It seems to me you are struggling with two opposite feelings: 1. I am not a normal drinker. and 2. I am not an alcoholic.
As a fellow “not normal”, I’ll tell ya - one of the two has to win. You either succumb to the drink, or you take the path of abstinence. The sooner you give up, the better. I remember I was reluctant to admit I was an alcoholic (not a daily drinker by far, but when I drank I’d dry the bar out), but I also thought I kinda was one. I was fine, but not fine. I was in control, but not quite. My life was a string of paradoxes at that point. That kind of struggle brought me to the brink of suicide. Guess what got me out of it - I admitted I was an alcoholic. Suddenly, I wasn’t in control, but that was great, because then I could finally ask for help. And when help came, it was divine.
Surrender, my friend, pays out in the long run; drink only pays out in the moment.