I almost relapsed tonight. Afraid I might soon

I spent the last 4 hours debating with myself, stressing and arguing with my mind if I really wanted to do this. I literally did nothing but sit there and sweat it out as the day went past me. I decided I did not want to. But a part of me is worried that when I wake up tomorrow this will not pass and I might give in next time.

My sober time stats:

Weed: 1 month, 22 days
Other drugs: 1 month, 19 days
Sex: 1 month, 18 days
Cigarettes: 7 days

The thing I most crave right now is weed. I’ve been drinking for a few days now and I hate drinking and it’s caused liver pain, but I just wanted to not feel sober. I know I can stop drinking but I don’t know if I can stop smoking, so I used it as a substitute and having felt not sober, I am more inclined to get back to weed. My life is so drab and boring without it. Everything is dull. I am so much less happy without it. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

My grandparents are very sick, they just moved to nursing homes and talking to my grandpa who keeps telling me he wants to die and my grandma with her Alzheimer’s is the most depressing thing I have dealt with in a long time. I am having a hard time dealing with it on my own.

Don’t do it. If your able to contemplate it…choose not to. So you don’t have to start over a trillion times like meeee


Ive read your posts for a while. You seem to get really bad paranoid health scares that arent real. Do you think that can be weed paranoia? Dont know just asking…maybe give yourself more time. It can stay in your system for a month.


Going through something similar with my grandma. It’s difficult, but there is no way they would want their lives negatively impacting yours. If anything, you should stay sober in light of what is going on.

Your recovery needs to include things that make you happy, if everything seems dull, brighten it up with things you enjoy. Start gardening, kickboxing, yoga…something to occupy your time while giving you a release.

Life is simple, enjoy it while you can.


@BlazingPegasus You say you don’t know if you can quit weed… but you have. You have been clean for 1 month 22 days. Keep staying strong. But I sincerely think you are playing with fire by bringing alcohol into your recovery. You said it your self, having now felt not sober on alcohol has made you crave weed more.


@saved797 I’m just so stressed out and I desperately want to escape.

@Marcus I’m not sure, I feel like I have always been this way to some extent. Are you saying its the weed paranoia behind my liver pain? Because I believe that pain is legitimate. But it feels like the weed actually makes me less paranoia, maybe I’m wrong. I’m not sure.

@Success I have severe depression, I can not get up to do things I think I enjoy. That’s one of the reasons I feel like I need to smoke because it makes those things interesting again.

@justbreathe77 well I’m done with the alcohol because of the weed pain. But yes not being sober is making me want to break. I don’t know I just want a break from sobriety, I can’t take the stress and depression right now. It helps immediately.

How bad do you want sobriety…from everything? Abstaining isn’t enough. Be willing to make positive changes and ask for help.


@Melrm I thought I was ready for it and lately I’m not sure anymore, all the other stuff I am abstaining from are hard enough. Maybe I quit too many things at once.

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I think that’s probably the case. When I quit alcohol and drugs, I thought I was ready to quit smoking as well. I felt bat sh $# crazy when I tried to quit. Sobriety comes first before everything. The alcohol may be causing the anxiety. Maybe slow it down and get your bearings as to what you choose to quit. Put them in order of importance. There’s no finish line with sobriety so go easy.

@Melrm I stopped drinking yesterday as it was hurting my liver but before that I had only drank for a few days, I don’t even like drinking. It may have added to the anxiety but I had anxiety anyway. I’m going to be so disappointed in myself and hate myself if I can’t keep my sobriety on weed going too. I was doing pretty well too, outside of the first couple weeks, and the past week, the weeks in between I was totally fine and it just came back. I think it’s important for me to quit all my habits but the weed one I’m not sure I am so ready yet. I am stressing out about if I should do it or not, I’ve wasted so many hours the past couple days just thinking about what I’m going to do.

Have you thought of going to any meetings? I know I say this in my posts a lot. But if it weren’t for me hitting meetings, surrounding myself with sober people, and working a program, I wouldn’t be where im at today… For me getting sober was more than just putting the substances down. I use to use weed as a substitute because I just didn’t think I could be without everything. But I started using weed, hell and drinking, who am I kidding, as much as I could. Bad things started to happen all over again. I started to depend on something everyday again. And that’s just not what I wanted. So I had to do something different! I put all mood and mind altering substances down and started going to meetings. I got a sponsor and started working the steps. I’m active in service work. This not only gives me something to do everyday, but it helps get me outside of my own head. I can be the first person to drive myself crazy! I start thinking crazy ideas are actually ok, but when I say that shit out loud, it’ sounds crazy lol. Sounds like your going through a lot and need some support…


@Courtney_Smith I did try going to meetings a couple years ago and the stories made me miserable and I felt like a complete outsider with my social anxiety. Everyone was already friends with each other and I was just some random guy. Never got a sponsor or made a single friend. I tried a couple different locations, was the same thing. And I hated hearing the stories, it did not uplift me or make me feel better about my life, it made me miserable and made me not want to go every time I went.

Isn’t your sobriety mainly from weed?

It seems like you’ve hit a rough patch in your recovery. Do you have any techniques to help with your anxiety?

In recovery it’s important to begin a new lifestyle, otherwise you’re just whiteknuckling until your relapse.

Weed is not the answer for what is going on with you, if you can figure out what is creating this tension, you can begin to mitigate it.

Good luck man, if you need any help I’m here for you.


@BlazingPegasus I know the struggle is freaking real buddy! Do you have another sober addict person in ur life that you can talk to? Do you attend meetings? That may help to go to one, just saying. Oh and as cliche as it may sound, maybe try to journal how you r feeling, that way when you make it thru how you r feeling right now, you will b able to reflect on how you r feeling and what was going on and realize D*mn I made it thru that…I am stronger than I thought! I know how you feel tho and I gotta admit this absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my 38 years!


Hello mate I see your struggling a bit tonight how you doing still getting the using thoughts

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I mean it doesn’t sound like you actually gave it an actual try. You never found a sponsor. You didn’t build a support group. You didn’t read any literature, from what you’ve responded. I started going to one fellowship, and it was how you described it, clicky and horror stories. My suggestion would be to go to a different fellowship. Hell, what do you have to lose? Give it a chance, go to meetings everyday for one month and tell me you didn’t hear something you could relate to. Look for similarities rather than differences. If I would have gave up on meetings bc of those reasons, I wouldn’t have found AA and I wouldn’t be where im at today. I did NA for 4 years before going to AA. I got a sponsor, someone who could guide me. Because I had nobidea how to stay sober, let alone live sober and have some fun… If you want to stay sober, you’ll give it a try… What do you have to lose?

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@Success I don’t have very many tactics to help with my anxiety but I can handle anxiety, just not when it gets this bad and I am desperate to get high again. This feeling of need is not something I am used to and am having a hard time coming to grips with it. It is hard for me to change my lifestyle as I am going through severe chronic depression and the dysthymia that comes with it sucks all joy out of life, even for things I thought I enjoyed. I am taking medication for it and seeing a therapist. I am not advocating for weed use, but it did help with those symptoms for sure.

@Darren86 Hey Darren, yeah I am still getting the thoughts, I even drove to the parking lot of the weed shop before I headed back home without going inside. I feel myself inching closer and closer. It is hard.

@Courtney_Smith You are right however I did read the literature, not all of it, but I do have the book. I tried two different fellowships (if by fellowships you mean totally different groups in different locations, but they were all under the same banner of NA). The reason I never found a sponsor and just feel like I did not belong is because of my social anxiety. When I went I did hear things I could relate to. I just did not find the use of hearing those things as they made me dread going and left me often feeling depressed after.

@Oliverjava thank you very much for that list. The past few days I have been trying to keep the goals in my mind and keep repeating them back to myself. Some of those things like changing my lifestyle and gaining new hobbies is very hard for me due to my chronic depression. Lately I have substituted drug use with eating. As for talking to it about friends, one friend is also going through what I am going through she told me not to vent to her about it. And earlier today my best friend told me the same thing. As for the action plan I am a bit worried if I do it I will give myself an excuse to relapse. I will try to keep as much of that in mind as I can, thank you very much for the giant list it was very helpful.

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You are going to make it through this. I believe in you.

As someone also affected by depression and anxiety, I can relate, and want to commend you for going to several meetings in different locations. That’s an effort I can’t imagine for myself. You are strong.

I apologize if the following is unwelcomed here. If so, please tell me and I’ll edit it out. Have you considered adult ADD? Obviously it’s something to speak to a doctor about, but it might be worth reviewing a symptom checklist. Guess I felt like I could hear a bit of myself in your posts. Was diagnosed seven months ago, and while life is no cakewalk, it helped tremendously with my anxiety and depression.

That said, still had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, so it wasn’t some miraculous cure.

Can’t offer much on the weed front, as I take CBD oil before bed to manage inflammation, back pain, lifelong insomnia, etc. I view it as sacred medicine. However, my boyfriend can’t touch or be around any form of weed without abusing it. I understand how differently it can affect people.

When you crave it, ask yourself how abusing weed to escape will make anything better. You know that fleeting feeling of scratching the itch will only escalate to needing more. You deserve a real solution to managing your health.

You’re not alone in this. There is a healthy way of managing your anxiety and depression that works for you out there (even if/when it doesn’t feel like it), and there is no shame in seeking medical support. It takes strength, and I know you have it in you because you’re here.