OK, I have a lot to vent about, and considering I have been totally isolating its time I open up here.
I’ve been a member of this forum since pretty much it started. I’ve shared my story, I’ve always loved
reading here, and sometimes I’m actually on this
forum more then Facebook so @Robin you’ve
created something amazing here
When I first downloaded Sober Time, there was no forum. I was purely seeking a sobriety counter. But this forum changed everything.
I started truly trying to fight for my life on
September 1st 2015. I, on my own will, homeless,
jobless, friendless, and family less…a liar, thief,
addict, manipulator, and selfish checked myself
into rehab. I called crying every day telling them I
was gonna die and nobody cared… I begged for a bed. And sept 1st a guy I paid for a couch and sex and pot, dropped me and my 3 suitcases of belongings outside a rehab in my hometown.
I spent 28 days at Valley Vista and learned more then I’d ever before. I truly embraced sobriety and even moved into a sober house. I got the king bedroom, my own jacuzzi, and I was on top of the world.
In November I relapsed real briefly on a vodka and Mt Dew and I marched myself right back to rehab for 14 days. I continued to excellent and learn in rehab like an A+ sobriety student. My second stay, I tried naltrexone and ntabuse, but I ended up deciding I did not need them. Nobody loved sobriety like me.
On day 100 I was the “Golden child” at my sober house. Most of my roomies relapsed and secretly I tried to also but somehow I held strong. I was the leader in my glorious master room with almost 4 months clean…a record for this house. Until my dentist took my wisdom teeth out. He disregarded the section in which I stated I had an opiate problem, and in March 2016 my lovely position as the soberleader and my beautiful home was ripped from me.
I moved into a camper with my boyfriend. Don’t know how long it took but I started smoking pot and shooting morphine. Things were bleak. We fought a lot. I was missing so much time at my measely grocery store job and winter in VT is cold in a camper.
Once the fights got so bad I was suicidal I left. I still wanted sobriety. I wanted that happiness back.
I moved in with very old family friends an hour away and stopped seeing Tom. Within a week I tool a management position in a restaurant making a lot of money. I did well for about a month but once the money started flowing I went on a 2 wk morphine binge. The withdrawals were the worst when I finally stopped to save my job. The drug use decreased from there but the alcoholism increased.
Somehow I have kept my management job.
Meetings became less frequent. I list touch with my sober friends. I was semi functional, at least not homeless begging for a bed.
September 2nd 2016 I moved into a gorgeous apartment, again an hour away from my old (family envirnment) with tom my bf.
I cheated on him the 3rd. And he left. He as so verbally abusive I’d had it.
I stayed clean and sober a week in my new place until me and tom got back together.
He came back and I began smoking pot a lot. Things got better with us but not with me. The morphibe connect was gone, and even tho we got coke sometimes I’ve always been a down kinda girl. So I drank and smoked. We’ve been loyal.
We’ve paid all our bills on time.
Really the only negative is I began getting sick drinking too much and missing work.
So since sept (now end of November) I’ve smoked pot daily. Save for a few consecutive days in a row randomly I’ve also drank every day. I’ve probably done pain killers or cocaine about one weekend a month since september.
So last week I broke. I had my final emotional breakdown at work after drinking a 6 pack before I got there at 1130
My boss is Chinese and basically just knows some things wrong but not what. I told him I needed 10 days off for mental health concerns. I went to the Dr and got more anxiety meds (currently on buspar and celexa) and also decided I was serious about doing anything to stop drinking
So I started antabuse.
I began my new meds Saturday including abtabuse.
I return to work the Friday after thanksgiving.
I’m 10.5 days off drugs and today would a been 3 days sober but I had to test my abtabuse.
The kind of person I am I challenge every thing so when my doc said it’ll make u sick if u drink I instantly said "How sick?"
Wtf is wrong with me? So between 8-9am today I drank 2 tall rum and cokes.
And as of this post I’m still not feeling sick.
I posted this because I’ll report back to see if anything has changed.
Either way I’m irritated, tired, and don’t know wtf is wrong with me.
How many MG are you on?
10:30…I’m home…eating…reset my counter but still feel nothing. I have been on 500 mg every day but only for 3 days now. I feel pretty stupid. My bf is like wtf your stupid. I’m supposed to be using this time off to get better. Ugh sometimes I can’t stand the things I do
Your not stupid ~ YOU have kept trying, so obviously this is something you want. I think in some way or form everyone here is going to be using everyday we have left to live (getting better & giving better, in some way).
@Ash i do understand you are in a struggle , fight within yourself . You have been to rehab.try to find the strength of what you learned there. Do not loose hope , have faith .you are not stupid . I really hope antabuse really works . You been sober and clean before u can make it again. Find your inner will, find the power . Do whats needed to be done but thats up to you . I do hope you will go for a sober life. Meetings in Aa? Sponsor ? Please fight .You got the answer to that .fingers crossed for you
Thank you for sharing your story. I love reading other peoples stories, it gives us insight on your life and lets us know we really arent alone at all. Each person is going through something on their own but as addicts we all think the same way. I can honestly say I’ve asked the same questions about medication, I even have looked it up to see if its really that bad with alcohol. If it wasnt then I drank anyways. I honestly think it was out of curiosity and wanting to feel rebellious lol which to someone whose not an addict sounds crazy…but you dont sound crazy to us girl.
You sound familiar.
I hope you continue to come on here and find a way to pull yourself up and out of your relapse. Sleep and water does wonders 
@Ash you’ve wanted this for the longest time. If antabuse doesn’t help, I know you’ve got it in you to stay sober without it.
@ash thanks for sharing , I started back on the antabuse Monday. I drank about ten days after stopping last time and I was red as a lobster. Hope you get what you want soon, don’t stop reaching for it, ever!
Ok so I was told itd make me sick like puke sick…but i drank this morning and all i noticed is i instantly began having trouble breathing and turned red. Then I bought a beer tonight convincing myself I’ll just “start over tomorrow” and take my anatabuse in the morning…and i again had to get my inhaler i couldnt breathe at all and broke out in hives all over my face. im slightly nausous too…So i think today convinced me…take my anatabuse…dont drink. it feels like a serious reaction to something.
Yes, that’s the antabuse, you should wait 12 hours after your last drink to start taking it again though. Hope you feel better soon.
Stay out of alcohol my advice .