I just hit 30 days today clean from every substance that made my life unmanageable: alcohol, cannabis and cocaine. I quit drinking about 2.5 years ago, but cannabis and especially cocaine were harder for me to let go of.
I knew for years I had substance abuse problems, at first I only was able to admit to myself I was an alcoholic, but deep down I knew cocaine was my true nemesis.
Growing up in California cannabis was normalized at such an early age and became so ingrained in my daily routine that I never considered it as bad as the other two substances. I was under the impression that it wasn’t addictive and that it wasn’t negatively impacting my life.
About a year ago, my wife (together for 8 years, married for almost 3), began to tell me how upset she was with my using and behavior getting worse over the years. She suggested we go to couples therapy and also that I get clean, from everything. She knew I wasn’t drinking anymore but was sick of me always being stoned. She at that point thought the cocaine use was something way in the past. We did a few sessions of therapy together and finally, after being ravaged with guilt, I confessed. It devastated her.
She nearly kicked me out of the house, but after begging her for one more chance, she gave me an ultimatum with a list of things I had to do. Sobriety, 12 step meetings, mental health support, fix financial issues, you name it…it was on that list.
For a while, things were headed in the right direction, I gave up the cannabis and cocaine, got a sponsor and was in service to my NA Fellowship. It seemed like our relationship was getting stronger than ever.
Then one day, as a result of a stressful work day and an argument with my sponsor, I gave myself the excuse to use again. I picked up some cocaine and told myself it was just for that night, just a quick break, and never again. That was in January.
Fast forward to early March and I had been using it everyday almost since that fateful night, so when she finally asked for the divorce, it didn’t really come as a shock. I was numb from weeks of heavy using and incredibly depressed.
As we talked about our relationship and the next steps of me moving out, she brought up that there was no chance in getting back together because she was so broken from our codependent relationship. At that moment I realized that the couples therapist had used that term several times with us, and that I had let it pass over me.
It didn’t start hitting me until this new stretch of clean time just what that means for me. I was enabled by her being the caretaker, and I was addicted to the drama I caused. I used with what I thought was impunity because I was convinced she would never leave me. Now that she’s not in my life and we’re separated, I realize just how big of a dopamine hit I would get from her coddling and reassuring me. We’re basically in a no-contact stage other than stuff about our son, and I respect that desire of hers as well as the need for me, but it’s so hard not having that easy fix for my hard emotions. As hard as it is, I am lucky to have realized it and truly don’t want to be this codependent person I’ve been.
I hope someone out there can maybe offer some advice who also was in early recovery while getting out of a codependent relationship. Definitely could use some support.
Like my favorite Otis Redding song says- “You don’t miss your water, til your well runs dry.”
Thanks for reading.
