I don't know what im doing

So im pretty lost right now. So I went to my very first 30 day rehab place back in September waiting. I completed it. The day I got out I went to an interview and got a okay job. I was there for almost 2 months. The 2nd week there I failed a drug test for pot. Nothing was said to me though but I knew I failed for pot. About 4 weeks later, I had my 1st slip up since Ive been out. I done about 25 30 bucks worth of heroin in a span of 2 days. This was on a Friday and Saturday. When I got to work that Monday, the 3 bosses where waiting on me with a piss cup. I failed for H and pot. They told me, either go back to treatment, they swore my job would still be there as long as I completed the program. Well I stayed a week before leaving. It was hard af being away from my family around Christmas. It was driving me crazy. But as soon as I left, it hit me. What I had just done was a fucking horrible desicion. I mean horrible. I cant believe i done that shit. Made me sick to my stomach to be completely honest with you… Idk what ima do. I mean I know what needs to be done DONT get me wrong, im just lost…


Your sobriety has to be a priority or you’re going to lose everything. If you wanna turn your life around, I suggest you go back to rehab immediately. Don’t give up!! You’re worthy of a happy sober life.


Well out of 3 months of being out, I have only had 1 slip up. I know relapse is “some what” part of someones early recovery. Even since I left last week, I haven’t used. I didn’t leave to get high. I just couldnt stand being away from the family ya know. Me personally, I think im doing good for only having 1 relapse since the middle of September…

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Relapse doesnt have to be part of your recovery. Saying it has to be is already setting you up for failure.

None of us know WTF we are doing until it happens, my first day at detox I looked like hell. No way I had a clue what was gonna happen, from detox I ended up in the ICU nearly dead, to a full recovery and out to a 30 day treatment program, while still trying to work on everything from family to my relationship with my significant other, to my career. Sobriety was only swirled in there well needless to say after multiple fights with my significant other she cut me off, after the behaviors she showed toward my therapist the only way I was gonna get into a sober living arrangement was to agree to isolate from my family who was being toxic reluctantly I agreed.

At first I refused to accept the reality of being where I was this was only to check a box, and as time went on I accepted it. Grew into the role I’m in at the moment is my career where I want it to be no, is my relationship with my family where I want it to be, hell no I haven’t even began to repair the damage,

But right now I’m sober, lack cravings and taking steps on the other things a little at a time,

Focus on getting sober first. Once that starts to get into check. The other things can come into place, is it hard, yeah. Is it worth it, F**K Yeah!


Ive gone to a few meetings. Just don’t really like meetings. But I did buy a NA book and read out of it daily.

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The hole is there in all of us. It either already was there before we started using or it was created by us using and left there after we quit. Now we don’t longer use we have to fill that void with other, healthier stuff. it’s of the utmost importance that we do that because our DOC will wait like a predator to do it for us if we don’t. NA could be useful just for that. To have something to do. The fact that you don’t like the meeting much really is of no importance in this respect. You need to work this sober and clean thing or you will fail. I quit going after a couple of months but am for ever grateful to NA for giving me a place to go early in recovery. Being here and being active here helped me lots as well BTW.
And on relapsing: I think you have to change your thinking. With addiction it’s all or nothing. Black or white. There is no grey. We either use or we don’t. We’re among ourselves here, among addicts. Once we’re addicts the only way to live is without using. For us is controlled using doesn’t exist. We’re addicts because we lost control and the only control we can exhort over our DOC (and substitutes) is total abstention. Total. Not one puff, sip, snort, swallow or needlepoint ever. It does get better and it does get easier. Just as long as we don’t use. Sober and clean. You can do it too Calum. I’m happy you’re here. Together we can do this. Alone it is too much.


Thank you, really, thank you so much for that. ya know I used to get on Reddit a lot at first. It helped me out a lot at first. People where so welcoming and helpful. But alot of people like to post a bunch of pics using and shit on there and i couldnt take seeing all of that. There is a difference in reading about it and actually seeing it. And seeing it is a “HUGE TRIGGER” for me. A very big trigger!!! And yeah that is most of our problems is our thinking. Our minds ans thinking is “warped” is how drug counselor put it in rehab. Or our “stinkin thinkin” lol. But yeah i see already that this place just might do me a lot of good. I really do appreciate the wisdom you dropped on me though. Thanks again


Hi Calum,
A lot of people on this forum know that emptiness. In the words of the song “Shallow” from A Star Is Born:
I’m falling
In all the good times I find myself
Longin’ for change
And in the bad times I fear myself

Tell me something, boy
Aren’t you tired tryin’ to fill that void?
Or do you need more?
Ain’t it hard keeping it so hardcore?

The void is such a common reason for using and the hole needs to be filled with something healthy which is fulfilling and purposeful (and not a substitute cross-addiction). That is different for everyone, so look around the various threads to see what people do. For me at the moment I am changing career (I’m 55) to live my life and not someone else’s, and I am writing books while I train as a counsellor.
It is also important to connect with people. NA might not be for you. There are other groups and meetings and this site is great. Don’t mix with enablers or detractors but value the friends and connections and family that you have. :pray:

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I love this, I used to be one to praise myself for only drinking a couple of times a week or month but now I would be disgusted to drink or drug against my will, actually it would totally be my will but that’s for another story, Now I class a relapse as a complete fail and I obviously learnt nothing and practiced my daily sobriety even less.


This can be dangerous place to be. I was told when I said this same statement that I was still being selfish and using my family again. That this statement is making my family accountable for my happiness and that without them I can’t achieve it.

One thing I know about addiction is that it is cunning.
That you can not rely on your own will. I stayed in rehab for 1yr and gave 100% and still used. I thought my efforts and intentions were genuine and secure… they were but I’m not immune to this disease. To be honest… you will continue to use if you are doing this your way, and you will continue to feel these feelings if you don’t make big sacrifices… having someone challenging your every thought, feeling and decision is a key factor to moving forward. I know this might be a bit forward but it is the truth and I didn’t like hearing this either, but it helped me move.