The bad: Husband had a relapse again last night. We have been having marital issues for a few years now. I told him (calmly), that I was going to therapy also to help get over my anger & resentment towards him and try to find those feelings I once had for him. I chose to end the not-so- pleasant conversation by going to bed and apparently he chose to go out and get wasted. I mean, WASTED (which I had no clue about until he came into the bedroom verbally abusing me, trying to force himself on me).
LONG story short, I had to call the police on him, twice. He was verbally abusive to the cops. At one point I thought he would be tased. He called me every horrible name under the sun, spat on me twice, tried to punch his dad (who police called to come over and calm him down) - this was all outside in front of our neighbors in our cul-de-sac. He was not arrested since his dad agreed to stay with me and my two young sons (who were trying to sleep upstairs) during all of this. This went on for about 5 hours.
This was a HUGE reminder of why I choose to be sober today and so grateful for my sobriety. I’m hoping this was his (finally) rock bottom. If even half of this had happened to me, my anxiety, embarrassment and shame would’ve made me jump in front of a bus this morning! Omg.
I have no idea what to do. Give him another chance to prove he can overcome this? “Don’t kick him while he’s down” type thing?When is enough enough? These situations are extremely confusing & difficult when there are young kids involved.
Hopefully soon I’ll have some uplifting posts instead. Just going through a rough time right now. Thankfully my sobriety hasn’t been triggered yet, which blows my mind, all things considered.
Thanks again for listening. Coming on here today has already helped.
I am going to lean toward “No” on this. There is no reason he needs to stay while he is proving he can be better. Humans do have a tendency to get away with what they can get away with. He knows you’re sober and he chose not to stay sober. Last night he put his drinking ahead of your welfare and that of your children.
If the kids see or saw all of that, there are years of psychological crap they’ll deal with. Why risk that?
I am so sorry.
I have zero experience or knowledge or words of wisdom. But I wanted to say I have read your post a couple of times and my heart goes out to you and your children. I’m hoping others will have constructive comments for you.
Take care of you and your kids.
What a horrible experience for you all.
Unfortunately, he may not remember any of it and actively reject much of what is told to him about what actually happened. Good that his father came to not only keep you and your children safe, but to act as a second witness to his behaviour - a witness he can’t so easily ignore. Was any of the abuse recorded in any way? In the right moment it may help if he sees himself as others did. Rarely do we think of ourselves as that crazy drunk.
Wishing you all the best.
Keep safe.
Over the Christmas holidays I had a few beer and got into a argument with my gf. She ended up calling the cops and I ended up arrested for domestic abuse. I have never laid a finger on anyone. But she slapped me and my reflexes went up and I grabbed her. So needless to say I spent my holidays trying to find somewhere to sleep as I was not allowed to be home. My gf is moving out and I am almost 3 weeks sober now. I am hoping even with my support not living with me I can stay sober for us and myself to live a healthier life
I don’t really know enough about your relationship to know if there is anything worth saving. But I hope whichever way it goes you are able to set a firm boundary that if he wants to see you or the kids then he can’t drink. That would be the priority. You don’t need the answers straight away, I doubt it will be a straightforward choice. But you do need to ensure the safety of you and your children
I’m so sorry to hear that you went through this experience, but very glad that you stayed sober. I, too, had a husband (now ex husband) that would get abusive, aggressive and violent when drinking - often he was blacked out during it. Despite all the promises the next day, it would inevitably happen again. My best advice is to keep yourself and your kiddos safe and focus on your sobriety. In the interests of keeping yourself and the kids safe, I wonder whether he able to go stay somewhere else in the short term whilst he figures out if he is willing to get help and do the work necessary to stay sober and deal with underlying anger. And I hope that you talk to a therapist and other support agency about these issues - it took me a long time to deal with the fallout from my abusive alcoholic relationships. Sending you strength and courage.
This is an awful situation to be in, please do what is best for u and your kids ,tbh if the police were called for him bring abusive,you will most probably get a visit from social services,or a call ,don’t panic but as kids are involved in such a voitile situation,I’d say get yourself some space to think if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in and have your kids around I wish you all the strength you need .stay sober for you and your kids your being such a great mum and role model.xxx
That is so horrible for you to go through; my heart is sad reading that… Congratulations on being/staying sober lady!
My two cents; I agree with all that has been said; especially the part about it scarring your kids. I grew up seeing incredibly violent fights between my parents and the onto us kids… I know it affected me ALOT as a person, not in a good way either.
And YOU deserve to live without that. Let him go get his shit together… that was the end of the road as for him until he makes changes. Let this be his bottom; his wake up call. Stay safe and diligent; don’t let emotions cloud reality.
Congratulations on staying sober. You’ve gone (are going) through something so inherently unstable, yet you are making positive choices in the areas you can control: your own mental health and your sobriety. Your children are lucky to have you.
I used to be married to a narcissist with a whole host of addictions. It took me a long time to recover from the emotional instability that was my “normal.” The more I focused on keeping my boundaries in place and practicing self-care, the better life became for me and my child.
Sometimes I do wish I had left earlier, if only to spare my kid from living through so much of it. She’s doing okay now, but it’s been a tough road.
If there’s a way for you to give you and your kids more stability, that seems like the best choice.
So sorry you have to go through this. Just remember: it does get better.
Thanks so much to all of you for the caring words and advice. I will definitely be talking to my therapist about this on Wed. I will do my best to stay positive and strong in order to make some much needed changes in my life.
That sounds absolutely terrible. I am in awe you sound so calm in your post. Only you can make a decision about your marriage, but a temporary break might be an option, something that is not necessarily permanent, but allows you time to think what u want permanently.
I sound calm in my post because unfortunately this isn’t the first time he’s acted like this, or the cops being called. I’m just mentally drained/numb to it all anymore. Another reason to get me & my kids away from this situation.
No one can decide what is best for you and your kids besides you. Just look closely at the standards you are setting for yourself and being modeled by your children. Are they high enough?
