Husband misses me drinking

Emotional Support
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Reading your story all I can say is communication is key (as in all). You can explain very well here why you quit drinking (congrats on 10 months of sobriety!). I totally understand why you’re so hurt by your husband’s remark. Maybe it’s time to have a good talk with him and explain why you did and why you feel this has to be forever? And that you want and need to find other ways of connecting and doing stuff together, without the drinking involved?

Again, open and honest communication is key here I feel. From both sides. That way you can both work on a solution. Wishing you all success, I think you’re absolutely on the right road choosing sobriety for yourself. And welcome to Talking Sober, glad to have you aboard!

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Congratulation on 10 months! You state very clear why you stopped drinking. I can assure you: you are a wonderful, interesting, kind, dedicated person. alcohol changes behaviours so yes, there for sure something fell away. For sure NOT your authentic funny, lovely sides!

As @Mno said: communication is key.
Of course your husband misses his drinking buddy when you say this was your together alone time. Of course this is a major change and he starts to realize it’s not only “a break”. This is changing his life too. Humans feel comfy in habits and changes are hurtful, even good changes. That’s human, not a personal thing.
Keep your sobriety first. Talk about how you feel. Encourage your husband to share how he feels. Maybe try out some new ways to spend alone time together without alcohol? A play night? New communication styles like he says -she says? Many nice options to spend quality time together without booze.
Sending you good vibes :cherry_blossom:

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Congratulations on your ten months and making the decision to stop.
I agree with all the comments.
Drinking has been so normalized that it’s ridiculous. It’s not normal. And people’s behavior does change. I don’t like to be around people who are drinking. I don’t like the change in the behavior. Don’t think it’s cute. I don’t think it’s witty or elegant or fun or anything else. I’m not a fuddy dud either.
Your husband misses his drinking partner. He could always join you not drinking.
You have children and you’re doing the right thing, not drinking. Not only for yourself but also for them.
I don’t think you’re doubting yourself. I think you’re just feeling bad because of what he said, I’m sorry for what he said, I’m proud of you for, again, making the decision to stop and stopping.

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Congratulations for your 10 months! I can 100% relate. My wife, who i would call a normal drinker, misses me as her drinking buddy. I never would have expected that when i stopped, as i thought it does not make a difference, if i for example have a NA beer or an alcoholic beer. After a while she accepted it, but still she would like me to go back. Same as you i dint think anyone realized how much my daily thinking was around when i can start to drink. But not only my wife, everybody around tries to offer drinks and hopes that i go back to the old one, who was having a drink with everybody. After a while i got used to this and dont care anymore. I believe it was getting better after a year or so, when i had passed all the events like christmas, birthdays etc… In the meantime i believe everybody has accepted it, which really seemed to be more difficult for them but for me :blush:

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Welcome!! And congratulations on your 10 months. You story sounds very similar to mine in how you drank, except for me as the years wore on and my tolerance increased, I would sometimes fight with my husband. Kind of like blackout, you never knew when it was coming and often it was when blackout. My mental health was an absolute shambles, seriously crippling and anxiety ridden. I am so grateful to be sober.

But yes, my husband definitely missed his drinking and drug partner. Our relationship started with us being drinking buddies and revolved around hosting parties and visiting friends and drinking and partying. It was a HUGE adjustment for us both.

My husband was supportive as well, but didn’t really understand how bad it was for me until I had opened up more and let him know. I had to get really real with him. He likely still misses the so called fun drunk Sassy…but not the angry drunk Sassy nor the depressed wish I was dead Sassy.

It is such a change in our relationship for both of us. And yes, I am definitely not like I used to be …wacky out of control dancing the night away (falling down, blacking out, laying in bed for days, etc). It is hard when one person makes such a big change and the other doesn’t. We don’t socialize the same anymore and that is hard. I don’t want to sit up all night having a conversation with a drunk person.

So yes, I get it. For myself, I have to hold close to how proud I am of myself because it has taken so much to get where I am. Yes, I am a different person now and that is a positive. I love and respect myself. I care about what I put into my body and mind. I don’t live with the debilitating self hate and self talk. I was on a road to death and I am not anymore (well, we all are, but I am not actively pursuing death).

Finding activities to enjoy together…hiking, walks, bicycling, road trips…doing it together and sober has been a lot of fun. I am not sure my husband will ever fully get what sobriety means to me and for me that is okay. I know how important it is for me.

Sorry so long…you are not alone. Believe in yourself. :heart:

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Hi @HCF and welcome :wave:

I haven’t been in your situation personally but I have read many stories of people here on Talking Sober who have been in that situation or a similar one. You are definitely not alone.

Stick to it. Keep learning, keep reaching out for sober contacts and sober learning, and you’ll find what you need. Remember this journey is about you, not him. It is almost certain that you will hear things from him that will feel thoughtless or hurtful, and it definitely sucks to hear those things :cry: but they are actually about him, not you. It’s him in the place where he is. He doesn’t understand the place you are, or at least, he doesn’t understand it in the same way you do. It hurts sometimes but it is one of those things which is outside our control.

Eric has a really good thread you would find relevant to your experience - have a look:

Are you affected by a loved one who’s an addict?

Take care and don’t give up. You’re a good person and you deserve a life where you can be your full self, perfectly imperfect, not running, not escaping: present for yourself and the people you love.

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Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I agree definitely need to pick a moment to really open up and be more honest about my reasoning and feelings around it all 🫶🏻

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Thank you for sharing your personal experience with this, I would also consider my husband to be a ‘normal drinker’ so I suppose it’s hard for him to fully understand especially when I haven’t been totally transparent about my feelings surrounding it all. And yes with time it will become more and more normal, I’ve been quite fortunate that the majority of people around me have actually just completely accepted it, some of my friends I think are actually becoming a bit sober curious. I think it has caused some of them to think more seriously about their drinking which is always a wise thing to do. Glad to hear you’ve been so strong at turning down the drinks!

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It’s so true when you say he probably misses the fun drunk, but not the angry or depressed. We do this ourselves in romanticising drinking, but you can’t just have the good bits of drinking it comes with all the bad bits too. I’m sure as my husband says he misses drinking with me, he doesn’t miss pouring me into a taxi on a night out, or having to give me constant positive affirmations the following day because I’m full of self loathing. Thank you for such honest and kind support :heart:

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Thank you, I love your last words. It sums up completely why I don’t want to go back to drinking. I just honestly feel like I’ve ticked that box and have some great memories and now it’s time to move on. Thank you for the suggestion I’ll check it out :+1:t2:

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So very true. :people_hugging:

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You’re so right! Drinking is not normal! It’s not how we’re supposed to exist as humans, I kind of hate that we’ve been taught for so long that it is! I’m really looking forward to my children growing up seeing me enjoy life without feeling the need to enhance, numb out or drown any feelings in a substance. Il still getting used to ‘sitting’ with feelings and letting them naturally ride out. I’ve not really done that my entire adult life.

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This is also that i am very proud of, that my children will never see me drinking or drunk. Unfortunately the society is always promoting that it is quite normal to drink on every occasion. Hopefully they wont take it as normal

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This is a big thing for sure. Learning that our feelings won’t destroy us and that they really do come and go if we allow them. It takes time and healing for sure. You are on the right path.

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So true. I used to just “fall” into bed at night, sleeping without any dreams until the alarm bell rings. Now i tend to take some time until i can fall asleep, often thinking through what happened that day etc or even lying awake a couple of hours because of issues with the family, work etc… Even though i dont like not sleeping, i have to admit that to a certain extend i do like it, because you really work the issue and mostly the next day i feel ok, even with just a little sleep

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You are more tolerant of your night time musings than I am. I have yet to get to a place where I don’t somehow turn it into worry. I will try to remember your post next time I ruminate at bedtime. :slightly_smiling_face:

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I’m in a very similar situation with my hubby but not as far into my sobriety as you. (Congrats on 10 months!)
I appreciate this thread a lot - great advice from you all.

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I’m SO glad you posted this… this is where I am too. It’s very hard on weekends when the grill is lit and music flows through the house not to drink. I have failed countless times. Looks like we have a lot support here to help keep us strong. I also miss the old dancing around the house with my hubby. I think my moves weren’t as cool as I thought though. 10 months is incredible and I would be so proud to make it. Thank you for this post. Now I’m not feeling so sad🩵

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Thank you for the link!!:face_holding_back_tears:great help!!!

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Congratulations on your first month sober. This was the hardest for me. It will get easier!