support of relevant teammates [sober group peers] and professionals/mentors: therapists, counsellors, sponsors).
Getting healthy is not something you keep secret. Getting healthy doesn’t work if you’re trying to hide it. You waste too much energy hiding, concealing. (Concealing something wastes a lot of emotional and mental energy. That’s the reason lying is such a problem, about anything. It’s a huge waste of energy and attention.)
When I joined my sex addiction sobriety group I spoke with my wife about it and I asked her to join the recovery group for partners, which was being run in the same clinic. I said it was her choice but I said it would mean a great deal to me if she participated. I am immensely blessed that she did. It helped her gain perspective she wouldn’t otherwise have had.
Ultimately it is your wife’s choice whether she wants to join a support group for partners of sex addicts in recovery (for example, S-Anon, or one of the groups listed at the bottom of this post: Resources for our recovery - #64 by NealRecoveryCA), but you need to be clear with her that you are doing this because it is the right thing, it is the human thing, and it is the wise choice for long term health (for you of course, but also for any relationship that matters to you, including your marriage). She may see that or she may not (yet), but she cannot be the deciding factor of whether you work on your health (your sobriety) or not.
There’s a good selection of sexual sobriety recovery groups (for people like you and me, in recovery) in Neal’s post here:
Hello @seekingpeace and welcome here. Congrats on your sober time!
I think your perception regarding being driven by fear is very accurate. It sounds like you have work to do and it must be painful to not be able to do it, because your triggers are lurking and your wife is getting freaked out. But you are denying yourself recovery by not working in yourself, you are in a painful middle spot where you’re not getting worse in your addiction but also not getting better in your soul. It’s right that you want out of there and work on it all!
When my partner was in recovery 6months I could not take his emotional distance any longer. He was sober from lying and acting out but he was not becoming any more approachable, loving, available with me. I could not do it anymore. He was hiding behind his fears, shirking from connection. He did not know he had to fight against his inner drive to avoid and withdraw.
The concept that helped him get it was Intimacy Anorexia and the book of the same title by Dr Doug Weiss. This book came our way and made him see what I was clamouring for. Dr Weiss has a book for spouses aswell called Married and Alone. I think your wife has her own issues she needs to start facing. She sounds stuck in the fear and incredible pain this inflicts on us partners. She’s not living a free life if this topic cannot be discussed and talked about and cried about and joked about even. Integration is key. Hard as it is.
Wish you the best. Get to therapy, get to groups, do what you need to do to get better. Don’t deny yourself this journey.
As simple as I can say, it isn’t a temptation if you process these things. You can have a life where things that triggered you before can hold no sway over you. As Matt and others have advised already, be patient and keep up your work. If it doesn’t help to let your wife know what you’re working on, don’t tell her. You can tell her at the end when you can confidently say that you don’t have a problem anymore.
You’ll get to where you want to be. I believe in you and I know that you’ve got this
Thanks @Liljelly and @Faugxh. I’ve been alone in this process for a long time and it’s nice to just talk about it and get some encouragement. I already feel more confident and calm. Also had a big win yesterday as my wife finally agreed to restart couple’s counseling, which we’ve badly needed but haven’t been to in probably 18 months. So I think things are looking up. I’m going to recommit to working on understanding this stuff not only from my point of view but also hers. And taking it one breath at a time.
Take care everyone. Have a wonderful Friday and weekend.