Quick trigger warning for mentions of child sexual abuse and violence/accidental death
I was sexually abused as a child. They (my abusers) would force me to abuse/rape the other kids there. One time, as instructed, I had my hands around the neck of a 3 year old (I was 4 at the time). I didn’t know what I was doing or that people could die from that and she did. I felt her pulse stop. I fucking hate myself for what I did back then. She’s dead because of me. I killed an innocent child. I can see her in my dreams and she taunts me and insults me, asking why I got out and she didn’t. She calls me a monster and a killer and so many awful names. She’s right. I used to drink to cope but I’m sober now (almost 2 months) and it sucks. I’m remembering everything I’ve been running from. I see a therapist regularly for ptsd and I’ve told her about the nightmares and what I did. Surprisingly she didn’t hate me. She said she’s sorry I had to endure that. And that it’s my guilt haunting me not that kid, because she would probably haunt our abusers instead and not me. So I’m getting help for it but uts been a rough few weeks and I haven’t spoken about it until this past month. I shared about it very briefly in a meeting and with my sponsor and everyone has been so kind. It was 16 years ago and it’s still so vivid. Anyways I just want to maybe forgive myself someday. I don’t think I deserve forgiveness, I feel like feeling this shitty and haunted by her is what I deserve. So yea any advice or comfort would be great right now. Sorry I rambled on so long and I’m sorry it got so dark. I’m just in a bad place.
My advice would be to look at children that age and see for yourself. Could they be to blame if what happened to you would happen to them? I understand you feel very guilt and it’s absolutely horrifying what happened. You need to work on developing compassion for yourself from the outside in, by putting someone else in your position, in your mind.
I wish you all the best. And I am very happy to hear you’re two months sober. That’s the only way you will ever be able to become happier. Much love.
That is such an awful thing to bear. In your head you know that at 4 you did not have the self-awareness, or in that situation, the control, to be at all at fault. I am glad you are getting expert help with this, because that is what is needed. I have no idea what I could possibly say to comfort you. I wish you peace
I’m glad you’re here and are sober. As much as you can, go forward.
An accident happened. You can’t undo it. You can try to live with it the best that you can. At some point have the compassion to yourself to forgive yourself. It wasn’t your fault.
Keep checking in. Hugs.
I think you do. And I think everyone else in this whole world think you do.
But now you have to see/feel that for yourself and I guess that takes time and therapy.
Glad you are sober to work towards a better life.
You deserve one!
So sorry you have to have endure such traumatic stuff at such young age
You absolutely deserve forgiveness, and more than that, you deserve amends for what you were forced to endure. You are a victim in that situation, not the aggressor, and the longer you keep hating yourself for what you were forced to do, the longer you let your abusers continue to hurt you. You are incredibly brave to seek therapy, to commit to sobriety, and face this head on like you are doing. Have you sought justice from your abusers for these crimes? Maybe seeing the right people get the blame might shift your thinking so you can see you were a child and a victim, and the wrong person (you) is paying the price of shouldering this despair. I am glad you’re here and you posted. I am so sorry this happened to you.
I am in no way qualified to make a statement like this but I will tell you what I believe: I just know 4 year olds have no concept of morality. The Hitler youth were not subject to the Nuremberg judgements. The obligation to refuse unjust orders is just not enforceable on 4 year old children, and probably because (hopefully a expert on the brain here can verify this) you’re just not in control of your hypothalamus at that point which plays a central role in aggressive behavior. Since 4 year olds look to adults for behavior and significance imprinting, I’d say those acts were not done by you but instead done through you. I hope that helps, it’s how I read your situation and I don’t think you’re a monster. I really believe the fact that you’re in as much grief is your best indication of that as well, psychopaths generally do not experience bereavement for their actions like this. Especially as an adult who understands free will in reference to a time where indeed no free will could have possibly been executed without coercion and ingratiation. Good luck, I sincerely hope you get better.
First of all, no one should have to endure the trauma you have. My therapist told me that often times our brain stops emotionally developing at the age when a major trauma has happened. Not to say that your brain “stopped developing” but that the trauma has caused lasting physical damage to your brain and you have been in “fight or flight mode” ever since that happened to you.
I am so glad you are seeking professional help. Please be gentle with yourself, you are NOT a monster, the “people” who abused you are and you are not responsible for what happened to you or for what happened to that other child. I am so sorry that you have had to endure this nightmare, but i am so proud of you for trying to pull yourself thru as well. Things will get better, with time.
My abusers are deceased. Its how i got out. Her father was killed in prison for what he did to her and her sister, my abuser died by self inflicted gunshot wound which i witnessed. Unfortunately theres nothing i can do against them now.
I am so sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard this was and is to endure. From what you described, I hope it helps that I don’t see you as a horrible monster. Quite the opposite. I see you as someone incredibly brave who survived impossible horrors and who, instead of letting the darkness in, chooses to fight for a good, healthy life.
Damm i have been on this app for quite a while and this is hands down the heaviest thing I have ever read. I can’t imagine how horrible that must be for you.
I am not at all qualified or experienced to comment on such a traumatic experience. But if you are not already, please see a therapist because no person deserves to live with that sort of trauma haunting them. You deserve to find peace with the knowledge you did nothing wrong. You were a child with no real autonomy or control.
Im less angry at myself now. The nightmares still happen but im working through the guilt a lot. Mostly im angry at our abusers who made me do that to her. I do art therapy with a trauma specialist and im going to post a piece i did about after it happened.