When making new friends, starting to date and getting to know someone new, how/when do you tell them about past addictions or history of abuse? I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded with great people at my current job and I’ve gone out with them once or twice for dinner or drinks after work recently. I was addicted to opiates for 7 years and my first relationship after was emotionally and physically abusive (he almost killed me). My friends are wonderful and I’ve talked to a few guys they’ve introduced me to. I am afraid to divulge too much of my past too soon(to my friends and/or any potential dates) but I’m also incredibly tired of all the lying that’s gone with my past. I have no idea how to bring up those topics “oah hey, btw I was a heroin addict, one ex died of an overdose, and another ex almost beat me to death”. I’m a fairly private person in general, only 2-3 close family/friends know of my years as a highly functioning addict and even my coworkers think my battered face and broken arm were from a car accident.
Wow you have been through a lot. Look at you, being a survivor, and I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Thank you for creating this topic because I may be in the dating arena again soon.
Part of me thinks I should just lay everything out on the table because “this is me, take it or leave it”, but the other part knows that will immediately scare someone away, and if it doesn’t then maybe they’re just as Codependent as I am and they think they can fix me.
What I have to remember is that I am not my past. Yes it forged me into who I am but if someone likes me for who I am now my past is something we can get to along the way. I definitely wouldn’t put out sensitive info right away in case they want to use it against me. They would have to earn my trust to get my secrets.
So sorry for what you have had to endure . Thank you for sharing your strength is so inspiring. Sharing my story has been incredibly liberating and freeing, however I think you need to be careful about who you share with. Some people will not care about your story or not handle it delicately as they should. There has to be some trust and boundaries first in my opinion, and the setting needs to feel right too. Protect yourself as best you can for now until you feel they are honorable enough to hear your story. You will know when it’s right deep down and heartfelt conversations make people closer to each other- so I do encourage you to share at some point but just make sure it’s right for you ️
In my case…my now girlfriend of 2 years doesn’t really know the nasty details of my past. I pretty much said I used to drink too hard, too often…and that was it. She doesn’t know all the dangerous, scummy, awful shit I used to do. She doesn’t know I used to drink myself to sleep 5 nights a week, and continue on during the day. She doesn’t know I tried to take my own life while under the influence. As a matter of fact, most people I know don’t know that stuff about me, except for the ones who were there for the shitstorm.
As long as she supports me in my goals, especially to not drink, and understands that I am very serious about it – and check both of those off as a “yes, she does” – then I don’t see the point in getting into the gritty details.
What I’m getting at is that it is your choice if you share it at all, and if you opt to do so, how much you share is also your choice. You could just say you had substance abuse issues in the past and now do not use, and leave it at that. Or, you could unload all of it. Try not to put undue pressure on yourself – the most important thing is that you disclose it on your own time (again, if you want to at all), when you feel comfortable with it. If someone chooses to not associate with you anymore because of your history, then it’s their loss. They miss out on getting to know a bad-ass who has been through the ringer and is still here to tell the tale…and is only getting stronger by the day!
We met and then had a month or so of texting and phone conversations before I would agree to a date with him. So during that time I told him frankly that I was a survivor of abuse both in my childhood and in my last relationship before him.
Then I brought it up again shortly before we met after things had gotten a bit frisky and basically said “before anything physical happens I need you to know I am survivor of sexual violence. I don’t typically have flashbacks during sex but if I do this is what they look like and what you can do in response”.
As time went on I told him details a little bit at a time. They’ve come up naturally, like we were doing a project and I had to have him use certian tools that had been used in my abuse. Or when we were out and ran into a police officer who worked the case against my ex.
Take things slow and maintain contact with your support network ️
I am just having a look at the dating area atm And to be honest I won’t tell a guy I meet that I’m an addict. All I’ll tell him first will be that I don’t drink alcohol. When the relationship get’s deeper I think I’ll tell him bit by bit why I don’t drink.
Thank you to everyone who responded! I’ve been sober for a year and 4 months. My last relationship- the abusive one, I absolutely got into way too soon after getting clean. I had been friends with the guy for 2 years… he was actually the first person I admitted my addiction to and he helped push me to get clean and we started dating seriously within about two months of me being sober. Obviously that lasted til the day he put me in the ER which was about six months ago.
Hahaha yea @SmokeyMirror I definitely have moments where I’m like “fuck it” and just wanna lay it all out there cause it’s their loss if they run, but when it comes down to it I doubt I can really be comfortable telling anyone about my addiction except a very significant relationship, and even then I can’t fathom telling them how deep I was in it and some of the fucked up things I did, for anyone who hasn’t lived through any sort of substance addiction it’s impossible for them to understand without judgment.
I think maybe it’s more the abuse that I’m not sure of how or when or if it’s appropriate to tell people about but thank you @anon62920945 for asking your husband how you told him! Lol I feel like it’s definitely something I’ll have to bring up in some form fairly early into talking to someone I was getting to know just because I already have had some situations/triggers where I started to freak out (panic/anxiety i dunno).
One thing that’s started to be more difficult than helpful overtime has been maintaining the lie of what happened with him. I kind of protected him by not telling any one about it at the time(he was arrested and charged but because he had a squeaky clean record up til then he was able to get off with anger management classes and it’ll be expunged from his record). I lied and passed the injuries off as results of a car accident to my friends and coworkers so no one except his siblings and my mom know… I think I was absolutely ashamed initially to admit it to anyone. Over time, (and therapy) I’ve moved on from that feeling of embarrassment about what was done to me, and the lies that I have still had to continue just seem to make me kind of nauseous, like someone brings up my car or I see a client at work and the last time they saw me was 6 months ago with two black eyes and a splint on my nose after having it reset. It makes me angry that I let him hurt me in one more way by making me feel ashamed and continue the need to lie. I’m angry that I’ve lost friends over the breakup (them thinking I was the bitch that left him) and had people ask me how I could leave such an amazing guy, “what happened you two were so great together” and now I just want to pull out my phone and show them a picture of myself from after, which is probably petty of me.
JFC! That is horrifying. Do you think that it is petty to save this guy’s reputation with your friends and coworkers? But in all honesty I can relate to that: hanging on to a lie to protect someone else. In my case it was a childhood friend who was a couple years older who took advantage of me sexually. I was scared of him and thought he was my friend. He still lives around my hometown and my Dad still sees him from time to time. My family doesn’t know what happened because I never have told any of them. So what if I told them the truth? That this guy they hold in high regard abused me sexually and he’s not such a great guy after all. I suppose I’m afraid they’ll think I had some part in it. Like I didn’t say no I don’t want to enough. Like I didn’t run away or tell someone. I was just a kid. I was afraid.
I have worked the 4th step, I’ve let go of the resentment but thinking about that just makes me sad.
@SmokeyMirror I’m so sorry about what happened to you as a child. Anyone who survives that kind of abuse and lives to talk about it, let alone work through the hell the memories bring and still have to deal with your abuser takes incredible strength.
I do think my feelings of wanting to suddenly go from not telling anyone to absolutely just letting the world know is not out of personal fortitude but resentment towards him getting off so easily. I’ve seen posts online from women showing what a guy did to them and making it all public to “let others know theyre not alone”. And it is strange how those things make me feel shitty for not being more open about my own trauma. For instance I could never quite understand how a woman who was raped would rather pretend it didnt happen than go to the police. It’s one of those things that you can always think that you’d be the kind of person that would behave one way, or be strong enough to stand up for yourself but when it actually happens to you the reality is surreal.
And now I’m that chick who had a guy beat the crap out of her and I didn’t want him to go to jail or have his life ruined and suddenly I have a whole new understanding for men and women who have been traumatized and struggled with the decision of what to do after.
Fuck. If I could write a letter to myself 10 years ago. Lol.
One of the reasons I try not to give advice on something until I’ve actually been there. It’s so easy to just say “well do this or that” to someone, thinking I’ve got the right answer when the reality is, I don’t know what it’s like. I think there’s enough people out there giving their inexperienced advice that I don’t need to be a part of it. Thank you for sharing your story, for being honest and for helping me realize that I am not alone. ️
I can only speak from my experiences here, but Survivorhood is a part of my life where I often feel like everyone has an opinion and I’m always wrong. Examples like: You should have pressed charges. We’re still talking about it, can’t you just get over it? Why are you so angry? Why aren’t you angrier? Why aren’t you angry at this other person? Don’t you feel like this is bad press for (insert marginalized demographic of my abuser)? When I speak out, it’s one of the things I stress the most: if people want to be allies, they listen to those in the community. We are diverse and have diverse needs.
My story of survivorhood is very unique and quite brutal which is why I’m often asked to speak about it. People struggle hearing it. Sometimes I need to tell people about what happened and it makes me feel better, sometimes I don’t. It’s day by day and depends on who I’m talking to. My friends who have known me the longest can tell stories about times when I let it define me; times I needed to tell everyone.
My point in all of this is that my advice is do what you need to do(aside from your DOC, I’m not advocating for relapse). Your needs will change and they’re all OK! Shout it out if you need to! Write about it. Get involved in your local community if you think that could help. Read about it. Make art about it. Turn in toward yourself on the days you need to do that. It’s all ok, it’s your process, you get to decide what you need. I’m so glad you survived and are here with us ️
. Thank you for sharing your strength is so inspiring. Sharing my story has been incredibly liberating and freeing, however I think you need to be careful about who you share with. Some people will not care about your story or not handle it delicately as they should. There has to be some trust and boundaries first in my opinion, and the setting needs to feel right too. Protect yourself as best you can for now until you feel they are honorable enough to hear your story. You will know when it’s right deep down and heartfelt conversations make people closer to each other- so I do encourage you to share at some point but just make sure it’s right for you 
️
And to be honest I won’t tell a guy I meet that I’m an addict. All I’ll tell him first will be that I don’t drink alcohol. When the relationship get’s deeper I think I’ll tell him bit by bit why I don’t drink.
and now I just want to pull out my phone and show them a picture of myself from after, which is probably petty of me.
