I am so lost. Husband and I have been struggling with this marriage since before we even said “I do”…we have been in really intense arguments. I finally gave up and told him I’m not participating in arguing because it changes nothing. He was upset that I said I’m numb and lost my desire to even argue with him. Honestly, it feels like my spirit has died. I don’t feel any motivation to do anything and I hate waking up everyday. He has tried to do nice things, but I can tell he is angry or annoyed with me most times. I just can’t figure it out, it seems like I’m always the villain.
I’ve been sober since July of this year, but every moment it becomes so much more difficult to just not give in and buy scotch. I’m just in so much pain, and the worst part is that I’m alone in dealing with it. My family takes his side, he thinks I’m seeking attention, and his family has the worst opinions of me because I stood up to them when they started to treat me poorly when we were planning the reception. There’s no one I can go to, and each second I’m craving alcohol like I did in summer 2017.
I don’t know what to do and I haven’t been able to go out because I don’t know when I’ll cave, I just know that I probably will even though I know I shouldn’t. I just hate this all.
He is saving for therapy so he can be on medication for his bipolar disorder before we begin couples therapy. I’m in law school and am not allowed to work for a year, so it’s taking a whole to have enough money for him to see a psychiatrist. But we will be going around March 2019 for sure. That way he will hopefully be evened out on medication, and I can afford to be on medication for depression. We think it’s best for us, individually, to be leveled out before seeing a marital counselor.
Law school can be pretty intense and is not always relationship friendly. What year are you? What about seeing a counselor on campus to help you with the stress? Schools are usually pretty good for that.
I suggest the book called Stop Walking in Eggshells. It is meant to help people in relationships with someone who has borderline personality disorder, but my mom’s therapist recommended it to me to help me cope with dealing with her. Try to remember that while you have your own issues, he has a mental illness that severely affects his mind in a different way. Also, while having Bipolar Disorder explains certain behaviors, it does not excuse the behaviors (same with alcoholism and addiction). Him being unmediated is SO HARD. I truly know. But he doesn’t need to be medicated to go to therapy with you. And a therapist can prpbably help him get meds faster and cheaper than waiting until you think you have the money for it. If you live by a college with a psychology department, call their dept president and get on a waiting list. It is a lot cheaper than a normal therapist if you don’t have insurance. They are students who have to have clinical hours (as with nursing and med school) to get their licensure. They do the therapy under the dept head’s supervision. And it is good therapy!
I’m a first year law student. I’d like to, but they only have a temporary one who is there part-time…and her availability doesn’t coincide with mine, which sucks. But I’ve found different ways to help get through not speaking with her, it’s just that lately husbands bipolar disorder has been worsening and a rapid rate, while my depression feels like it’s draining what little life/determination that I have left. I definitely need to be on meds, as well as he does, but we just can’t afford it and won’t be able to for a few months. We have maybe $5 remaining at the end of each month…and the nearby options are not as helpful as they’d like to be. There’s so much to this, I don’t like to burden others with it. But I’ll just say it’s incredibly difficult to see an on-site counselor, let alone any others in the area. They do have a good AA for lawyers, but I haven’t looked into it yet because I got REALLY behind in my studies when my relationship kinda hit the fan.
Take care. Just don’t drink. That will not solve any problems.
Try to do something nice for yourself every day. Keep getting up every morning. Take a shower or bath to soothe yourself. You will get thru this. It’s an inside job.
Sorry things are so tough. I like your refusal to argue with him anymore though I know that response can really piss off other people sometimes. I agree with Benedictine that you need to focus on you right now. And AA sounds like a great option for you for now.
Does your law school have a night school program— which would enable you to work and ease up some of the financial strain? That’s what I did. I could not afford to be a full time student and so I went at night. I loved law school though I work with many lawyers who did not. Are you enjoying it? Is it worth continuing for you? If so, prioritize it and prioritize your sobriety.
I know that you know that drinking won’t help your studies, your relationship, your finances or your mental health. Keep your eyes on the prize— which is you, a healthy you. Set your goal and get there.
Congrats on maintaining your sobriety. Don’t sabotage yourself and throw that away. It’s hard now but things will get better. Know that you’re not alone. Try the AA meetings for support.
Sounds a little thing but count on my poor prayers. Drinking never will help you in this situation but with that stress the cravings are so normal. You have done so good sober work until now. Don’t give up my friend
What year are you? What about seeing a counselor on campus to help you with the stress? Schools are usually pretty good for that.