I had to check now the first time I posted a message her. That was october last year. I remember I had to go “all in” and wait until I had reached day 3 of being sober until I felt I could say that I was on the right path. I believe I had a few good weeks, and then it got worse. I am almost afraid of having completed sober days or weeks, it always seems to hit even harder afterwards. I have been waiting for months now to write here. But as last time, I wanted to wait until after three days sober. That day has not yet come and I just dont know anymore what to do with myself. I have tried to understand what happens when I have to drink. Well, the last conclusion I had is that “every cell in my body screams for alcohol”. How can my brain resist that? Even my body seems like it is falling apart, I often wake up with pain in hips and albows, it is getting worse and worse. I just dont know anymore. I am in the beginning of my 40’s. I should not wake up every other day, not remembering how I got to bed. Seeing a plate beside my bed, not knowing what I ate before i passed out. All I know is that I want to enjoy an evening with alcohol, and the thought of never experiencing that again seemes to scare me more than all the health issues that are coming and more than all guilt I feel for family. Surprisingly enough, nobody knows. And I dont want anybody to know. I feel that if I had to give up alcohol, I woul have to replace it with something. Otherwise, I would go mad. I need something to give me…something. Hard to explain, but you may know what I mean. Well, finally I got the nerve to write about how I feel. And I admire everybody who admits to having a problem, and who keeps working on the hard struggle it is of being sober. Hope to join you soon!
Oh how I feel for you and completely understand where you’re coming from. I was in that place for a very long time. I so so so understand 
Think about it though. Do you truly enjoy it? Maybe the first drink or two, but then when you can’t stop, you’re not really enjoying what you can’t remember, right? The next day you feel like total ass, so what do you do? You look at the drink next to the bed that you didn’t finish the night before, shrug your shoulders, and swear you’ll just finish just that leftover nasty, warm, drink. You know, the hair if the dog. Now it’s in your system, and like a shark that smells blood in the water, the alcohol takes over, and you’re back where you were the day before.
I don’t think we really enjoy that. I think our addicted brains manipulate us.
I struggled so long with wanting to be normal. I finally realized that it’s not normal to ingest poison. I will say I cheated a bit and I’m on something called naltrexone. I can’t say for sure if it’s placebo or not, but I don’t crave and I have the ability to play the tape through immediately. It’s reflex now. I don’t have to force those thoughts.
It sometimes feels like we need alcohol to just simply function, but that’s addiction manipulating us again.
I promise you, it’s so much better on the other side. I go out for “drinks” with friends and for business on a regular basis. Shoot, just Tuesday I had a business lunch where everyone was getting shitty. I had my Diet Coke and honestly thought nothing about it. Well, my little boyfriend kinda faked his drinks as he’s not a big drinker, but the other two are. You know what? I love going out with them! Let them drink! They are soooo much fun, and definitely not sloppy, go figure. I can’t relate lol. It’s like smoking for me. Gross!!! However, I won’t go near cigarette smoke. Most obnoxious ex smoker on earth. Lol
Anyway, what I am getting at is that it won’t always feel like a sacrifice. I don’t even think about it anymore. I’m happier than I have ever been in my entire life. I credit sobriety, therapy and the right medication.
Have you tried AA or anything similar? I think a community is really important. Definitely keep posting here. You’re going to find a ton of support. You are not alone. Sending love and support your way. You can do this!
Thank you so much for your reply!! I had to read it three times in a row 
I completely understand what you are saying, and I know my world would be so much better without alcohol. I just have to reach that side… I have no friends or colleagues, so my drinking is me home alone. I believe that is why I started drinking heavily in my teens, to overcome my shyness in social settings. After a few drinks, I can “act” normal and talk to people. But as the years went by… There are no longer social settings and the alcohol has remained. I have googled AA many times, but I could never show up in person. My shyness keeps me in my house most of the time.
I know that was challenging to write and i bet harder to submit…
Firstly i would suggest that you go research, Alcohol use disorder it will help you break down some of the questions that are floating around in your mind
You have to decide to give up alcohol, as you might have already tried moderation and as you’ve said you are blacking out/forgetting your evening. This is a big step and when you decide that you want to be sober your journey in recovering will start but only you can take that step, i know your scared of admitting to the people close but might i suggest you find a local AA or online as having people to connect with and talk with is a big help. Its not you alone then you will have support and perhaps guidance.
I can totally understand the need to replace it with something and with some people cross addiction is a thing! You end up replacing one addiction with another.
You’ve took that step to acknowledge that your relationship with alcohol is different i wish you all the best.
Thankyou for sharing your experience,I am the same, I did all those things waking up and walking into the kitchen to look at the mess I cooked for myself and guessing what it was,I drank alone at home too,I had to give my self a chance at life,so I did online AA for a bit,it helped,I got to ten days a couple of times,tried to work out, by listening to the people sharing,what I was doing wrong to give in to pick up again and again…so I got a sponsor and started the steps with her,it’s now drummed into me from doing step one that I am powerless over alcohol and drugs IF I pick them up…and my life is unmanageable when I pick up…I just didn’t want to be in active addiction anymore,I wanted a chance at life,so I tried online meetings and I am finding another way to live without drinking. You can find another way too. You are worth more than drinking alcohol alone. And people here and in meetings ‘will love you til you can love yourself’ 
I am so happy for kind and understanding replies that I almost feel like crying. It means so much! And it seems like you understand exactly how I feel… Yes, I have finally started to realize that moderation is not a very good idea. I have to admit that I have not been able to let go of the idea just yet. Deep down I know. Moderation has not worked so far! I will google some more to see if I can find AA online support without any meetings in person. And regarding replacing the alcohol with something else. I know it is a stupid idea, and I know I should never try anything else to replace the feeling I am looking for. Maybe I have to learn how to enjoy things over again. Normal things. Like reading a book (like I used to love earlier). Thanks again for your message!
I replaced with Water,Food, Biscuits, chocolate 
, anything But alcohol, sleep…and sleeping after a good meal to help get to sleep,with an online meeting on or a meditation podcast
Yes you do, a big part of recovery is learning who you are without being dependent on alcohol. So many of us would easily had a glass as a stress reliever at the beginning and then in time it became the bottle. It does creep up on certain people.
You have to find new adaption to situations without using alcohol as the key x
These were things i learnt in rehab
When you find the answer to this let the rest of the world know 
For now I’ll settle for the fact we are very sick people who have an obsession of the mind and a physical allergy to alcohol. Your drink is not the problem its your solution to your problems. All you have to do is find a new solution. It’s not easy but it is simple.
Thank you so much It means the world to me right now! I am glad to hear that you found your way! I guess I am just so mad at myself for letting it go so far. Since my teens, it has been my favourite “thing” to do; relax, listen to music and drink. And the thought of never doing that again. I will have to create a new me. And I dont know what “she likes”. What should I do now when I want to enjoy the evening home. Well, first I have to overcome a few days without alcohol. I have to find a way to replace the drinking with something else. I just read your other message; water, chocolate, food. I love chocolate and making food 
I have tried meditation, but I give up after two minutes. Too restless… 
While u still associate alcohol with fun it is going to be hard. But the fun is only around drink 2 or 3 right? I think I read somewhere that it is rising blood alcohol that feels pleasurable. So if it plateaus or falls then we don’t feel good. And if it keeps rising we black out. There is no happy end to drinking.
I am also not so good at being sociable. But for all the times alcohol “helped” me to be more chatty, there were times I was so embarrassed in front of people because I had been drunk the last time we met. And now I am actually a bit better at talking because I remember the last conversation and can refer to it. I actually do stuff in my spare time to talk about.
In the end my drinking was mostly alone too. But even alone, listening to music, watching tv that u then can’t remember… it is just a waste.
I have never been to a f2f meeting. Try an online one! I always have my camera off, and I am crap at sharing, so rarely do it, I get so nervous and even have to make notes so I can talk! lol
I also loved drinking and listening to music. It is possible to break the link between music and drinking. If u are into music then u can appreciate it far more sober. I could never what I had listened to! Now I have more time and can listen properly to so much more.
Oh wow, well that just made me feel really special
And… Oh my goodness, twinsies! Same here. I drank at home as well and white knuckled the hell out of business social situations as my professional reputation cannot get tarnished. Not to say that there have not been some incidents, because boy have there! I’m very introverted by nature and have pretty bad social anxiety. I’m ok in small groups or a 1:1 meeting. However, put me in a large group, and it’s a big old NOPE!
I also started drinking very young, at 13. Even that very first time I drank, I could not stop. Lucky me, there is photo evidence in my Jr. High School yearbook. My first time was at a school dance, and for the first time, my shyness and insecurities went away. I got teased a lot for being ugly, so I used to steal alcohol from my parents, bring it to school, hide somewhere and drink all day until it was time to get on the bus to go home. Needless to say I was expelled for not showing up for months. I mean I was there, but 
One thing I now notice is that the alcohol didn’t really fix the anxiety. It shape shifted it. I’ve always needed to get hammered to get on an airplane. Then one day, I was too intoxicated to get on the plan, and was denied. Thank god it was on my way home from a business trip and not on the way 
So, I slept on the airport floor with one of those tinfoil blankets. I had lost my ID and terrified I wouldn’t be able to get on the plane again. Flying home sober-ish and ashamed, I noticed I wasn’t nearly as anxious as I was when flying drunk. And not that I deserved it, but someone found my wallet in the seat pouch and mailed it back to me 
Back to the anxiety… So, why was I less anxious “sober”? Because alcohol is a damn lie. It helped with our anxiety in the very beginning. So we got addicted and dependent on the perception that it was miracle juice. The truth is, we didn’t notice that it wasn’t helping anymore, and as a matter of fact, it made is worse.
I used to be very, very, very nervous going to AA. Maybe start with a small women’s group or even a speaker meeting. I like those because you basically sit and listen for the most part. Some stories are really inspirational. If you have someone willing to go with you for a few times in the beginning, you can go to an open meeting.
Each group is very different, but for the most part, you will be greeted with warmth and kindness. You’ll be taken around and introduced to others. Sometimes the women in the group will put their numbers down on a sheet of paper and give it to you to let you know you can call or text if you need support.
I’m super shy, but when I went to AA, I started to feel very comfortable within a few weeks. You’re meeting people at a different level. It’s not as superficial as other situations. I still keep in touch with some. One I have to because he’s my baby daddy So I guess he was extra nice? 
Anyway, maybe give it a try, or even try an online meeting 
I’m just babbling now, but I’m glad your here.
**** EDITED TO ADD ****
Also, try Allen Carr’s book “The Easy Way to Control Alcohol” Spoiler alert, it’s a trick, you can’t. A lot of people also read the Annie Grace book, but it’s basically a plagiarized weaker version of Allen Carr’s book.
And, for your viewing pleasure. 13 year old me on the right with white sunglasses. The whole Madonna thing was, well, a thing 
Hi, thank you for your reply! Well, I associate alcohol with fun every time I need a drink. The next morning, I am sooo angry with myself! I can not believe that I can’t go without a drink for even a few days. The day after, I feel a total mess, begging myself never to drink again. As I do every other day. Then folllows the same procediure as always. I will have “one” beer. Even though I know SO well! As you say, 2 or 3 drinks, it feels great. And afterwards is a downgoing spiral. Always. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and history. Read your second message now. Yes, I love listening to music!! But unfortunately my mind quickly turns into drinking modus. I can never listen to music on the radio when I drive on my good days, I know it will put me in the mood for a drink. Thanks again for your message!
Same here! I have tried to explain a few times through the years that I am an 1:1 person. If me and two others, I might as well go home I can talk to one person, but I have given up trying to join the conversation if there are more than two
Oh, wow, the plain accident. It could have been me!! Yes, that is probably so true what you say about anxiety! The alcohol “helped” to a certain degree in some social settings while young, even though it also caused perhaps even more anxiety afterwards. When older, starting college etc, the alcohol has always been the one and only follower to keep me manage social settings. And in entering adult life, with different issues, again, alcohol has been the answer 
Yay, thanks for the photo! Madonna has now gotten herself a style guru 
I have been shy and have social anxiety so alcohol made me feel better in social situations. But then I drank too much and often got drink. Since I quit, I’ve been able to identify my pain that the alcohol numbed. I identify feels and sorrows. It’s been good for me. 325 days today
Thank you, it means a lot to me to get feedback and to read about others in the same situation! So good to hear that you have quit drinking! And that you have identified the root of your problems. I believe there are often many underlying feelings beneath the drinking.
Congratulations on 325 days! So well done! Hopefully I will also reach that number 
Hey there. Alaska weighin in on your share.
Its huge you can admit that not just too yourself. There is always a better klife to be had without the drudge of black outs, hangovers, guilt, demoralization. We call them war stories. At war with yourself really. I too had a bottom not quite like yours that i shared on here feel free to look. But your own mind is the most dangerous place because it can twist things and your view withkut your permisson. Its when we get these things out. Not just admit but to know that we are sick and powerless over and inadimant substance. Its demoaralizing and stupid but its the firdt huge step that you took. You are right though, without the work it can easily be replaced with another thing drug kr activity. Usually no human power can take away the obbsession of the mind and sickness of the body. We, or i shall i say need supernatral interfearence. A power greater than myself weather it be jesus, a door knob, the sunset, buddah. That is all knowing and runs the things i dont and can take and hold the things that i cant handle which would be my entire life. Im an a class fucker upper of things. I dont have to exhult and bow down to this power but just accept that it is there and is bigger and more than i ever could be. For me its the universe. Comibg to believe then coming to rely on amd coming to having a relationship with my higher power on a spiritual foundation of living is the only thing that has works for me. Ive tried almost everything. Till this came to work for me. Now i know what i am and how i am unwell. But also in this learning i found alchohol was a symptom of the underlying issues of people places and things i couldnt execpt with me being on top of thst list. I have faith that you can do this. If you are willing to try anything to fix what you believe is going on for you there is hope and always will be. You are worth it and the number one person you owe that too is you myfriend. Again thankyou for sharing, it reminds me of my first 2 weeks sober what hell i thought that was
Hope you are enjoying today sober, you can do this. 
. I listen to different music… Can’t really deal with the club music 
I used to listen to… sometimes I can when I’m feeling good and strong and don’t associate it with drinking thoughts… Chill out music is nice ,like a softer version and more meditative version of club music…I’ll have to search some albums I was listening to…like very cool coffee shop style tunes.
It’s a tough road but worth every painful, emotionally charged, anxiety filled moment! What you may find helpful is that everything you’re experiencing in the early days are normal and something your body needs to fight through. I had to seek help with my medical provider and take medication for a couple of weeks just to function as a somewhat normal person. My anxiety was off the charts and tightness in my chest brought me close to walking into the ER a couple of times. It wasn’t until I finally spoke with an addiction specialist that I got on the right track. Eventually I found peace when I started learning about what alcohol had done to my brain and how, especially in the early days, we are almost powerless to fight off the urges. We’ve programed our brains to think it needs alcohol to survive! Just that knowledge alone eased my anxiety so much. Slowly but surely I got better and you will too!
Tip: If you’re a bit shy for AA (I didn’t like the AA vibe, personally) I highly recommend Lifering.org. They have online meetings every day at almost every hour and you don’t even need to turn on your camera if you don’t want to. You can even type your name as “just listening” and be left alone if you’d like. Talking helps so much though I’d encourage you to give a try. Everyone is so helpful. It’s free and really helps.
Good luck! If you want to be sober, you absolutely can get there! 